I (33F) am married (34M) and have two children (5) and (2). I am currently a SAHM while I wait for a start date for a job I got a couple months ago. In the meantime, the redundancy pay I got from my last job has dried up and we’re having to trim our budget for now. (I am looking for work in the interim).
My husband works as a manager in hospitality which pretty much means that evenings and weekends are times when I have the kids my myself. I have no social life. At all. I have missed the last 5 NYEs for example.
Usually, the only social time I get is planned months in advance, usually with family travelling for childcare cus my husband rarely uses his PTO (we’re in the UK so he’s entitled to 28 days).
He knows how upset I am about feeling isolated and like I’m losing my friends and he will do things like plan and wine and cheese night for the two of us- which I do appreciate but it doesn’t really solve the problem.
Anyway, my birthday is coming up and I asked him if he’s planning anything for it. He looked like a dear in headlights. He told me he was just gonna do a steak dinner followed with wine and cheese but “we can do something else if it’s not enough for \[me\].” And that he didn’t know I wanted to do anything since I hadn’t told him. (It has been less than two weeks since I cried in the car to him about never doing anything). I was a bit snippy and said “what, you didn’t think I wanted to celebrate my birthday?”. And he has been moody since then. He’s also lashing out at the kids which I don’t like.
He asked me what my idea was and I said I’d love to go to a restaurant then just have a drink in the pub with all our friends. He has vetoed the restaurant cus we can’t afford it (that’s fair) but he also thinks the pub is out of reach too.
I feel like I’m the AH for burdening him with wanting to have a social life and not finding nights in with him to be “enough”. But I also feel like he’s TA for not listening to me and making me feel awful for suggesting going out for my birthday.
Yeah as someone who also living in the UK I wouldn’t call you the asshole but we are legit in a cost of living crisis here. You don’t have a job right now and no childcare options. It is unreasonable to expect to go out considering even pub prices are increasing. It’s not feasible right now for you to go out the steak dinner sounds like a good alternative
You’re missing the point. Op doesn’t want a steak dinner, she’d rather be able to have something social. If he’s willing to spend a few bucks on steak and wine he can spend it on 2 beers at the pub which is what she’d like-and actually needs—which is to feel like part of the world and not solely a child care provider—instead of what he wants her to want.
What about friends coming over to yours and do nibbles and board games or just hanging out (kids could go to a relatives for the night if anyone is able to do that for you?)
And if you make it a bring your own beer. Your friends will bring alcohol and snacks so it wouldnt be expensive at all
If price is a real concern couldn’t he organise a picnic where everyone brings a dish and a drink and enjoys time together? NTA, you want quality time with other people.
This is a sweet idea, but…a picnic? In January? In the UK? I see your point though and you’re on to something. Hubby needs to think outside the box and come up with a low cost option that gets his wife out and connecting with other people. I think he has an empathy problem. Being that he works in hospitality, a night in probably sounds like Heaven to him. He’s not considering that his wife is stuck at home with two children and is feeling isolated.
How many more months before you start your job?
SAHM with two kids 5 and under can be alot mentally. Is there a mom group or church group that has “mom’s day out” programs? Sometimes those can be helpful just to give you a little break.
If he’s willing to do the pub with friends, go for that, but who will take care of the kids?
Is it also possible that a friend could help watch the kids so you and he could go out?
Is it possible that you invite a friend to visit you at home (to keep the costs low) every so often so you don’t lose touch with them?
NTA for wanting to celebrate your birthday but if you’re experiencing financial restrictions, there could be some creative ways to go about it.
Social life is life, it’s not optional for social beings such as humans. NTA, and idk what AIBU means
I was wondering what that meant too, and think it may be Am I Being Unreasonable?
INFO: why are you still waiting on a start date if you accepted a job two months ago
Either that company is incompetent or something fishy is going on
Hi ! It’s for the ambulance service which has training intakes. My medical didn’t clear (yay to the Christmas break) on time so they have to defer me til the next round which they don’t know until they get the FY26 budget
Okay so how about he stays home with the kids and you go out for a few drinks with your friends? Bet since it’s your birthday, your friends may buy you a few drinks too so not too expensive.
INFO: Apart from your birthday, why does being short of cash currently and him working hospitality mean you have “no social life”??
I worked hospitality for years and there were months at a time when the only night off I got between that and night school was Mondays. So we went for dates on Mondays either monthly or every 2 months. Money was very tight because I was actually experiencing financial abuse at the time (but hadn’t realised it yet), but I would try to time 1 date meal on a deal or a voucher every 2 months after payday. Other Mondays (before the isolation from that sat alongside my partner’s emotional abuse really kicked in), I would see friends as much as I could on Mondays, at least monthly.
Aside from your birthday, why are you not seeing friends an the nights when he is home? Obviously not every night that he is home, but why are you not popping to a friend’s house for a few hours every 2 months or so? Or them coming to you? Are you pressured to stay in even on the nights he’s at home? If so, that’s not healthy. Do you feel able to set up some sort of low-cost monthly or 2-monthly thing to do with friends (board game night, due each others hair, try a new recipe together, whatever)?
Thanks for all the replies. I do like some of the suggestions on here. I used to host games nights so I’ve mentioned it to my husband but we will need to work around the kids as neither of a families live nearby.