I (17F) have been going to the same high school for four years and have had a pretty solid friend group of about 8 people. Two of the main people in it were “Emily” and “Becca.” During senior year, there was drama and a falling-out with the larger group, so I started spending more time with people I felt more comfortable around. Emily ended up leaving the old group with me after she called them out for talking badly about us behind our backs. Becca still kept light communication with some of the old group, but joined us as well. The new friend group is very different, though; it’s a lot of dancers, actors, and generally very loud, expressive personalities.
Before Emily started hanging out with us regularly, I warned her that the dynamic was different. Conversations move quickly, and people talk over each other sometimes, so you have to jump in if you want to say something. I already knew most of them and had been friends with them before, and Becca had also known a couple of them and is naturally outgoing, so we both adjusted pretty easily.
Emily didn’t.
I tried to help her adjust at first, but I started noticing that she never spoke in group settings. She would sit with us the entire time but never join conversations. She would tap me on the shoulder and ask, “What’s happening?” even though she had been sitting there the whole time listening.
At first, I thought maybe she didn’t like them. Becca and I asked her if she was okay, and she said she was fine and that she “liked the energy in the room.” But she still never spoke. Other people in the group started mentioning that it felt like she was just watching everyone quietly, not interacting. I also found out from someone else that they had actually known Emily before I did, but that they never became close because “she was so quiet they barely talked.”
After about four months of this, I started getting frustrated. Emily would follow me into rooms where people I knew were hanging out, stand behind me while I talked to them, and just watch the conversation without participating. It started to feel like she expected me to carry every interaction for her.
The constant “what’s happening?” question really started to bother me because I didn’t understand why she wouldn’t just ask the group or jump in herself. That’s also how things were in our old friend group, and honestly, it drained me a lot because I constantly felt responsible for keeping the interaction going.
So now Becca and I haven’t dropped her as a friend, but we’ve stopped actively trying to help her integrate into the group. We’ll still talk to her, but we’re not putting in all the effort anymore. The problem is that her presence sometimes makes things uncomfortable because she’ll stand there silently behind us, while we’re talking to people. I feel guilty because we’ve been friends for years, but I also feel exhausted trying to manage someone else’s social interactions. AITA?
NTA if someone stands silently for months and still expects you to narrate every conversation, that’s exhausting.
YTA. She likes you as a friend. She feels out of place, but thinks you like her to. I get why you feel smothered – but a better approach might be to talk with her directly. She sounds like an introvert who has trouble engaging in larger settings. If you really care about her, you might consider inviting her and only one of the other friends from the friend group to hang out in a smaller setting.
That being said – you’re not obligated to be her emotional support. You don’t have to be her friend.
ESH Just hang out with her 1-1 or in a small group. You dont have to include your friends in everything
NTA. You tried for months to help her integrate, which is already more effort than most people would make. You’re her friend, not her social manager.
Emily might just be very shy or socially anxious, so I do feel a bit for her. But it’s still not your responsibility to carry every interaction for her.
YTA. Not everyone likes being an active participant in a group setting. She sounds like an introvert and maybe prefers to observe and listen in group settings, which does happen. Doesn’t mean she’s not trying to “integrate”. Not everyone likes talking over others and jumping into conversations can feel uncomfortable for some. Give her some grace.
I kinda lean towards YTA/no one’s the AH. Not everyone fits in with every group. Personally your group sounds exhausting to me, where everyone is talking over each other and you have to force yourself into the conversation. If that’s your thing then that’s fine but for introverts it’s a nightmare, even if you like the people. When you have someone like your friend, you have to ask them questions and give them an opportunity to be included rather than expect them to jump in because usually when we’ve tried to do that we get called rude for interrupting or no one hears us and then it we ask what’s going on we get told “it’s a lot to explain twice don’t worry about it.” Again this is what you do if you actually want to help her be included in the group otherwise yeah it’s just gonna feel like you’re dragging her along.
I don’t think you have to drop your friend completely (unless you want to) but maybe just do smaller hang outs where her opportunities to get involved in the conversation aren’t getting snuffed out by more assertive people.
NTA. Your personalities just don’t vibe. I have a friend like that. He’s extremely introverted! He doesn’t go to many group things, but we actually started working out together and he’s become one of my closest friends. If you like her and want the friendship to last you may need to meet her where she’s at rather than putting her in a situation where she clearly isn’t thriving.
NTA. You aren’t responsible for teaching her how to interact with people or being her intermediary when there’s a group of people.