I (f,27) have a far distance relationship and far distance best freindship. My gf (f,27), let’s call her A, lives on the other side of my country and I drive three or four (due to traffic it can go up to six hours) to visit her. My best friend, B(f,31), lives an hour away from A. A and I have worked out a system to visit each other: I will visit A on the first weekend of a month, then we’ll both stay home, then A visits me and then we’ll both stay home. So we see each other about twice a month.
B and I on the other hand don’t have a system like that. Ate least not one as deliberate as the one with A. However there is one day, where I come to visit B. We always meet up for the Hamburger pride parade. (Yes we all live in germany) That’s where we meet in 2019 and have been going together with and without other friends.
Lately I’ve been feeling a change in the friendship I have with B. Our interests don’t align that well anymore. For example: I’ve been obsessed with Riordanverse lately which is not something B has had any interest in ever. We seldomly text or call, mostly because I am on my finals for my training school while B has to work. All this to say: the relationship hast shifted.
Now, A, my gf, lives an hour away from Hamburg and I visit her regularly on the weekends. However, and this is the part I might be the ahole: I have not visited B during those stays if it wasn’t planed. And that has bitten me in my butt today.
She texted me today that she thinks about ending the friendship to me. She called me illoyal bcs I drive 3 up to 5 hours for A, but have never come by for an hour to say hi to her even though I bypass Hamburg on my way to A. And yes, I did that.
A lot of things happened lately that had a toll on our friendship and that were moslty my fault. I am aware I haven’t been a good best friend to B.
However, B knows that I’m planning on moving to Hamburg or near there after I finished my training. This was already clear even before I met or got toegether with A. What hurt me the most was B calling illoyal today because I didn’t stop by for an hour to say hi while on my way to A. I usually pride myself on being loyal. I’m the type of friend you could have the worst fallout with, but if you call me at midnight bcs you were broken up with, I’d still be there for you. B said it developed over time lately. And I did feel changes in our relationship to. But B calling me illoyal did something with me.
I don’t know if I will rewrite this later bcs this just happened abd I am still very emotional and hardly have half the brain to type this.
So… AITA for not stopping by my best friend while I visit my gf?
NTA
Friendships naturally take hits and dips like this and if she wants to end the friendship, you should let her. It sucks but a friendship that can’t survive being in contact all the time will never last years anyway. It will just end at a later date when you can’t give it 100%.
I have friendships that have last 20 years and not seen them face to face for 5 yrs at one point. You don’t just end friendships over that, life happens, you check in, you let them know you care and you go about your life. Friendships should not be co-dependent.
Thank you, I needed to hear this I think. It just hurts to lose a friend that way.
It does, and I am sorry she can’t see the value of your friendship. Though, there’s always the chance she thinks of you more than a friend and that’s why she’s acting up. As you have a gf, its maybe a blessing in disguise.
Funny you should mention that. We did try dating years ago but both agreed that we fit better as besties. And she has a boyfriend who lives with her so we’re both in pretty good relationships right now.
Paragraph breaks are your friend
INFO: How long (in months) have you been not visiting and why she never visits you?
I have not been visiting since February of 2025. That was her birthday. She has visited me last on Dec 2024 for my birthday.
She has a dog and boyfriend and I live alone with no pets so it’s easier if I come visit.
Ah, if she was missing you, she could have taken an initiative to visit herself. Strange to put all blame on you. Friendship is a two-way street. Perhaps you both decided, independently, you do not see each other as friends anymore. But neither of you wanted to “officially” end it.
NTA. A is your gf, B is just a friend. Ofc the treatment won’t be the same. Seems to me B is too expectant.
Thank you.
I do see where B is coming from tho. It would sting me too a little, but I wouldn’t end a friendship bcs of it.
NAH. Friendships change over time. It’s a sad fact of life but there it is.
B needs to accept that you won’t be able to see her as often as she would like. You can only try to maintain the friendship via phone calls/FaceTime and texting in addition to the visits.
Life changes as our situations evolve. Romantic partnerships, career paths, living situations, all change how often we are available to our friends. And in life you’ll develop new friendships and interests – but it doesn’t mean you stop treasuring the older friendships and interests.
Just be honest with B that you value her and always will, but realize that sometimes shifts happen in friendships and it takes a lot of hard work and understanding to not lose the friendship entirely.
Advice: I don’t see why you can’t text, even during your busy study period. It takes 30 seconds to say hello or something. Aren’t you both able to text each other without the expectation of instant replies??
Also, just because you gain a new interest doesn’t mean she needs to have the same new interests. Be excited for your new hobby, but if she’s not interested in it, don’t be overbearing by talking only about it and trying to get her into it.
I don’t see anything in your post about B making the drive to visit you. Does that ever happen? I don’t think it’s fair if she’s placing the burden of travel solely on you each time. I’m curious to know if she ever takes the time to drive to you.
Last thing, do A and B know each other? Do they get along? Does B have a partner? Maybe, with B living only an hour away from A, once in a while you can all meet together for an outing. Or double date if B has a partner.
Diving one hour to me is nothing, so maybe B can meet up with you and A when you’re in town and get brunch or dinner together. It doesn’t have to be an all day thing because you are still allowed to want time with A only.
Just organise to meet her one morning for brunch when you’re driving through.
Fixed
NTA, but I’ll say the same thing I usually say in these “why didn’t you swing by?” posts: the person you’re not visiting doesn’t need to *know* every time you were in the area but didn’t visit. If you’ve been talking a lot to B about, or posting on social media a lot about, the visits to A, it can kind of feel like rubbing it in her face.