AITA – my dad and I are very close. parents had a messy divorce (included abuse) at young age. My dad got full custody and it was just us two for years.
My stepmom entered 10 years ago. had a good relationship until my dad proposed but he was happy & by this time I was in college only home for the summers &holidays.
she is from another country & wants to go home to visit family a lot – understandable. Years ago, she started to make comments about how she really wanted my dad to be with her family for Christmas .. I always spoke up and reminded her how important holidays are and that i would be completely alone. We don’t have any other family in the area to spend with either. .
Well, on a few occasions, she booked my dad to go to her fam for weeks over the holidays leaving me alone. Noting that they are all just hanging out in a living room in a home – which is ok! But to just preface it isn’t this magical place he’s missing out on. ultimately, my dad has stayed. This happened a few times.
a few days ago she asked if I could watch our family dog for 9 days, no problem! then mentioned that its during Easter and they’ll be gone. I politely said that I felt that was very unfair.
Not only am I alone, I’m struggling since I ended an 8 yr relationship. I live alone in the apartment we lived in. he had an adderall/drinking issue it is really hard
She said “I’ve known him since he was a little kid. I have to go”
The wedding is for her nephew’s, best friend.. she’s barely seen in the last 20 years & my dad has met him maybe 4 times.
Some things to note:
\- my grandmother (dad’s mom) Who was my role model and glue of our family passed away 3 years ago. With her passing, our family – cousins uncles, etc has stopped getting together.
\- This isn’t the only 2 trips they have for the year. constantly traveling. they also just got back from Greenland a few months ago.
\- I turn 30 the following month. I asked if they would want to meet me somewhere.. they’re going to another country for 11 days to meet family for her brother’s 60th and sit on the beach. all other family members are only going for 4-6 days… (staggering though)
\- When I politely brought up my 30th her response was “no one ever does anything for my birthday” – i spoke up and said “i have text messages and call logs probably going back 3 years. I get you a card and gift and ask if you want to go out to dinner but you are traveling” she did say I was correct.
\- My dad has Parkinson’s & I have no idea how many more holidays I have with him..
So am I a jerk for asking my dad to stay for Easter to spend together instead of him leaving me.. again.. to go to a wedding in England for my step mom’s, nephews, childhood best friend?
I haven’t even talked with him about options for my birthday. What would you do?
I’m going to go with a soft YTA, you’re an adult and your father and his wife‘s life should not revolve around you.
INFO: is easter a big holiday for you?
Yta. You are extremely selfish. You dad has every right to enjoy the years he has left and travel as much as possible. Why wouldn’t you want your father to live his life to the fullest. You are 30 years old make friends and start living your life.
YTA what the hell? How selfish can you be?
NAH. I get you want to spend time with your dad for many reasons. And his wife of over a decade would like to spend time with him as well. In the end, it’s his choice. You’ve expressed what you want. He gets to make the choice – it’s not on her. He has options – he stays behind, invites you to go with …
In any case, I hope you recover from your breakup and enjoy your big milestone birthday with everyone that shows up – friends, family …
Gently Yta
Yes holidays can be difficult and triggering.
Wanting to be with your dad is okay. But it’s not unfair that he isn’t there.
Sadly ‘sharing’ loved ones is a normal part of life.
Yes you can ask but be prepared for a no and likely hostility.
Long distance family weddings are still important to many ppl, having your partner with you is also important.
You’re going through a lot and dealing with loss but your dad doesn’t owe you holidays, no matter how close you are.
If you can’t even have dinners together, that speaks to larger issues that you are having to cope with.
Is it possible for you to get in touch with any of your extended family to initiate or join get togethers.
You are a grown adult, act like one and let your dad live his best life. Especially since he has a degenerative disease, it is not about you!
Sorry but YTA.
You’re an adult and it’s unfair to put this pressure on your dad, he has a life too and deserves to be able to live it guilt free
My mother died a year and a half ago. I loved her dearly, but if my dad found someone new, I’d support him ***completely***. Despite the fact that his health is failing, I ***still*** want him to enjoy every second he has left. If he wanted to travel, I’d either smile and tell him to have a great time, or ask if I could go with them.
Even if he wanted to travel on *our shared birthdate* (I was born on his birthday the exact same time as he was), I’d still let him go or ask if they minded if I went along. If they said alone, I’d respect it and tell them to have a great time but make sure to call.
You seem to have a slight case of “Main character syndrome” by wanting your father and his wife to stay with you. More so just your father, especially going by your title alone, but you *don’t seem to care* if she’s there and sound like you don’t want her there in general. Which is weird since you keep saying you like her well enough. You say you don’t want it all the time, but it seems like no matter when they take the trips you *still* have an issue with it. You are a grown ass woman. You can survive your father living and enjoying whatever life he has left. *Even if* he chooses to spend time away from you again and again.
To be frank, there will come a point when he won’t be able to travel and then you can spend as much time together as he is willing. *That* is the time you want. Not the time when he still has use of everything and is able to enjoy things he won’t be able to later, like travelling to see a part of his family and get to know them better. Though apparently, you seem to have the impression that his wife’s family does *not* include him. He married into the family and they are just as much family to him as his wife is. They are a *unit*.
You’ve replied to others stating that you have friends, but again, you’re more focused on thinking he needs to spend most of his time with *only* you, and not his other family members. Seriously, go out and make some actual friends your age, visit support groups (for whatever reason, there’s one out there for every issue or statement), meet people in chat rooms, or just go out occasionally!
*And most importantly, see a therapist*. You seem to have some severe abandonment issues that need to be addressed.
I have to say it’s a *very soft* YTA.
YTA here. You’re nearly 30 years old, it’s time you cut the apron strings and start acting like it. Your father has done his job and raised you, his child, and it’s time you let him live his own life for the time he has left. If that means choosing to spend time travelling with his *wife*, his grown, nearly 30 year old daughter shouldn’t be standing in his way. You sound enmeshed and exhausting, and I think you could benefit from some therapy to help you learn to take control of your own life, learn to stand on your own, and be more independent.
YTA
Your dad raised you. Parents put their lives on hold for decades to be there for their children. You are now in your thirties, entering the stage of your life where you have to learn to stand on your own, emotionally, financially, and otherwise.
If you do not have a social life that allows you to meet friends and spend holidays on your own, the solution isn’t to make this your parents’ responsibility but to find ways to deal with it. And, yes, it can be hard.
YTA , sorry OP. You’re nearly 30. I’m sorry you’re going through a breakup but that doesn’t mean should miss a family wedding. You’re acting very childish.
YTA you are nearly 30 but acting like you are 17.
It’s perfectly normal at 30 to be celebrating your birthday around peoples availability instead of expecting them to reserve the date unless you are having a large celebration. It’s also very normal for parents and children to not spend every holiday together. You stepmom is entitled to expect her husband will spend some holidays with her and her family and you can either tag along or make other plans – you aren’t a minor, you don’t automatically get priority.
This post screams that you need to expand your social circle so that your dad not being available isn’t such a big deal.
YTA. You forced your dad to be apart from his wife at Christmas because you were all alone but you were actually in a long term relationship? And you had your grandma until 3 years ago? Really?
You are incredibly selfish. Do you really not have any friends etc? You really need to grow up.