I (20 M) live with my girlfriend (22 F) in our apartment. I work a white collar job, 40 hours standard shit but still sometimes a little painful. She works at a restaurant part time as a hostess because she is in online college (she’s currently taking 2 classes). For reference, her work days are usually 4 hours and she works at most 4 times a week(Mostly 2-3). She also usually sleeps until 10 or 11 am because she goes to bed at midnight damn near every night. I am more of a traditional man but I don’t stuff it down her throat. I won’t put all the cooking and cleaning on her. I’m a grown man I can do that too. But when it comes down to it, I pay majority of the bills (70/30 split) and I also work more. Yet I also do most of the cooking.
When I say most, I mean MOST. She’ll maybe cook once every few weeks if that. She don’t wake up early enough to make me breakfast which is fine, but some dinner when I come home from work sometimes would be nice. I’m not even asking for it to be an everyday thing because personally, I love to cook. But I’m asking for it to be done more often. At least like 2x a week. I understand she has school which is why I don’t want to overdo it. Her reasoning is usually, she doesn’t know how to cook that well. Which she doesn’t, but she knows how to make some make basic actual dishes really well. She’s better than she thinks. Still not where I would prefer her to be at though if I’m being honest.
Her second reason is usually that she’s tired from work or college. I’m sorry to anyone out there in school but how can 2 classes be that draining (she majors in medical coding btw) to where you can’t make me dinner sometimes? It’s not like she’s sleeping either she’s just chilling. And she work 4 hours a day. That’s nothing imo especially for an adult Although tbh I’d like to get to the point where she doesn’t have to work at all. She also says she has low iron and energy. But that’s just a result of how she eats.
Her final reason is usually because we “don’t have ingredients”. We do, just not for the TikTok meals she wants to make lol. Again I feel like she thinks I’m asking for something extravagant. I deadass just want something edible. I mean one time I literally let her make our whole shopping list and she only cooked once that after that entire shopping trip. (Although we did have leftovers for a bit it was a big meal)
All in all, I just want a bit more contribution on that end. I don’t feel like I’m demanding too much. Whenever I bring it up she says she’ll change but she’s just tired. I did tell her I feel like she’s overestimating her workload. I don’t feel like it’s fair to ask her to do all the cooking since I as a man haven’t made it to where she can stop working yet, but I do think it’s fair to want more contribution than wha she’s currently giving despite whatever she has going on. So, AITA?
Edit: After reading some of the replies, let me clarify, I don’t think my girlfriend is lazy as she does very well in school. Also, this has never caused a major argument, just been a thing we bring up every now and then. I just wanted to know if I’m tripping. Like I said I enjoy cooking for her. Also in terms of cleaning and everything, I’d say that’s pretty evenly split maybe 55/45 going her way because she does vacuum more.
I mean NTA for the ultimate request. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting a more equal give and take considering you’re working full time and she also has her own ventures. Anytime workload is compared I get a bit iffy, I never love the “how hard can the other person have it really?” argument, but at the end of the day your general argument is fair. If you have the time to do it, she probably does too.
NTA….
1: “I’m not good at it” Weaponized incompetence. There’s YouTube tutorials and cookbooks. Practice.
2: “Im tired” So am I. We still gotta eat.
3: “We don’t have ingredients” You know where the grocery store is, right? Hell Wally World has delivery now.
These are just excuses because she doesn’t want to do it
ESH.
She needs to grow up and learn how to cook and plan meals in advance. Maybe it’s something that you two can do together/you could mentor her in, since it sounds like you’ve got this pretty well ironed out.
However, you kinda suck for this:
\>She also says she has low iron and energy. But that’s just a result of how she eats.
Anemia sucks the life and energy right out of you. It’s not something that can be fixed with the snap of the fingers and a big plate of leafy greens.
The bottom line is that you two need to talk and figure out how many nights per week she feels she can confidently prepare meals (1-2 seems fair, even for a college student with anemia depending on severity) and then \*plan ahead\* to make a grocery list.
I can’t even get through the post
Sounds like you don’t really like your girlfriend that much if you consider everything she’s been telling you a lie or excuse and are basically calling her lazy to a bunch of Reddit strangers.
YTA. You two should just cook your own meals. If you want her to contribute more to the payment so it feels more like she’s contributing equally to the household, that’s fair, but if she’s already said she doesn’t want to cook more, then you can’t force her to. Just cook and clean for yourselves to solve this issue.
OK, so there are many household chores, cooking is just one. Who does all of the cleaning in the house? Who washes the dishes? Who cleans the floors? Who tidies up the house? If you say you also help with those chores then yes she should help with the cooking. But if you expect her to do all of the cleaning and to help do the cooking, I think that would be an imbalance.
You present your financial power as a reason she should serve you and share that your goal is for her to make that her life’s work.
YTA. Go find someone who doesn’t want a partner, but a boss.
She works 12 hours a week, takes two classes and sleeps 10-11 hours a day. Is cooking really the issue?
If you think she’s lazy and want a traditional girlfriend, or one that’s awake, she’s not for you. NTA
This shouldn’t be something that’s become a problem for you at your age. Why are you living with someone when you could be on your own, independent and developing your own lifestyle that suits you. Look at you…barely out of your teens and grappling with married folks issues. Set your gf free and date her while you both live independently. If the relationship works and grows, and you think you’ll be compatible then commit. If not, move on to a more compatible partner. Right now you’re unnecessarily boxing yourself into domestic drudgery…with tension.
I cannot even imagine being in a relationship where my partner keeps score.
I don’t cook the most but I do clean, do the laundry, do the grocery shopping, etc.
You paying the majority bills doesn’t mean shit, traditional man.
INFO: what is the breakdown of other household chores. Be detailed. Also what is her class schedule and work load from it as added onto her job?
YTA for the she’s a decent cook but not where I want her to be comment. Wow
NTA
But yall really be expecting to come home to home cook meals every day. I meal prep for the week and call it day.
Anyways sounds like yall ain’t compatible. Tbh mentioning her sleeping habits is irrelevant to the issue at hand. She could go to bed at 8pm and still be tired to cook you something.
Either switch up the chores, you cook more, she cleans more. Talk to her about it, talk not demand. Or face the facts that yall may not be meant to last.
You can’t just look at cooking in isolation. Who washes up? Who cleans the kitchen? Who cleans the bathrooms, floors, clothes, tidies, makes the bed, etc?
If you want to switch responsibility for household tasks, offer a trade. She cooks dinner two nights a week, you fold and iron an extra basket of clothes on those days. Or whatever.
Not enough into to judge.
Your expecting the wife package on a girlfriend salary. Doesn’t matter that you’re “playing house” and living together. You are perfectly capable of making yourselves your own meals.
You aren’t family, stop expecting her to treat you as though you are, without the long term commitment.
YTA.