So I (15M) and my friend (15F) who I will call Cassy, have been arguing lately.
For some context, Cassie comes from a family filled with bigotry and misogyny. She says she does not agree with her family and dislikes how they speak about certain groups, but I am not sure I believe her.
For the racism allegation, she has always given people with darker skin dirty looks and disgusted expressions. Cassy never has issues with RBF or anything like that, so I did not know why she looked so disgusted. She also mentioned how she does not find people with dark skin attractive, and finds it unflattering. Cassy claims this is just preference but to me it sounds like blunt and shameless racism. I personally don’t take skin color into consideration to much, I focus on posture, personality, features, and presence, rather then what someones skin tone is.
As for the Sexism allegation, Cassy has always mentioned me being a guy influencing certain conversations and dynamics. For example when I want to join a conversation, sometimes she will say, "You’re a guy you would not understand." which I understand to an extent in some situations. However I later find out what the conversation is about and I see no reason why I should be excluded from it. Once it was about how she went to the store over the weekend, which I don’t understand why gender would matter when talking about a trip to the grocery store. The sexism is less based on proof and more based on assumptions, I will confess.
The homophobic allegation is the most personal to me. When I came out Cassy did not believe me. She questioned me and made me feel like the large step into having a deeper understanding of myself was more like stepping straight into a sinkhole. After this we were talking at lunch and I mentioned this guy I found cute, to which Cassy rolled her eyes and turned away. The household I live in also throws around slurs and misogyny, which I scoff at because of the idiocy of their words. The slur for gay people has also been directed at me several times at home. I have told everyone I know that I despise being called any slur or even hearing them being used. I have one friend who once called me the slur and I ranted for 5 minutes about the bad history of the slur, and how unintelligent it makes people sound. I get people call people slurs sometimes as a joke of mutual understanding, but I don’t condone any of that behavior. While at lunch, Cassy and I were talking. Somewhere in the conversation I said I find the new student attractive. To reply she turned away and whispered under her breath. The thing about Cassy is that she is a loud whisperer. I heard what she said. She called me the slur for gay people.
I was furious. I went off on her and called her a biggoted piece of crap who acts just like her family. I then called Cassy Racist, sexist, and homophobic and moved to the other side of the table. So AITAH for my actions or were they justified?
NTA – You become the people where you hang around most, do you really want to be a “Cassy?” Seriously, it will never be more easy than right now to make new friends, find friends worth having, it’s not your job to fix Cassy and her crappy attitude towards others.
sounds pretty clear cut to me. nta. cut that bigot out of your life
NTA. However, you need better people to hang around with. In addition, remember that old saying about birds of a feather flocking together? If you keep hanging out with her, people will naturally assume that you are just like her. Think about it. Is that really who you are? No? Then drop her. You cannot fix her or correct her ideas. It is time to move on.
Ty for the advice, I will be sure to take it! : )
NTAH- if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, and acts like a duck…it’s probably a duck. I am also a part of the fruit basket fam and I do not tolerate that slur from ANYONE. If I ever hear a man say it I hit them with the “if you don’t want a **** up your ass, don’t say that word” and they always shut right up. People being openly racist homophobic etc are just asking to be called out. Bring back public shaming!
NTA. if she can’t do better, she does not deserve your friendship.
Sounds like you need to go
Off on a lot of people. Cassie clearly sucks, but you deserve to be treated with dignity and kindness in your home also. I wish I could give you a hug.
Nta, she’s a bigot. For what it’s worth: once you get out of HS, you’ll likely never interact with her again!
NTA, but I would hesitate to call Cassy one either. There’s no excuse for calling you a terrible name, but she’s a kid and it’s hard to break out of family ideologies. She may have a long way to go, and she may act like an AH sometimes now, but it sounds like she would like to be different which is at least a first step. You’re both only 15. Neither of you is anywhere near the people you’re actually going to turn out to be
NTA
You probably could have handled the situation a bit more calmly, but honestly she used a slur toward you first. At 15, people are old enough to know that kind of language is hurtful.
Getting angry and calling her out after hearing that is not exactly surprising. If someone says something offensive, they shouldn’t be shocked when the reaction isn’t polite.
Nta. I think you can find a better quality of person to hang out with.