I (21F) was in a talking stage with a guy in my friend group at uni.
Since our uni group of friends is HUGE (I am talking over 30 people) it was not uncommon for people inside our group to be dating each other.
But I didn’t anticipate how toxic and manipulative this guy would be.
I spent 1 month that was all sunshine and rainbows.
And another month of pure insanity, he made me question my relationship with everyone around me making me convinced every guy around me saw me as easy just cause I had a few friends.
Gaslighting me whenever I stood up for myself making me think I was crazy and unfaithful.
I tried to end it multiple times but he would threaten to hurt himself and he would cry and it would just break my heart.
I ended up isolating myself from everyone around( which was probably his plan all along) and I developed severe anxiety, but I finally had the courage to end it after 2 months and he didn’t take it well at all.
He told me I was a player and that I would regret what I did to him, he would text me 30 messages and hour begging me to come back and then snap back to cursing me. It reached a point where I was afraid he’d harm me.
I finally opened up to my closest female friends to what really happened (5 close friends)
They obviously changed the way they interacted around him and when he noticed this he went to everyone around him and cried saying I broke his heart and now I am turning everyone on him.
My closest friends felt bad for him and thought that he was just hurt and lost.
Now they say he is changing and becoming a better man and that I should just forgive him so we can all move on.
The fact that they never see this angry, volatile and dangerous side of him makes it easier for them to separate between the person they see face to face and the person he truly is behind closed doors.
They only hear about his angry and heated outbursts from either me or his closer friends (who make his outbursts seem like a funny story), so it’s easier for them to write it off as "someone who was in love and made a few mistakes"
But for me it’s not about forgiveness, it’s the fact that asking a victim to sympathize with her abuser and "see him as a human who makes mistakes" is triggering and makes me feel alone and unseen.
I was very upfront and direct with them, if you truly care about me and believe me, you should put some distance between you and him so I can feel safe.
AITA for asking that of them ?
Am I controlling, too sensitive or asking to much?
NTA, I wouldn’t be comfortable or feel safe around friends who hung around someone who abused me. It might be in your best interest to find a new friend ground if this one is gonna be like that, or try to explain it again.
NTA. You have zero obligation to forgive him. Unfortunately men like this have been getting away with shit for centuries and you can’t force your friends to be loyal.
NTA . What you’ve said is exactly what anyone who believes you should do . Not force you to minimize the trauma .
My heart goes out to you. It’s so hard… you need to think of your safety first. If you have proof of his toxic behaviour and your friends doubt it, just share it with them. my first serious relation was with someone in my friend’s group and every time I wanted to break up he would cry. He was nice but we were just too young. Luckily he never threatened to hurt himself or was aggressive but people did side eye me for leaving him. I was just lucky this was back in college and we ended up moving and living in different cities.
NTA. He sounds as though he has narcissistic behavior patterns. Familiarize yourself with those, so you can recognize them and not be manipulated by them. Love-bombing; Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender (DARVO); charming a squad of people to carry on his manipulation/ control of others; there are more well-identified techniques. You cannot control his behavior, or the behavior or your/his current/ex friends. They will do as they see fit. YOU cultivate a healthy indifference toward your ex. (Grey rock-ing) You may need a therapist’s help. Use that. Your friends can respect your boundaries, ‘I won’t let you bring me messages from him, or talk about him’ … there are better boundaries, another excellent thing a therapist can help with. Narcissists are very damaging. You deserve support in reinforcing what really happened, and making sure it doesn’t happen again. Good luck. Reddit has several useful communities about narcissism.
Tell them all about what happened and him as much as you want.
If they don’t step back from him it is for you to decide to ignore it or walk away from them.
What he did wasn’t good at all but you are here to ask if asking them to stop makes you the a/h….
Simply asking them not to doesn’t but insisting on it or repeatedly asking/telling them isn’t something you have any real say in.
Of course he’s a rocket but you can’t pick other people’s friends as much as you want to and that’s why I’m saying YWBTA if you keep trying to do so
I mean, show them the receipts. I hope you kept the texts etc. They should know how he really is. NTA
NTA but you need to set up your expectations and boundaries, and then take appropriate responses to that. I don’t mean any of this to belittle you, but am unsure how to best word it. Good friends would believe and support you by limiting interactions to a degree. Either dropping him or eliminating time where you’d be around them and him. But if they don’t do that, it is now on YOU to enforce boundaries and not attend functions/hangouts/etc knowing he’ll be there. If their attitude towards him still being a friend triggers YOU, then YOU need to take actions to protect your mental health by finding new friends.
In your post you mention being forthcoming about him to your friends and that you expect them to distance. This is fair! But when they don’t, it’s on you to enforce a boundary by taking actions. You’re 21. Some of your friend group is going to have the response you hope for. Get closer to them. Some aren’t. Begin moving away and not investing as much emotionally into them. His friends are going to pick him, especially if they sympathize and believe his narrative. That’s life and it sucks. I had a friend in college who coerced a girl for sex. When she came forward, I dropped him. Other friends didn’t as he told them a story that made it ambiguous. So I stopped talking with that group. It’s on you to determine if the response your friends are making is over a line for you. From the mental health issues you, it seems it is.
Now, I do want to emphasize that it is going to feel “unfair” that he gets to do what he did to you and keep your friend group. As someone who also moved on from an abusive ex around the same age in college and “lost” a friend group, it is a blessing. I had one friend from there who believed me enough to drop that group. We both have a main friend group we share now and they’re amazing people. The ones who abandon you to not have to deal with the discomfort of cutting a bad person from a group are not the type of people you want to rely on as friends when you age. It’s probably going to suck and doesn’t help you already have anxiety etc. but you will come out the other side better off. Wish you the best and hope you both find the right people from you either from this group or via new friends, and I hope this situation doesn’t cause lasting harm when looking towards the future with new potential partners. DM’s open if you need to chat or ask anything about the above
NTA
Here’s a column from Captain Awkward that might speak to you
https://captainawkward.com/2014/11/10/643-the-stinking-pile-of-wordpoop-that-is-im-not-going-to-choose-a-side/
NTA but here’s the thing. You cannot control other people’s behavior. You can only control how YOU react to it. You can’t request “I need you guys to not spend time with this person” without being controlling no matter what the reason is.
What you can and should do is maintain your own sense of boundaries. If they bring him up in conversation, you can tell them you’re not engaging in that conversation and exit. If a friend continues to hang out with him, and condones his behavior, lessen your contact with that friend. If you want to have a conversation with that friend in an attempt to save the friendship, frame it as Person X makes me feel unsafe, and because you dont have a problem with their behavior you ALSO make me feel unsafe and it makes me not want to be around you.
Right now your friend group is huge but in 5 years you won’t be in contact with the majority of them, and in 10 years I’d be surprised if you remained in consistent contact with any of them just because we grow and change constantly as people. Make sure you arent making yourself feel small for someone who may be transitory in your life.
NTA for having feelings and expressing them to your friends. NTA for having boundaries about this Ex, i.e., I don’t want to hear anything about him, I don’t want to be invited where he will be and I don’t want my name in your mouth when you speak to him. However, YTA for trying to dictate IF they can be friends with the ex. That is controlling. And if you can’t be friends with someone who speaks to the ex, that is too sensitive. Put some distance between you and this group for a while and give yourself some time to recover from this.
NTA. I’m sorry you’re going through this. If you haven’t already do share the text messages with your friends since they are tangible proof of what happened.
While it’s reasonable to ask your friends to step back from your abuser, there’s not much more that you can do. Basically, you’ve got two choices 1.) remaining in a social group with this abusive guy 2.) or being alone for a while. I’ve gone with option 2 in the past, but it’s a sucky choice. People will choose him because he’s not making them choose, which is faulty logic since his safety is not on the line.
Honestly you need better friends. I am all for being friends with the exes but the moment they became abusive? Fuck ’em. Why on earth would one be friends with someone who intentionally hurt someone close to them?
Do you have screenshots? I’d show them some and the call logs