My ex-husband and I are divorced and both have new partners. Our daughter is 19 and lives with him. She has been spending time with his partner for almost a year, and they planned a trip together. My ex-husband is not involved.
I know our daughter is an adult and that there are no safety concerns. Rationally, I understand that. Emotionally, though, I’m really struggling with the idea of my daughter traveling with my ex’s partner. It brings up a lot of pain and feelings I don’t feel proud of.
I have already talked to my daughter and told her honestly that the situation hurts me, but that I accept that she wants to go on the trip. I didn’t ask her to cancel it, because I didn’t want to put her in the position of having to choose between her own plans and my feelings.
Even so, I asked my ex-husband to cancel the trip. I realize that puts him in a difficult position, especially since he isn’t part of the trip, and that canceling it would likely hurt our daughter. He has said this isn’t his decision to make, and I can see why.
I’m torn between trying to manage my own emotions and not wanting to cause harm to my daughter or cross boundaries with my ex. I don’t know if asking him to cancel the trip was unfair or if it was reasonable to ask for help when I’m struggling.
AITA for asking my ex-husband to cancel the trip instead of handling my feelings differently?
INFO:
– Our daughter is 18 and legally an adult.
– There are no safety concerns related to the trip.
– My ex-husband’s partner would only join for part of the trip.
– I spoke to my daughter about my feelings and told her I accept her decision to go.
Yes. YTA. You’re being very selfish
Unfortunately yes you ATA. Please seek therapy. This is so unfair to your daughter.
YTA. This is a discussion for your therapist not your ex partner or daughter. I know it must be painful, but you should not be burdening your daughter with your mental health battles like this.
YTA for asking your ex to be the bad guy and stop this trip that the other two want to go on.
Work on your emotions not on trying to put wedges between either you and your daughter or your ex and your daughter.
That’s just not fair on the 3 of them
YTA. you told your kid you were ok with it, then asked your ex to cancel to make you feel better? Can I ask why you two divorced?
Yes YTA. You’re acting very immaturely. It’s really unfair and kinda sad that you can’t just let your daughter enjoy a trip.
YTA. You are incredibly selfish and need therapy to figure your issues out. You should not be putting your issues on someone else.
Telling her you accept if she goes, and then asking your ex husband to cancel his trip and thereby making him the scapegoat is honestly horrible.
You’re willing to not only go behind your daughter’s back but also potentially damaging her relationship with her father, rather than to own up to your own feelings and taking the fallout.
You’re the TA in this instance, and I suggest getting some therapy to deal with your jealousy towards your ex’s partner because of your daughter find out you said one thing to her then went behind her back and asked her father to cancel the trip, she might not forgive you.
You already know it 😳 yta. Go talk to your counselor and let it go.
YTA. There is no reason whatsoever to cancel that trip, and if you’re upset that your daughter is spending time with someone other than you, I can’t imagine a better way to guarantee that she spends even less time with you in the future.
YTA and you know it. You are basically jealous of your daughter’s relationship with your ex and your exs partner. You need to get better – perhaps counccilling.
>– I spoke to my daughter about my feelings and told her I accept her decision to go.
If you accepted your daughter’s decision to go then you wouldn’t even be considering asking your ex-husband to cancel the trip.
Your daughter is an adult and can go on a trip with whoever she likes so your ex-husband is absolutely correct that it isn’t his decision to make.
So yes, based on what you’ve said YTA.
YTA, you should have never even discussed this with your daughter or ex-partner. It comes across as extremely selfish and manipulative, this is an issue for you to manage. Please seek support and therapy.
So you didn’t ask your daughter to cancel, but you’ve told her how upset you were about it? Yeah that’s manipulation and guilt-tripping. Be honest: you want her to say “oh mummy I’m so sorry, your feelings come first, I’ll cancel the trip”.
My mother used to do that to me all the time. I no longer talk to her.