Hi Reddit
My partner and I are due to be staying at her mothers house for 5 nights this Christmas. My partners Mum, we will call her Mary, has 2 double beds and 1 single bed, to accomodate her and 3 other couples including us and no sofa beds or fold out beds.
This means that 3 people are without a dedicated bed sapce. In the previous year a couple of other people have slept on a camping mattress on the floor, and it has been suggested that it is our turn. I’m happy for the other guests to stay in the beds in the house and do not wish to take that from them, however, I am also not comfortable staying for 5 nights on the floor. In previous years, whilst i appreciate other people did do this, nobody was expected to do it for 5 nights.
My compromise suggestion was to get a hotel room for 5 nights, at my partner and I’s own expense, about half a mile down the road, with the intention being we would only sleep there and would arrive each morning to be part of breakfast etc. with the family and leave only once everyone else had decided to end the day.
Unfortunately when my partner posed this to her mother, Mary got angry about it to the extent that she told us we should not bother attending at all if that is what we want to do. She did apologise for being a little over the top later on, but I am not sure on exactly what points she regrets saying. The point is though, she is very angry about this and has gone to the extent of trying to accuse me of keeping her daughter away from her family and called me abusive, and self-centered.
My primary concern is that if we don’t have a good night’s sleep for 5 days running, not only due to the camping mattress on the floor but also the fact we are in a room just off the lounge which will probably mean we cannot get an early night if needed, we will feel terrible pretty quickly and it will not be an enjoyable experience. We also have a long drive back early following the last night and I don’t want to be sleep deprived heading into a long journey home.
To add some context, Mary is very particular about sleeping arrangements and has actively avoided staying with my family before, instead sleeping in the car in our driveway. I have no issue with this as long as she is happy, but i feel it is relevant context. She was offered a bed, but refused.
My partner has often compromised in ways which I don’t think are fair on her to accomodate Mary, and she has said she’d sleep on the floor to keep the peace, but I don’t think this is fair when a couple of good alternatives exist.
As a secondary option I’ve said I will buy a fold up double bed and stay in the house, however, this has not gone down well either. Despite this room previously being a double room, Mary is insistent that she cannot move anything around to accomodate it.
I didn’t expect this to blow up into such a huge problem and did not want it to drive a wedge between Mary and us, but it seems like nothing we suggest is palatable.
AITA?
NTA. One night is ok to be sleeping on a mattress on the floor but not 5 nights and no one’s getting any younger.
Yea this isn’t even a conversation. My back hurt so bad last week I could barely breathe deeply. My dad has a degerative C something he had surgery on from years of military service. My mom just had the same surgery from leaning over her computer desk all day.
I hit 34 and started getting regular massages. I might get one today all this talk about sleeping on a floor! Smh
I will be in a hotel or I will be at home. But I won’t be in my feelings and I will get the good night’s sleep critical to my functional lifespan
NTA. But take her up on it. If she says not to bother coming, don’t go. When she’s upset that you aren’t there, tell her that she told you she didn’t want you there if you slept at a hotel.
My guess is that next year, she will tolerate the hotel to have you for Christmas. Don’t give in to her guilting you this year. Let her face the consequences of her own actions
NTA No one should have to sleep on a floor for five days. Take Mary up on doing something else for Christmas.
Absolutely NTA. Mary is being very unrealistic about her sleeping arrangements being satisfactory for three couples and herself, especially considering she has slept in her car when visiting you. Perhaps you should tell her you’re sleeping in her driveway and then go stay at the hotel down the road.
NTA…Mary sounds emotionally abusive, manipulative to the hilt. Do not give in on this.
Your partner needs to say that “mom, I get you that you want everyone here, but we’re all grown ass adults and we all need proper beds. The only way we can figure out how to have a proper bed for everyone is to have some people in a hotel. If you have another solution, then let me know. But we or my siblings are not gonna sleep on the couch or the floor for five days. You need to start thinking about this cause or other alternative is we stay home in the future.”
Also, you are a grown ass adults and you don’t have to get her to agree with you . She will not physically restrain you and not let you leave to go to the hotel.
Announce to everyone “ everybody as you know, there’s not enough beds for everyone so my husband and I will be staying at a hotel. “
If you get any flack, then she just says “ nevertheless will be at the Holiday Inn and we’ll see you at 6 PM”
NTA and why do families INSIST on forcing uncomfortable sleeping arrangements and then get mad when you come up with a good solution that benefits everyone? Judas Priest.
NTA…Five nights on the floor when you can afford a hotel room is ridiculous. Unfortunately, if your partner is willing to enable her mother’s behaviour, you may have to be willing to let her go alone.
“Mom, you don’t have enough beds to accommodate the number of people you have staying over. That’s simply a fact. OP and I are perfectly happy with helping you out with the dilemma by staying at a hotel rather than you literally purchasing new beds (which you don’t really have space for and don’t need on the other 360 days a year) or having to disinvite people. So it was extremely painful when you decided to lash out at us for a perfectly reasonable solution. At this point, I need you to get on board with us staying at a hotel unless you are literally going to change the people-to-bed ratio at your house. Or else I will be forced to take you at your word that you would prefer us not to come at all so I will consider myself disinvited and make alternate plans.”
NTA. It is absolutely ridiculous of Mary to throw a fit because visitors want to sleep comfortably.
Unfortunately, your partner is the one who has to establish the boundary with her mother… All you can really do is give her the parameters of which options will and will not work for you (like are you willing to stay at the hotel yourself if she really feels like she has at least *try* to stay on the camping mattress? Or at that point, would you rather let her visit her mother by herself and you will figure out some alternate holiday plans for you?) and then let her decide how to handle it
That message, but in a group chat with everyone else on the guest list.
NTA. I’ve never understood why people get upset when a guest wants to stay in a hotel. Does she have some big surprise planned for 2am? It really is better for everyone when guests can visit during the day and sleep somewhere else at night. Stress levels tend to rise when people who don’t live together are suddenly put together 24/7.
NTA, and yikes
Sleeping on the floor for FIVE nights when there are other reasonable options is not something that adults should do to “keep the peace”. This is, respectfully, a nutty attempt to mollify an overbearing parent who simply does not have the space to comfortably host seven people. Seems as though the family plan is “Do whatever is necessary so as not to upset mom”, which is always a bad idea. You and your partner should read the Don’t Rock the Boat essay. It will be eye-opening for you both.
Partner needs to appreciate that you are not buying into her dysfunctional family dynamic because “That’s what we we’ve always done”. Don’t perpetuate the craziness by capitulating. Mary’s dictatorial ways are her own; you don’t need to fall in line. Instead, you can be the little boy who’s pointing out that the Emperor Has No Clothes.
Tell partner that you will be staying at the hotel. (I might tell her that I’m only willing to visit for four nights, but you make the call that’s right for you). If that’s not good enough for her, then she can go alone.
Don’t be surprised if partner shows up on the second night…
NTA. She does not have the space for everyone. End of story, I would not sleep on an air mattress either. That sounds hellish. And what about bathrooms etc? A hotel sounds like a great idea. If she does not like it I’d cancel the whole visit. Why does it matter to much to her where you sleep? Why does she not want you to be comfortable? That’s so weird.