(Please forgive possible mistakes, english is not my first language)
For this post I have to explain a few things beforehand. I finished university half a year ago and moved back in with my parents for the transitional time. I have a job lined up abroad (a different continent), and i am currently waiting for my visa to be finished processing. Unfortunately the embassy made a mistake and prolonged the processing, otherwise I would have moved abroad over a week ago already. As you can imagine I am internally quite stressed about the delayed big move, the lost money over my missed flight and the uncertainty.
My mom has this thing that whenever people come over she gets uneasy and lashes out on me and my dad to clean. Today she burst in my room demanding I get rid of my suitcases in the living room because a friend is coming over. I told her i would love to keep my suitcases downstairs in case my flight leaves in the next few days, as i don’t have the space in my room upstairs. I have to admit i got a bit sarcastic with her. We ended up fighting and both sides got heated. I have to admit I called her ridiculous and childish because of her fussing over suitcases.
That’s when she started to insult me. She said: "now i understand why you are alone, don’t have friends and will never find a partner."
(Preface) I used to have a relative big friend group during my uni days. I struggled my whole life with fake and transactional friendships and thought this group would be different. In my last semester my roommate’s and good friend’s boyfriend SAed me. She decided it was easier for the friend group and her to forgive him for "cheating" instead of believing me. Now that uni is over i only have 3 friends left. My best friend recently moved to south america and my other two friends live 3 hours+ away. also i have never been in a real relationship because for the past 3 years I have been moving abroad for long periods each year. (my uni forced us to have month long international experiences each semester)
Needles to say what she said cut really deep and is a big insecurity. And my mom knows all of the above. She still decided to once again insult me like this (she has told me this multiple times already). After that i haven’t really talked to her.
Hours later she comes in my room to "apologise". However she immediately dismisses what she said and told me my behaviour is unacceptable. I had to tell her that her words cut deep. Instead of apologising she spends 30 minutes explaining why she said what she said. No apology. She then tells me i must have misinterpreted what she said. And we had to discuss the fact that she hurt me. She finally told me she is sorry that i took what she said that way and she shouldn’t have said it. But she thinks that I have twisted her words in my head. I then told her I can’t forgive her when she can’t even admit what she did and it was not the first time. She then left angry at me.
So AITA?
NTA.
Your mother is abusive. I have C-PTSD because of my mother’s constant, life-long abuse. She also accused me of “not having any friends” because “nobody liked me.” I actually believed her for a while. Then I sat down and counted all the friends I’d ever had (good and bad). I’ve had tons of friends, but her meanness convinced me that I didn’t have any. I hope you are successful abroad and keep some space between you and your vicious mother.
Thank you. I am sorry that you had to deal with a mother like this too. I actually started to believe her a while ago because I am currently more or less alone. I have to try sitting down and counting all the friends and people i have/had in my life.
You aren’t TA, but your mom is Borderline. I think another continent is a great idea for you, because they’re isn’t a cure.
There is if a person wants it themselves! Don’t say it like Borderline is hopeless.
NTA.
What she said was cruel. Not “heat of the moment rude” — cruel.
She used your trauma, your isolation, and your insecurities as a weapon because she was angry about suitcases. That’s not proportional. That’s hitting below the belt on purpose.
And the “apology” wasn’t an apology.
NTA.
First of all, I’m sorry you were assaulted. That’s awful and should never happen to anyone.
You’re going through something extremely stressful, and it sounds like the last year or so hasn’t been a cake walk. Your mom then weaponised that stress against you because she wants to do a tidy up before guests swing by. Did you respond perfectly? Probably not. You sound like you’ve a lot going on. But I also can’t get a clear read on what this conversation was when your mom came back later. It doesn’t seem like she apologised or accepted that she was out of line…? Did she see that what she said was hurtful and wrong?
I would be very curious to hear how she responded to finding out you were SA’d.
Regardless, you’ve outgrown that house. Get your luggage into a garage or attic, or some place out of her way until you can get out and get the space you need.
NTA!! i find it silly that there was a huge argument over a suitcase but she shouldn’t have gone that far and accepted responsibility for being rude
Leave and don’t call her again. She is nasty and deliberately mean to you, over and over. She isn’t worth having in your life. You won’t miss her.
NTA
NTA
‘And I hope you understand that you are the main reason I’m moving so far away.’