Me (35f) and my husband (38m) have been together for 15 years, and so does his brother and wife.
We have 2 kids (4 and 7), and his brother also has 2 kids (10 and 4).
We live on the same street, and the kids like to play together.
Me and the wife don’t have the best relationship, but we are cordial with one another and try to avoid each other as much as possible, so my husband and his brother are the ones who meet with the kids.
In the last 2 months the kids have been spending weekends together which is great but it’s mainly in our house.
When they come over, my husband and his brother play video games in another room leaving me to attend to the kids and clean after them.
Iast weekend when they came over, I half jokingly said that next play date will be at their house, as i would also appreciate some time for myself and to do stuff around the house without interruption.
The next day I went to work and when I came back his brother was there again playing video games while the house was a mess with toys scattered all over the living room. I was pissed and they all went outside to the playground.
A few days have passed since. My husband still tries to guilt trip me, saying his nephew wants to come over. They still didn’t meet in their house (and haven’t met there in the last month or so). And I got mad that he continues to put me in the "bad guy" position when I simply asked for rotation and to split more evenly the amount of time the kids spend between the two houses.
AITA for not allowing them to come over?
Clarification- the issue is not the mess. They clean afterward when I ask them to and the men don’t argue when I shut their gaming time down. I want them to go more over there so I could also get some quite time alone
Or how about asking your husband to stop playing video games and pay attention to the kids and to clean up?
Is there a reason why they don’t go to the other house? Or does your husband have the best video games?
NTA.
You’re not banning the kids. You’re asking for basic fairness.
If the playdates are always at your house, and you’re the one supervising and cleaning while the guys hide with video games, that’s not a shared family activity. That’s unpaid babysitting with extra mess.
Wanting rotation is completely reasonable. Wanting your husband to actually parent and clean in his own home is also reasonable.
He’s putting you in the “bad guy” role because it’s easier than stepping up or asking his brother to host. That’s not fair to you.
If he wants them over, cool. Then he supervises. He cleans. Or they rotate houses like normal adults. You’re not wrong for refusing to carry the entire load.
NTA but you have a husband problem. He and his brother and going to have to put down the video games and watch the kids.
And clean up afterwards!
Why not say ‘Sure they can come over. I’m going out though. Have a blast. Call me when the house is clean.’
Husband: Hey, Brother and kids are coming over this Saturday afternoon.
You: Great! I’ll be out shopping. Pizza rolls are in the freezer, but you might want to pick up another gallon of milk. I expect all the toys back in their places when I get back.
Women deserve quiet time in their place of rest, their home.
They absolutely do, but a few days of the husband and BILs video gaming getting interrupted because mom isn’t there will likely prompt husband to push for a more equitable split between homes when they’re getting together. They keep doing it at her house because she’s making it convenient for them to do so.
She can stop making it convenient by leaving the house for the next few hangout sessions, requiring both fathers to be more attentive to the needs of the children in her absence. At minimum, she’ll get some time out of the house to do what she wants, but it’s also likely to get her the outcome she wants (more quiet time at home).
If she’s tried asking them to split time between houses and there’s been no change, continuing to ask isn’t going to magically make it happen.
The last time she was at work when they came over so she wasn’t available to take care of the kids.
She is asking for uninterrupted quiet time to do things around the house. Going shopping does not achieve that…
But didn’t you know? Women be shopping!!
When I want quiet time, I want to chill at home and not go out. Wth
> ~~Pizza rolls are in the freezer, but you might want to pick up another gallon of milk.~~
I will not be planning for or taking any questions on feeding people.
*Husband, I am not your brother’s free babysitter. He comes over to game with you and you become an absentee parent…leaving me to not only parent our kids but his kids as well.*
*I am not going to spend all my weekends parenting and cleaning up after 4 kids just so you can game with your brother and your brother’s wife can have a kid free day. It’s simply not happening*
*So if your brother’s kids want to come over, you and your brother will be watching them…not gaming.*
*Whatever is going on, it stops now. Period*
NTA