I’ll start this off with the fact that I am 20 f. Recently I took my car into the shop, it’s a pretty old car from 2010. I got the car in 2021 and it served me well for multiple years, I took it in last week because I had a couple of lights on and I had some concerns about some noises I was hearing in the back. They told me that I had a pretty significant problem under the hood in the front and it would cost about $1,400 to start looking at that problem and getting it fixed. They looked at some other problems in my car and told me the grand total to fix everything would be about $5,000. Now I like to think that I have a pretty nice job but I do not have $5,000 to cough up for this car. Not to mention I only spent $2,000 on the car and I thought that would be putting too much money into it.
I was over at my mom’s house and my stepdad offered me his car that he never drives to drive for a little while until I could get enough money to buy a new car. I was extremely grateful and talked to my dad first to see how we would feel, him and my mom have had problems in the past and he has a really hard time trusting her with certain things, so of course he did not trust the situation one bit. He told me that unless they were going to put me on the insurance, sell me the car, or give me the car that I could not drive it. I talked to my stepdad and we eventually worked it out, he put me on the insurance until next year so I’d be safe to drive the car in case I got into an accident.
I went and picked up the car from my mom’s house that night, my dad was extremely mad at me. The next day when I got home from work he proceeded to yell at me, tell me that my mom abandoned me to make me feel bad about trusting her, and told me that I hurt his feelings because all he wants to do is protect me and he thought that my mom and stepdad were going to "screw me over" as he put it. He also told me that I deliberately disobeyed him, when he never told me no he just told me he didn’t like the situation. Then when I met the parameters he set he still didn’t like it.
He told me that I was an ungrateful daughter and that I pretty much just shit on any opinions he had on the situation. I ended up taking the car back to my stepdad on Tuesday. The emotional stress of making sure I didn’t get into a wreck and of having my dad so angry at me all the time simply for trying to make sure that I don’t drive a car that would break down is too much for me to deal with right now.
Am I the asshole for hurting his feelings? Am I being over dramatic?
NTA. Your dad needs to chill. You’re an adult now and are entitled to make your own decisions. You shit on his opinions because they were stupid, childish, and guaranteed to make your life harder. He’s irrational and narcissistic for wanting to inconvenience you just to satisfy his ego. My advice to you is to move out of your dad’s house as soon as you can. A good parent supports you and does their utmost to make life easy for you and promote self sufficiency. They don’t hold you back so that they can keep you dependent on them forever.
NTA**.** You met every condition he set, got properly insured, and he still blew up because this was never really about the car.
*He told me that unless they were going to put me on the insurance, sell me the car, or give me the car that I could not drive it.*
You are 20 years old, not 17. Unless you live in a country where a 20yo is still a minor, your dad does not get to order you around any more, even if you still live under his roof.
He’s allowed to set rules and boundaries related to living in the house, and if you don’t like those he may ask you to find alternative accommodation. But for things that are nothing to do with him, such as which car you drive, he cannot tell you what to do.
*He also told me that* ***I deliberately disobeyed him***, *when he never told me no he just told me he didn’t like the situation.*
Whether he told you “yes” or “no” is irrelevant. Even if he had given you a direct order, **you do not need to obey him**. Do you get that?
You are an adult. You need to obey only two things: the law (even then, only if it’s a good law), and your own conscience.
Are you familiar with Fiddler On The Roof? There’s a famous exchange between a father, his daughter, and the young man she wants to marry. Father won’t give his permission for the marriage. The young man responds “We’re not asking for your permission. Only your blessing.” The father is shocked. “You’re not asking for my permission?” His daughter replies “No, Papa. But we would like your blessing.”
That is how you should approach EVERY interaction with your dad from now on. He’s allowed to voice his opinion. You may choose to hear him out and consider what he says. After all, he does have more life experience than you. He may sometimes have an opinion worth listening to, and he may even be less angry if he knows you considered it. So don’t dismiss him out of hand.
But ultimately, your decision is YOURS. If you get his blessing for whatever you decide to do, that’s nice, but it isn’t essential. As long as you are convinced you are doing the right thing, then go ahead and do it. If his feelings are hurt, that’s too bad. His feelings are his to manage.
nta. so is your dad helping you pay for your car? getting you another car? or is his only contribution yelling at you?
you don’t need his consent to use your step-dad’s car, and unless he’s got a nice trick up his sleeve vis-a-vis safe car to drive he really should not have gotten involved at all.
you can’t sabotage your life because your angry dad doesn’t like the people helping you.
This isn’t about conditions, this is about CONTROL.
Your Dad, bluntly, is being a bit of a prick, because he doesn’t want you having a Dad/daughter relationship with your stepdad, and is doing everything he can to sabotage that.
He’s more interested in his own ego than in what is safest and best for you.
I can see why your mum divorced him, he’s a control freak.
Your dad’s pissed because your step dad helped you in a way he couldn’t. It’s jealousy, control and just not nice.
NTA.
NTA, and I’m sorry. You’re dad is clearly going through something that’s beyond the car and it sucks that he couldn’t get his shit together to make your life easier.
There comes a point where you take full responsibility for your life, decisions, and consequences and care less what your parents think. I hope the silver lining to this story is that it moves you closer to that point. But it sounds like a tough situation, and I’m sorry you’re having to deal with it.
NTA and your dad just emotionally guilt tripped you over his own biases against your mom and stepdad. His feelings, while valid for himself, are irrelevant to your situation since he had no alternative and only said a bunch of “I, I, I,” statements and said you were ungrateful for not listening to him. He needs therapy
Nta but your dad sure is. If he doesn’t want you going no contact in the future he needs to chill the f out, and probably therapy. Ngl, you might need therapy too. Adults like you are wise to seek counsel, but no one should be telling you what to do unless they’re paying you well enough lol. He can’t fix your car situation, but stepdad can. I’d let him.
NTA. It’s not about the car