So I (19F) have two brothers “Jack” (13M) and “Peter” (11M). Both boys have ADHD and anxiety, but Jack is much better behaved than Peter is. Peter still acts like a small child in a lot of ways, he’ll have screaming fits for hours if things don’t go his way, or plans get changed. He’ll fight with Jack over EVERYTHING. Especially who gets more attention. Especially my attention.
It’s exhausting. A lot of the time our parents cave to Peter because he will genuinely scream and scream and scream until it’s unbearable. Now that I’m at college it’s gotten worse for Jack. Whatever chore Peter refuses to do becomes his responsibility, and he’s now the one who has to listen to him scream for hours pretty much everyday. The whining is also unbearable. Every time I take the boys out Peter wants something. Many things. Literally any store we go in, he whines and then cries if I don’t let him get something.
So. The new avatar movie came out. Jack tolerates avatar, I love it, Peter gets really scared. I tried to watch the first movie with both of them and Peter had to turn it off 15 minutes in. Last month I took Jack to see the movie. Jack doesn’t get to go anywhere with Peter, especially with me alone. We left while Peter was at a friends house and came home after dinner. It apparently did not go well. Screaming, crying, throwing things just getting really upset that Jack got to go to the movies with me (btw I take Peter to do things too).
Later that night Peter asked me why I didn’t take him. I told him that it was a teenager movie and he didn’t even like avatar. He asked why couldn’t we just see a different movie. I told him Jack and I wanted to see avatar. He asked if avatar was more important than making sure he felt loved. I said no, and reminded him that we had gone to the playground literally that morning. He didn’t say anything about it for the rest of the night.
But. Here we are, a month later and I’m still getting flack about the movie. He brings it up CONSTANTLY. “Remember when you took Jack to see the movie without me?” Or “I’m still sad about the movie.” Especially when he wants something. I’m at college right now, so he usually wants to play online games with me while I’m doing homework. Our parents are neutral. They don’t stop the comments, but they also didn’t scold me. Idk. AITA?
“I’m sad you keep brining up that you’re sad.” Would be my response at this point.
Or say the same thing back.
Or say you will not engage in a conversation about it again and if he brings it up ignore it walk away without saying anything.
Keep hanging out with the nicer bro 😎
NTA Actions have consequences and you are allowed to do things to protect your peace
Nah, NTA because baby bro acts worse than my 4 year old autistic sister. And that says a lot because she’s pretty bad at times.
If it were me, I’d tell him either appreciate the time he does get exclusive or don’t get any at all exclusive.
Also, next time you go to see a scary movie, I would say by all means to him, give a courtesy warning and just let him be scared.
If he asks why not switch to a different movie, ask if he’s going to buy.
It’s petty, but it’ll get the point across eventually.
NTA the problem is that your parents aren’t parenting. That behavior can’t be blamed on ADHD, it is because your parents have taught him that screaming will result in him getting his way. As a parent of two kids with a brother in law who has ADHD (who I’ve known since he was your brother’s age), you have to communicate with Peter that you can’t take him because of the behaviors you’ve listed. If he wants to go along with you, he can’t complain or throw a fit when things aren’t going his way. And if he does inevitably have a behavior, you can use that as the specific example as to why you did not allow him to participate. Your brother is mature enough to manipulate you, he is mature enough to understand consequences.
NTA – 11 is too old to be acting like that. You need to sit him down and explain how his behavior has consequences. Your parent are failing him, he needs to learn better ways to regulate and understand that he is being manipulative and that it won’t work on you. Give him consequences, if he brings it up again you will walk away from the conversation. Do it every time. Shut down the whining but telling him youve already discussed why you went to the film and will not be rehashing it.
Peter CLEARLY has honed his manipulation skills to a very fine edge. DON’T give in to his manipulation, it only reinforces the bad behavior when he sees how successful it is. Next time he whines about it, tell him, very clearly but in a normal tone of voice, “I take each of you on special outings. When a person is grateful for their time and shows generosity in allowing their sibling to ALSO have special time with me, it makes me want to do even more with that person. When they are whiny, demanding, and selfish I want to do LESS with him.” Then stand firm when he pitches a fit.
I wouldn’t even be that descriptive. Just say, “Peter, if you don’t stop whining about something that happened MONTHS ago I won’t take you on any one-on-one outings. Knock it off!”. This boy has apparently never had a consequence for his shitty behavior. It can start with you. Don’t reward crappy behavior. And ABSOLUTELY tell him no video games while you’re at school. You’re at school to learn, not to entertain a petulant child. Tell your parents that they can get on boards with instilling some boundaries or you’ll just find somewhere else to go on the weekends. I would no put up with his crap.
>He asked if avatar was more important than making sure he felt loved
Where has he learned this nasty, manipulative tactic? Eleven-year-olds don’t talk like this.
NTA. Peter sounds like a spoiled brat to the extreme. Poor Jack. I honestly wouldn’t engage with Peter at all anymore when he brings up the movie – just say “That’s a shame” when he whines about still being “sad” or ignore him when he asks “remember the movie?” He’s not expressing actual emotion, just being precociously manipulative.
Agreed. This is 100% the parents faults for giving in to his tantrums because they don’t want to deal with it.
When he cries, screams and throws a tantrum pull out your phone and start recording him. Tell him you are gonna show his friends how he acts when he doesn’t get his way. Most 11 year olds do not want their friends to know that they still act like a baby with their family.
NTA at all. Your parents are failing their middle child by letting him suffer. Your parents are failing their youngest child by letting him get whatever he wants.
Peter is going to be a scary adult
Your parents are going to ruin him if they don’t stop giving in to his crap. I have autism, my husband has ADHD, we have multiple children with combinations of the two, and anxiety and sensory processing disorder sprinkled in, so I have beeen through similar situations with some of my kids.
Your brothers both need therapy (apart) and probably medication. If Peter is on medication, it needs to be adjusted. He needs coping skills for disappointment. He needs to stop being allowed to be emotionally manipulative.
You shouldn’t take him for any special sibling time until he apologizes for harassing you and for screaming and throwing things. He’s eleven, not two. He knows what he’s doing, even if he has poor emotional regulation skills.
NTA.
Pete is a manipulative little turd