(I‘m not a native English speaker) I am 20f and I still live at home.
My father died 18 years ago and every year there are two services in church where they mention his name and pray. Once at his birthday and once at his death day.
I usually went every year since I was old enough to both services, but today I really didn’t feel well. I am a very emotional person and I cry every time they mention his name.
Later in the evening I need to leave for vocational school and until then I have a lot to do, so I decided not to go to church.
My mother really wanted me to go and I feel horrible, but when I’m stressed I can’t enjoy my time anyways.
I feel like I disappoint everyone and that I’m selfish for doing this. 🙁
AITA?
NTA, this may be too soon, but he’s dead. He doesn’t know what you’re doing. Even if you believe in an afterlife, he isn’t \*HERE\* watching you not go to church.
It’s been 18 years. You’ve done enough for your mother too. Live your life.
NTA you don’t need to go to church to remember him
NTA
You aren’t obligated to go. Both services are honouring his life and there are more ways to do that than going to church. No two people grieve the same, so don’t worry about what anyone else thinks. I am sure everyone will be understanding if you tell them you aren’t feeling able to go.
Fvck church and their guilt-driven cult mentality, so what you want, nta
NTA. You can remember him through photos, remembering stories, talking about him, there’s no need to go to church and hear his name read out.
NTA. Do you often feel guilt because you don’t do things your mother wants? Are you made to go to church all the time and people make you feel guilty if you don’t go? Have you not been able to make peace with your father’s death, even though you were 2 years old when he died?
Your post makes you sound like you have depression. Have you considered getting counseling? It might make you feel better. Not church based counseling either. Professional counseling. I hope you’ll consider it.
I‘m not religious at all, I don’t believe in god and I also only go to church if it’s a service for my father. My mother is disappointed because it’s for my father, but she doesn’t force me. She just lets me know that she’s disappointed.
Mothers have a way of making us feel guilty when we are not confident in our ourselves.
I hope you will take my advice. You deserve to feel better.
NTA. It’s been 18 years, and you were not old enough to remember him personally when he died.
Each person is allowed to remember the dead in their own way. I highly doubt that your dad is looking down on you in anger because you *stayed home when you weren’t feeling well.*
You didn’t even know him. You were 2 when he died. Ouch
INFO: Is there actually an issue here? Is your mother angry that you didn’t attend the service? Did she say something to you?
Doesn’t impact verdict but this seems strange 18 years after the death. Does your church do this for every dead parishioner or did your father have some special relationship with the church (e.g. was a founding member or something along those lines)?
You can pay the church for mentioning their names. But there’s multiple other names that get called out. Like: „We remember (name) and (name) from (family name) and we remember (other name) from (other family name).
Basically they paid for the priest to pray over his name and my mother was just disappointed that I didn’t go. That service is twice a year and I usually go to both in honor to my dad.