To sum up the back story.. my 37M fiance 37F has a family member who has a very sharp tongue a and a severe inability to think before she speake or in our latest drama, writes.
Our living arrangement is tough as her mom cannot live alone do we live in her house and look after her. Along side our 4 y.o.
Recently MIL has been creating scenarios where we are painted out as bad guys for trying to change her way of thinking and doing certain daily tasks to make her safer when we aren’t there.
Family member has decided to write an extremely scathing letter and accusing us of bullying etc. Upsetting my fiance to tears with no real idea of the difficulties we as a couple are facing with an ageing parent who is physically and mentally deteriorating.
I get pretty hot headed but this is not the first time she’s pulled this sort of stunt and I’ve categorically said she’s not invited. And we are distancing ourselves and daughter from her. It’s MIL home and if she want to keep.seeing her that is fine but we won’t be around.
Now we have struck her off the list and added replacements in her spot it’s time to order the printed invites. Now my fiance has admitted she never wanted her out the wedding and was going along with me because I was so upset. I feel like the AH but also she was warned about upsetting people ate my fiancé’s brothers wedding. My MIL has gossiped and told everyone the drama and that she’s not coming. Shes got a track record for being horrible. And they say don’t invite anyone who will give you anxiety. I feel it’s right to exclude her and forever to realise there are consequences to very hurtful actions. My fiance is more of a peace maker and doesn’t want to leave her out.
I’m not sure we will agree and it worries me.
FYI weddings this summer.
You and fiance HAVE to come to some agreement on this. It should not be a unilateral decision as it is the wedding of both of you and you both should be happy with the event and attendees. If need be, enlist a trusted advisor or counselor / therapist to help you walk through this.
NTA for having your feelings but please do not dictate to your fiance.
Yes that’s why I feel the AH as I have basically decided before considering any other opinion. What I will add is this family member has a track record of this behaviour and we have had crossed words before. I won’t tolerate her but my fiance and MIL have done for decades and it’s almost an accepted part of a relationship with her. I can’t get on board with it and this one has sort of tipped me over the edge.
NAH, but you have to come to an agreement with your fiancee. What MIL thinks doesn’t really matter—as you said, she doesn’t have to cut off this family member.
Bring this disagreement to a couples counselor or pastor, and figure it out before you send out invitations.
Another option is to try to sit down with that family member and explain the physical and mental difficulties that MIL is having, and what you have to do to take care of her, in order to try to repair the situation.
Friend, you’re between a rock and a hard place.
This person has made it very clear that they are toxic. You, understandably, want no part of the drama. However, both your fiancée and her mother have been going along to get along, and the thought of rocking the boat is frightening for them. They would rather keep rug-sweeping and hope that somebody waves a magic wand and makes the problem go away.
You and your fiancée MUST come to an agreement in this, one that BOTH of you agree to. There is a chance that this is something that neither of you is willing to compromise on — your fiancée because it’s easier for her, and you because you know that caving to this family member sets a very bad precedent.
Will this person have a presence in your daily life? Is this simply the beginning of a terrible, no-good, very bad set of circumstances that will destroy your peace? You have a lot of thinking to do. Is this the hill where you’re willing to fall on your sword?
Good luck, OP. Your shoes can’t possibly be comfortable right now.
As others have said, find a third party to work through this.
Also, if you invite her, ask/beg/bribe someone else to be her keeper and remove her if she is acting up. That should not be your wedding day project.