Sorry in advance for the long post and thank you for taking the time to read/reply.
Some background: My husband (30M) and I (29F) had our first baby early at 33 weeks on 2/9/26 due preeclampsia complications. He has been in the ‘NICU ever since and is doing really well. We are hoping he will be able to come home in a few weeks because the only thing he needs to improve on to go home are his feedings. This has been wearing on us more than it might for some, as with our first pregnancy our baby had a fatal diagnosis while in the whom and did not make it. Since our baby boy has been in the NICU, my husband and I have been limiting our contact with friends and family and mainly only doing things that are absolutely necessary, since it is cold and flu season. We have avoided our school age nieces and nephews and mostly just go to work, home, and to the hospital. Even our groceries are delivered. The only large gathering that has been attended, was my husband’s friend’s wedding. I was didn’t go to minimize exposure but he did.
Yesterday he randomly told me he was going bowling with his friends tomorrow night (which is now tonight). I was confused because that definitely goes against the precautions we have been following. I explained to him that I am worried about him catching something seeing his friends or at the bowling alley, where germs thrive. I don’t want the extras risk of him bringing something home or to the hospital. We already take risks daily going to work and being in the hospital. He acted like I was blowing things out of proportion even after I explained that we have literally weeks before he can come home and if he gets sick, he will not be coming home for awhile. I asked him if he could just wait to go bowling until after our baby was home because after he is home, if he were to get sick, we could just see the pediatrician. If he gets sick while in the NICU, it will extend his NICU stay greatly. I’m only trying to say why take the risk (no matter how big or small) for a recreational activity like bowling?? It’s not like it’s a wedding or even a birthday party. It’s something he planned with his friends within the last few days and has no significance, other than a nonchalant hang out at the bowling alley. It’s also not like he has to wait a year. I am only asking him to postpone it for a few weeks. As of now, he is still planning to go even after I have let him know several times my issue with it and that it is causing me extra anxiety. He was offended when I told him I feel like he is making a selfish decision but he is not thinking about the extra risk for our baby or how much extra worry it will cause me.
Sorry, but I think your worry is overblown. You both are going out into the world every day, and a bowling alley isn’t some more disease-riddled place than anywhere else in the world.
I cannot imagine the incredible stress you are both under, but I do know he could probably use the break. You could probably use one, too.
YTA, but just the teeniest amount.
NICU dad here: ask him a simple question. Are you prepared to not see your baby in the NICU when I make you quarantine for our babies safety and then possibly over a week if you get sick? If he answers yes, I have bad news for you. But you are most definitely NOT the AH.
Also there are babies that are a lot more compromised usually, it’s so disrespectful to do anything more than necessary that can cause you to bring illness into the NICU.
As a mama whose son was in the NICU, I empathize with you. I don’t think you are overreacting and your points are all valid. My son is now 17 and I can say this now because I’m on the other side, having friends around for your mental health (and husband’s) is a good thing. I remember being so overwhelmed and stress levels at a 10+. Your husband may just need a break- and that’s ok. As new parents we feel the need to be on 100%. Saying you need a few hours off to laugh with your buddies doesn’t make you a bad parent, it makes you human.
Maybe you can compromise- rather than bowling- a night in with some pizza and beers- or someplace less crowded.
NAH
I understand where you’re coming from. I understand the fear, the desperation. But everyone copes with stress and fear differently, and this situation is so, so heavy. Maybe he needs to get away from the hospital, from the routine, for just a little bit. Encourage healthy habits (sanitizer, hand washing, even a mask if he will go for it) but this could potentially give you the opportunity for dialog about how hes handling this.
Your kid is stable and doing well! And currently they are cared for by a team of specialists. Both of you should take some time for yourselves imo because once your kid is home you won’t have any. Right now, if one of you gets a cold, you have the bedside team that can step in. At home, if you or husband get sick, you don’t really have anyone else to step in.
NAH but I also feel there needs to be more compassion. I had my son at 35 weeks due to preeclampsia. He had a 10 day NICU stay. It was hard.
I understand the fear of illness. Covid was still a concern when my son was born, and I was very nervous. I coped by staying in the NICU as often as possible. I was there 8-12 hours a day. My mom worked on his unit (she was not his nurse but could visit him), and she AND his NICU pediatrician encouraged us to go to lunch, dinner, grab coffee, etc.
My husband NEEDED some normalcy to cope. He was having a really hard time, and that was his way to make things easier. I needed to be in the NICU as much as possible. It made my time easier.
So no, you aren’t being TA. I do think it is important to consider how your husband is feeling. He may really be needing the support of his friends. He may need to vent to someone who is not his wife. He may want to just pretend everything is okay for a few hours. Maybe it’s better to sit down and come up with a better plan. Can he go to coffee outdoors? Go golfing? Something less risky but still social?
Edited to change to NAH from n t a
Gently, I think him taking reasonable precautions makes it ok. If you’d said it was this week or you needed to be with baby instead my opinion would change. But he’s likely struggling too and the getting out with friends is a mental health necessity not extravagance. He’s not going to lick the bowling ball or kiss his friends. Since you’re working too I don’t see this as inherently more risky. YTA, but not really because the situation is scary and you also need to recognize his need to go.
NAH
I understand your concerns.
I also understand that mental health is important and he might need a break.
You probably need one too.
You’re both going out into the world every day so I wouldn’t make this my hill to die on.
(Truthfully, I feel like going to work might be a bigger risk since people are more likely to drag themselves to work when they aren’t feeling well to avoid calling off or using a sick day.)
NAH. Your baby is in the safest place they can be. Your husband, I assume, wears a mask while visiting, as most NiCUs require it right now. I understand your worry. I really do. But at some point, normalcy has to happen for both of you as well for your mental health as well. I’m sure they’ve talked about that with you at the NICU.
NAH but mama I think you should get out a little bit too. It is exhausting to have a baby in the NICU and it’s important that you and your husband both get regular chances to decompress, de-stress and re-charge. Neither one of you is any good to anyone if you’re burned out. Take common sense health precautions like hand hygiene. Bonus points if your husband has his own bowling ball and shoes. Both of you need to be up to date on all vaccines. Might not be a bad idea to talk to the doctors or nurses about how to get the occasional break without creating needless risk.
I don’t understand. You are both going to work every day, and your husband even went to a wedding. Why is one evening at a bowling alley so much more dangerous than the other activities?
I’m guessing you are both under a great deal of stress and absolutely everything seems to be about the baby. However, it would be good for both of you and your mental health to do something other than worry about the baby. I can understand your husband wanting an evening out, and you should probably have some fun time as well.
The only person you need to ask your question is your baby’s doctor. Has the doctor told you to completely isolate yourselves except for work? Do you mask at work? Do you ever leave the house for anything but work and the hospital?
NAH because I’m sure it’s scary to have a baby in the NICU but all you need to do is ask your doctor if it would be risky for your husband to go out for an evening. No one else’s opinion matters.
Good luck with your new baby and congratulations.
What’s funny about this is that the ONLY place I pick up illnesses is whatever crud is going around at work.
As a former NICU nurse of almost a decade, you need to look into therapy. Having a preemie is very traumatic and ptsd is a complimentary favor no one asks for.
I hate to break it to you, so I’ll hold your virtual hand while saying this, but your baby’s nurses have lives. They buy their own groceries and bowl and travel and see friends, etc without masking. And hospital policy dings them for calling in sick so the only time most call out is for fever or severe GI issues. Some will mask if they feel off but some hold certain mango flavored beliefs and will refuse. Some mask all the time. Im now an FNP and I mask with every patient out of habit from COVID and bc i suffer from RBF.
Have him wear a mask to bowling and continue to mask in the unit out of an abundance of caution. You should also wear a mask to the spa or book club or whatever sparks joy for you.
No one is the AH here. We’re all just doing our best.
Came here to say the same thing as a NICU nurse.
I think getting away from the hospital for a bit would also do both parents some good to help cope with everything. Baby isn’t going anywhere for a while, it’s okay to find ways to still enjoy little things.