I’m not typically someone who likes/looks for a lot of attention on my birthday because historically my birthday always lands on a busy day or something happens, I understand this is no one’s fault, its the luck of the day. Historically my birthday always had something I didn’t enjoy, like tests at school as a kid/university student, weather where I am can be unpredictable this time of year where it can be either -35°C and blizzarding or +15 and balmy so I’ve had parties cancelled on the day or I was trapped alone somewhere because road closures, hell I was even fired on my birthday just before COVID locked the world down. And because of that it took a couple years to recover financially from it all so I was also refusing to get presents because we simply couldn’t afford it. So the last 5 or 6 years I’ve kind of just been wanting to treat it as more or less any other day because, ultimately I’m a grown up, middle aged birthdays shouldn’t be an accomplishment with the exception of like the every 5 year ones (even then meh). And it might sound pretentious but I also don’t feel as though I should really have to plan my own birthday when I already don’t give a damn about it.
This morning my wife was getting ready for work, and she said Happy Birthday to me and I said thank you. And she said "I’m glad we had another year of you" which I chuckled and said thanks awkwardly. And she said "we seem to have such different opinions on how birthdays feel" and I replied with, "because I don’t feel like its been a special day, I just have to renew my license"(in a joking tone). But she then said, "well but we have had lots of good parties on your birthday and have had fun before" which I agreed with but I pointed out that I usually then end up having to be the one that cooks and gets the house ready for it, or essentially hosts it all because I’m usually off work this time of year (I work seasonal from spring to fall) and that took away alot of the "special" for me because it was just more work that I had to do. But then she took it as I don’t see any of the efforts she has made in the past to make me feel special on my birthday. Which isn’t at all what I was saying and I did clarify that and pointed out the things she has done to try for me and that it’s not unnoticed, but that doesn’t change that my birthday is just another day. I then pointed out the Coles notes of what I above mentioned, and that I’m not blaming anyone and I don’t feel attacked by this, it just happens. I also joked that the couple things she ordered for my birthday this year isn’t gonna even show up on time because its just par for the course (scheduled for Monday delivery despite her ordering 2 weeks ago). She wiped tears away saying she tries, and I said I notice that but it’s just how it works.
But of course now it’s left hanging because she doesn’t wanna argue with me on my birthday but I can also tell shes stewing about it but had to go to work.
So, AITA?
Look. NTA. But take care for your wife. She doesn’t understand.
You and I are the same. Same same but different. My wife didn’t fully understand but there are just some people out there that do not care about their birthday. And some people that absolutely need to celebrate someone else. If they don’t they feel lesser.
You should talk to your wife. She’s in the right state wanting you to be happy but she probably doesn’t understand why you feel that way and don’t care. I’m glad you noticed her effort.
I don’t know if this helps but I plan something special for my wife on my birthday every year. It’s easier to make her happy on that day then it is for other to make me happy.
My .02 but you should talk to her.
NAH.
You see birthdays as just another day because of past experiences. Your wife sees them as a chance to celebrate you. When you downplay the day, she probably feels like her efforts don’t matter, even though that’s not what you meant.
No one did anything wrong, it’s just a difference in perspective.
It might help to reassure her later:
“ I do appreciate what you do for my birthday. I just don’t personally put a lot of weight on the day itself.”
This times a thousand! I see this in my own marriage as well. My husband downplays things which makes me think he doesn’t appreciate my effort, which makes me stop doing things, which reinforces his thinking. It’s a bad loop and one I’m working to be more aware of when it comes to our differences in perspective. It truly also comes down to improving communication.
NAH. For context, my family and I haven’t had a “traditional” view on birthdays for 20 years now. Our idea of birthdays is we call each other, if we are nearby, we get together, and we get a meal at a restaurant and buy a cake to sing happy birthday. We don’t really make each other give gifts on birthdays or Christmas. We just give gifts whenever we found something we really want to get for the other person (could be none some years, could be multiple gifts a year others). And we don’t make the birthday person host or prepare anything. I personally do not like birthday parties and my last one was when I was 9 years old, with the exception of my quinceañera which was a small gathering. The rest of my family also doesn’t like parties because they just hate hosting them and having to clean up afterwards.
If you know you don’t like the tradition for your birthday, change it. You can change it to having a date with your wife, eating your favorite dish, going to a special place, etc. Don’t do something that doesn’t make you happy. Choose something meaningful to you. Make your own traditions.
Soft YTA. I don’t think you were being malicious, and you were being a bit hurtful.
And I get it–I sincerely don’t care about my birthday and really haven’t since I turned 16 and could start driving (My complex comes from I’d rather celebrate my actual accomplishments instead of my continued existence–but I have a family that doesn’t value my accomplishments; e.g., earning a feckin PhD from the best uni for my subject of study in the world vs the cousins that got knocked up accidentally: guess who’s the Black Sheep).
It’s to the point that many friends I’ve made after undergrad don’t even know when it is. I have friends that love to be celebrated on their birthday, and I’m so happy to match their energy. When it comes to mine, I’ll let them buy me a drink if we go out but I really don’t like being the focus of attention like that.
There was one year during grad school when my grandma was dying, I decided to make her cake recipe for my birthday and brought it to my friends house because a bunch of us were getting together to watch RuPaul’s Drag Race.
My friends were *horrified* that they either didn’t know or forgot it was my birthday. I had to assure them that me even bringing the cake was something to feel closer to Granny than any actual celebration. I do NOT want to be the center of attention. I wanted to watch drag queens perform and eat Granny’s cake. Yadda yadda. I had to give a lot of assurances and I genuinely felt bad I made them feel bad–I should have just brought the cake and told them about granny and not even mentioned the bday and I would’ve accomplished my goal!
YOU, seem to have some level of resentment about your birthday. And that’s *okay*. What’s not okay is going years telling your wife you don’t care about X or Y swallowing down your resentment to (it seem accidentally) throw that in her face. From her perspective, she’s been giving you what (she thought) you wanted and you’ve never complained–until now. The time to have the conversation about feeling like hosting your own party was more of a burden for you than anything, was after that first party to give her the opportunity to make corrective action. Pointing out shipping delays she has no control over when she’s already feeling bad, bit of a dick move.
Your wife loves you and wants to celebrate you. You don’t want to celebrate your birthday. Have a convo to come up with something you can do together where she gets to cherish you and you get to feel loved and appreciated. Doesn’t have to be a birthday. Doesn’t have to involve other people. Let her show her love for you in a way that you sincerely appreciate
Honestly YTA a little. Not because you don’t care about your birthday, that’s totally fine, but because you basically told someone who was clearly trying to make you feel special that it doesn’t matter anyway. When someone wipes away tears and says “I try,” that’s usually a sign the message didn’t land the way you think it did.
Oh, he cares about his birthday. He cares A LOT about it. Like children do.
OMG you are so much the AH. Let me play my violin why you lament further about all the sucky events that you’ve endured around all your birthdays. You need to either just forget about it and let everyone know not to do a THING! Or understand, as an adult, that the idealized celebrations we’ve imagined rarely happen. Apologize to your wife too you sad sack.
Was there really any need to be that mean about it? And throwing it in her face that what she ordered hasn’t arrived yet? You’re miserable about your birthday and just wanted to drag her down as well. Mission accomplished. Hope you’re happy.
I think the fault here is yours. You’ve acted like your birthday means nothing for years, and now you want it to mean something, but you don’t actually want to say it, you want your wife to somehow know it? Have an honest and adult conversation with her about how things have changed and that you would like a proper celebration.
Reading this made me so incredibly sad.
Not only are YTA, but an insufferable, emotionally stunted child and I honestly hope your wife leaves you so she can be happy. You don’t deserve her.
Get a grip, dude. I am not religious but am currently praying that you never have children.
YTA for being such a child about your birthday. Most adults dgaf about birthdays. If it’s so special to you, go somewhere that will give you a cupcake with a candle if you tell them it’s your birthday. Your “special day” is only special to you.
Have you ever before used your words and told her what you’d like your birthday to be like? Ever said “I’d rather not have to cook on my birthday?” Or did you never mention it before, just expected people to have ESP about how you felt, for years, and only now tell her, out of the blue, “oh, btw, I haven’t enjoyed my birthday all these years”? YTA.