I(15M) am in near-constant argument with my mom(>50 idk, divorced parent with half custody) because I apparently speak in a monotone voice. Whenever she talks about our upcoming trips, I don’t show enthusiasm in my voice. She tells me that she wants to have conversations “like my friends have with their parents”. She has recently been mocking my monotone voice(as a way to “get me to change”, I guess). I have conceded that I should be more animated, and I am trying to slowly improve my mannerisms, but nothing has changed.
Whenever we argue, she usually yells/raises her voice while I am not, and I usually spend most of our arguments trying to get her to talk normally. Whenever I want to actually have a back-and-forth conversation about our issues, she gets tired after the first three minutes and gives me the “silent treatment”. She always complains about how I am monotone, but her only way of actually “attempting” to come to a solution is through argument, lectures, and mocking me.
Earlier today, she came up to my room to have a conversation with me about it, and I told her to hold that thought for a moment, and then voiced my concern. He told me that I was “deflecting”, and that from now on we will not have any meaningful conversations, and will simply exist in the same space. She then left the room.
I understand that our conversations should be better, but I’m honestly at a loss for where to even begin. I don’t want to argue with her, as that is not the right way to solve this problem, but whenever I attempt to have a constructive conversation with her, it devolves into argument.
AITA in this situation?
EDIT: I forgot to mention this, but we will be going to therapy together in the future.
NTA. Seems as though Mom is having her own set of communication issues. It doesn’t seem as though she is being the adult in the room but sometimes they aren’t. My mom and I butted heads horribly. She asked questions she didn’t really want answers for. It was her way or the highway so discussions were limited by that to start. Do your best and know that you can’t really win in a situation like that. Be you. Trying to speak and be different than what is natural is somewhat unfair. It’s hard for them to see us as becoming a young adult but it will get better eventually. ✌🏼
Your mother is a child. I’m her age and this sounds stupid. She shouldn’t be mocking you or trying to dictate your self expression. Whether she realizes it or not, she’s driving you away. How’s your dad? Reasonable? If possible, stay with him more
Oh honey. NTA. Your mom sounds exhausting. Don’t let her get you down; this isn’t about how you are or aren’t behaving, you are just being your natural self. This sounds like it’s about her wanting to control you in weird ways. If she really wants to have good conversations with you, she needs to understand where you’re coming from and not try to fit you into the mold she wants you in.
I also thought it was a control thing! I popped off in my comment because parents reacting emotionally to their own insecurity is damaging and it ruined my own teenaged years.
You need to write her a letter. She’s obviously too immature to handle her emotions during a conversation so a letter will get through to her better, try not to be combative and ask her to write back.
Thanks for the idea!
This is both my parents. I just don’t like to raise my voice and choose my words carefully. I won’t change that and neither should you. This carried into my adult years where I never raised my voice to my child, especially when she’s emotional and we have a great relationship. Even now as she is an adult. Be you, always be in full control of that. NTA.
NTA. If she had a boss or coworker who talked to her like this, would she mock them or bully them about their intonation and modulation? Or is it just because your her younger son and she doesn’t respect you?
You shouldn’t have to change your mannerisms to cater to her emotional instability and anxiety.
It’s a control thing. You being yourself is making her flip the fuck out and her internal dialogue is running rampant with some bullshit about how vocal tone = emotion. So she is starting fights, expecting you to reply like, “no, mom, I love you, I’ll do anything for you to help you feel better about me!”
F that. Dude, idk what it is about parenting, bc I’m not a parent myself, but both of my parents did this shit to me too. I refused to yell and raise my voice to match their dramatics and it drove them bonkers. I’m thinking their thought process is like, fighting and drama = love language. I made it a point to maintain a calm demeanor while they were spitting in my face and turning red, just because I was hoping one day there would be like a lightbulb that went off for them, and they’d chill the fuck out. That never happened. I am not on speaking terms with my father because he cannot stop yelling and catostrophizing everything. I hope I didn’t project myself too much onto your situation. If you need further advice about something, just let me know in a reply. I am twice your age and have been independant.
Genuinely curious, do you talk differently to other people?
Tell her this: “I’d like to do some family counselling to improve our relationship and communication.”
You’re old enough to ask for some family counselling. And if this fails, you’re old enough to choose who you want to live with.
We are going to start therapy, and I really hope it works.
NTA Tell her she raised you like this.
NTA
Let’s just say that I don’t need to know anything about your father to see why your parents divorced
NTA. This is not a “you” problem. This is a “her” problem. You wrote, “argument, lectures, and mocking me.” That’s the signs of a toxic relationship. You also added, that she accuses you of deflecting and gives you the silent treatment. Yeah, that’s a toxic relationship. This is not your fault. This is your mother simply being emotionally immature.
When you start therapy, do not let the sessions focus on you, mom will try to do that. Instead, start addressing how she treats you. Lean in on the argumentative nature, the mocking, and the silent treatment with the therapist. The therapist will need to understand the entire relationship dynamic and you will need to advocate for yourself.