Some quick context, I 22f am engaged to 23m. We live in a different state from my family (going to college), and my 18-year-old sister lives in the same city as us, going to the same college. My parents and youngest sibling are still in a different state.
Ever since I got engaged, my mom has been really nitpicky about my fiancé and our relationship, which sucks because before that, she used to tease me and talk to me about my relationship. Now all she ever does is have critiques or problems with him or us. (Ex’s: calling me gullible or naive for believing things my fiance has told me, telling me I don’t always have to be holding his hand or sitting next to him at things, telling me he doesn’t always have to be doing what I’m doing… that was about him playing a game with us, and also critiquing his family).
She and my youngest sibling are coming into town today for a meeting and want to get dinner. I asked if my fiancé could come with my sister and me to meet up with them – I assumed it would be fine because I am going home next week without my fiancé for spring break.
Anyway, basically, I texted her asking if he could come, and she wrote a lengthy text that, in summary, says he doesn’t have to be involved in everything, and my family and friends want to just spend time with me without him because they had a relationship with me before. him. I understand what she’s saying, but I guess I wished when I got engaged (and eventually married) that my fiancé would be welcomed into the family, a beautiful addition to my life. I look around at other people my age and see how their parents treat their partners, and I guess I just wish that my mom were supportive and interested in getting to know him. Anytime I’m on the phone with her, and he’s around, I ask if she wants to say hi, and she always says no and goes off on me about how I can’t force relationships and not everyone wants to be involved.
I’m trying really hard to have a life outside of my fiancé with my friends, family, and hobbies. But why can’t he also be a part of some of it?
“… she always says no and goes off on me about how I can’t force relationships and not everyone wants to be involved.”
She has told you want she intends/wants. Listen instead of beating yourself up over something you can not fix.
You need to ask her your ending question, but be prepared for an answer you may not like.
Folks need to respect each other; they do not have to like each other.
Nta but I’m willing to bet her feelings are more about her than you
Her oldest child is getting married and for some reasons mothers lose their crap when that happens.
In general make sure you are talking to others about their lives and you have a life outside of the wedding planning it is normal to get all caught up in it but annoying as hell for everyone else
Well, she’s got one thing right, you can’t force a relationship. like they can’t force you to have a relationship with them while they are being disrespectful
nta. but she is right. you can’t let yourself be connected at the hip to any parter and you can’t be hurt when they don’t want to include them. the only thing i’m wondering about is when she says you’re gullible for believing him. are you? is he a liar? if so, end it. do not marry this person.
NTA – BUT you might want to put it this way. Mom, you don’t have to like him or interact with him..BUT as I age and marry him, he is going to be a bigger and bigger part of my life, and if you choose not to have a relationship with him, you will not be a part of that life. Childhood becomes a smaller and smaller part of everyones life as they age, and if you choose not to be part of my adult life, then we are going to just keep growing apart because you have chosen not to be part of my adult life. But that is your decision.
Neither of you is wrong in theory but it’s possible that one or both of you are wrong in your emphasis. Do you invite your fiance to so many family things that your mom rarely sees you without him? Do you center your fiance and sideline your mom in every interaction with your family? Do you hold hands with him so much that your other family privately think to themselves that you seem to not care whether anyone but him is present? You live in the same city as your fiance and a different city than your mom, so it’s not super surprising to me that your mom is a bit possessive of her time with you when she visits you. At the same time, maybe she’s going overboard. really hard to tell from an online description.
NTA but i agree with other commenters your mom is right. you both are also extremely young and you will for sure change in the future. i think what is happening is that you’re realizing you two aren’t truly compatible. this is why getting married young usually doesn’t work out. i am 22 myself and i can’t even imagine being engaged right now.
As a mom, I’ll say it was hard to let go of the ” just us” times, but I knew her husband was going to be around for the long haul so I made efforts to get to know him, and to get him to like me. They’ve been married for something like 10 yrs. now and guess what? Sometimes I get time alone with her too! And btw, it is totally natural and normal to sit with him, hold his hand etc. He needs the support from you too.
NAH
If your mom were being honest (if you asked her point blank), her problem is not this relationship or him. It’s that she knows neither of you are the fully formed adults you will one day become. As a result, chances are HIGH that this marriage fails (because your future selves are not compatible) or it succeeds because its been greased with the oil of codependency since you are both at that dangerous age where you believe unconditional love is a good thing and not the boundary violating hoax it always proves itself to be.
The more you push him into parts of your life where he is not a natural fit, the more likely that codependency will set in.
Personally I would cancel my trip back home for spring break. Your mother is being toxic af. That’s your future husband and if she doesn’t recognize that he’s going to be more important to you than she is going forward it’s just going to continue to cause friction in your marriage if not kill it. You need to tell your mom “Mom, I love him. We are getting married. Either get with the program or get left behind.” NTA
Nta.
I’m probably gonna get downed for this. And that’s fine. I feel like even if you were 32 or 42. Her reaction would still be the same. She is going to continue to behave this way. She is telling you who she is. She is never going to respect your relationship. She is never going to respect your partner. You need to make a decision. Do you want to continue living this life with your mother constantly being disrespectful to your partner and relationship? You have to find your lady balls and put her in her place.
NTA I don’t think you are getting the message. Your mom doesn’t like your fiance. There is nothing more you need to ‘understand’ about it. If you’re lucky, your mom may eventually learn to tolerate him in small doses. Welcome to adulthood. Sometimes you are going to be facing issues like this in your life. Not everything is going to go smoothly in the way that you wish it would.