Throwaway account for all the usual reasons.
I (22F) have been roommates with (23F) since May – I moved into our apartment almost directly after I graduated from college because I was lucky enough to get a really good internship in the city we live in.
Me and my roommate had only spoken a handful of times online but I think we became friends quite quickly. After unpacking, we both realized we had a couple similar interests and sort of bounced off from there.
However, it also became pretty apparent that me and my roommate are very different people. I’m not very social. I’m general the type of person that only speaks when needed or if I’m spoken to, so for the first few months of us living together I spent most of my free time in our apartment. My roommate, on the other hand, is very social. She’s out almost every evening (sometimes until the next morning).
I never really minded, since IMO we’re both adults capable of making our own decisions. As long as she’s not harming herself or others I don’t really care.
Late last year, I started sort of forcing myself to go out and make friends. I was tired of being lonely at our apartment all the time. So, I went to different events within our city and explored. It was terrifying but I eventually made a couple friends. I even got a girlfriend! We met doing pottery – she came up to me to compliment my tattoos and I somehow managed to keep her attention.
Overtime, I spent less and less time in the apartment. At first nothing really changed, but then my roommate started to send me text messages whenever I didn’t tell her what I was doing. Usually, when I stay out late I usually try to give her a heads-up but that’s about it. Despite that, if I wasn’t home she’d ask me where I was, or what exact time I was planning on coming back, or who I was with. The first few times, I brushed it off as her being worried. Admittedly this was a big shift in my character! So, I’d respond and try to ease her worries.
But, it’s only gotten stranger. She started constantly asking if I hated her and she calls me randomly despite never doing so just a few months ago. I’ve gotten home from my friends’ or my girlfriend’s places to her still awake on our couch waiting to ask about what I was up to.
She still goes out all the time with her friends, as I’m writing this she’s literally spending the night with one of her friends.
My girlfriend mentioned that maybe my roommate just missed being able to hangout whenever she wanted, but I tried to make plans with my roommate tons of times only for her to forget and ‘double-book’ or decide she doesn’t want to go last minute.
TL;DR: AITA for spending a lot of time with my friends and girlfriend without telling my roommate what I’m doing first?
**NTA.**
You’re roommates, not partners. Giving a general heads-up if you’ll be out late is considerate, but you’re not required to report where you are, who you’re with, or when you’ll be back every time you leave the apartment.
It sounds like your roommate got used to you being home a lot in the beginning and now feels weird about the change. But that doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong you’re just living a normal social life.
If anything, the behavior you’re describing (waiting up, repeatedly asking if you hate her, needing updates on your location) suggests she may be dealing with some insecurity or loneliness herself. That’s something she needs to work through, not something you’re responsible for fixing.
A simple boundary like *“I’ll always let you know if I’m not coming home that night, but otherwise I’m just out with friends”* would be completely reasonable
Maybe your room mate has a crush on you
That’s what I was thinking lol
Have you talked to her about this change?
I tried once, but I’m not really sure how to take it. When I brought up the ‘do you hate me texts’, she said it was because she got anxious easily. From past stories, she’s had some rough endings to friendships before. I’ve tried to reassure her, because I do really like being her friend but I don’t really know where to go from here? If that makes sense…
NTA. The way you’re describing her makes me find her creepy ngl
NTA. Sounds weird as hell and controlling… Especially the waiting part. You are just sharing a living space!
I’d probably try to bring it up in conversation. If she asks again where you’ve been just say sth along the lines oh yeah I am enjoying being out more, I appreciate you asking me, but please know I am alright, you do not need to wait on me. Just see how it goes. If it does not stop and makes you uncomfortable then you should be straight and say what you think. Doesn’t look like the situation will resolve without a conversation at least.
I find it interesting that suddenly she’s interested as a result of you making a change and demands to be let in. Let her know that she’s not entitled to be a part of your social life. NTA
Nope NTA by any stretch of the Imagination.
If you want to learn more about the what and why, read or YouTube up on attachment styles, particularly the Anxious and Fearful Avoidant ones. But if you’re not genuinely interested then don’t.
Either way it’s not your job to fix your roommate (hint: she’s not going to get better unless she actually wants to anyway.) Until she decides that, she is absolutely going to keep repeating this pattern with every person important in her life. That is, until they get fed up and leave.
NTA, I think it sounds like she just got in her own head about you having a social life now. You DO NOT owe a roommate a daily itinerary lol. If you want to be friends with her, have a talk with her about the fact that you are a grown adult with a girlfriend and friends, and you won’t always be around… But that’s not personal, it’s just normal human things lol. If she wants to hang out, she can just ask you to hang out instead of doom spiraling.
Some people can’t stop. What I mean by that is they constantly need someone to be around. These people typically cope with avoiding loneliness by over booking their calendar, going out with friends, and never having a dull moment. I think your roommate is one of these types of people. And you were kind of perfect for her. If she ever had to be still at home, you would be there so she would at least have someone. And now you aren’t always there. It isn’t about the fact that you aren’t sharing your plans, it is that you aren’t a constant safe landing for her.