I’m pregnant with my first baby and due later this year. My mom initially offered to help for 30 days postpartum, but I’ve decided to hire a night nurse instead.
This isn’t about one incident , it’s a long pattern. My mom has a history of emotional volatility and unreliability. At my sister’s graduation and at events leading up to my wedding, she overdrank and became disruptive. A couple years ago, she also became physically aggressive with me during an argument in public. She tends to minimize concerns and avoids accountability, and despite my asking, she hasn’t pursued therapy.
There have also been times she’s committed to helping and backed out last minute. For example, when my dog had surgery, she promised to stay with her so I could attend my birthday dinner, then tried to cancel an hour before because she wanted to go out for drinks instead.
Recently, she chose to travel to South America for elective cosmetic surgery a few months before my due date. When I voiced concern about possible complications and recovery time, especially since she’ll be taking significant time off from her in-person job, she told me she “can’t put her life on hold because I’m pregnant” and that I’m “not sick.” I only asked if she would consider delaying it until next year, not canceling it. She declined.
My husband and I can afford a night nurse, and I feel calmer having professional, neutral support rather than depending on someone who has historically been unpredictable. She’s welcome to meet the baby (we live in different states) , but I’m not comfortable relying on her for extended help.
Some family members think I’m overreacting. I see this as responding to a pattern and protecting my family.
AITA?
NTA at all!!! Protect your peace
NTA. It’s your child. Your duty is to your kid and no one else. You don’t owe your mother shit here.
Sounds like you’re making the right choice.
Mothers can be difficult. Save yourself the headache
NTA
Trust the proven track record and don’t allow additional stress during this time.
If your Mom makes a stink about, she’ll have to wait to meet the baby.
NTA. If someone has a history of unreliability, you will naturally replace them with someone more secure, even if she is your mother.
If you wanted to be, well, strategic I guess you could call it, you could tell any relatives “Oh, I don’t want to put that burden on Mom, you know she sometimes takes on more than she should, like the time she said she’d do X, and then couldn’t manage it.” Get that version of events out there.
Depending on what the cosmetic surgery is, I don’t think you can really ask her to avoid it months before the birth, though.
Don’t forget “mum has plans to be in South America, she should be back by the time I give birth but I dont want her to stress about rushing back or whether or not she might get my unimmunised baby sick if she brings back any illness from her trip.”
NTA if you couldn’t rely on her before why would she expect you to rely on her now? 100 percent get that night nurse for your leave of mind and the babies safety. Congrats on your soon to be new arrival
NTA at all. You mom wants to have helped (past tense ofc), or to be able to think of herself as helpful, but does not want to actually do things that would make her helpful.
NTA!!!
Honestly you don’t need the stress.
Also the saying “Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.” is not for nothing.
Better for you to have peace of mind and know this is a sure thing than to go through the next few months in doubt.
NTA
She has proven that she is unreliable and her priorities are with drinking, not the care or saftey of her pregnant daughter nor soon to be born grandchild. If anyone complains to you just remind them that she is right, she doesn’t have to “put her life on hold” for you. You’re just respecting her wishes by hiring the night nurse to leave her free to go and life her life unburddened.
NTA
You know your mum, and you know what she’s like. You absolutely do not need the extra stress and anxiety at a time that is already stressful.
100% put your needs and your baby’s needs over your mother’s “help,” because it very much sounds like her “help” is not that at all, and I think you do know this.
Don’t let her, or anyone else, guilt you into this because “family.”
Oh my goodness I would have given anything to have a professional night nurse after my babies were born! Enjoy, Mama!
Don’t give it another thought. Just determine how you will handle your mother, and stick to it.
NTA. “she also became physically aggressive” and that is the breaking point for this relationship. She does not get to put her hands on you. Period. I would not trust her around a newborn – or myself.
NTA.
“AITA for choosing a trained professional instead of an unreliable and possibly dangerously drunk person to attend my baby?” Answer sure seems obvious to me.