For the past seven years, my mom (46) has helped watch my (28) daughter (8). We coordinated schedules but anytime there was a conflict she would say I’m not gonna watch her anymore but always did until last year,
Last year, she divorced my dad (48) and moved in with me. Two weeks after the divorce was finalized, she had moved out of my house and married her now husband (36) and said she would no longer watch my daughter.
I tried to hire three different babysitters. But they were unreliable. Once I couldn’t find any childcare and I ended up having to take my daughter to work with me. I explained to my mom my lack of childcare was threatening my employment. She told me to get a 9 to 5 job and leave my daughter home alone.
Against my better judgment, I decided to leave my daughter at home for what was supposed to be 8 hours but end up being 12. My daughter’s mental health deteriorated quickly. I told my mom I didn’t feel comfortable with this and she agreed.
I returned to my old job, but they only had PRN shifts. Initially I worked at night and my dad watched my daughter. After two months night shift were no longer available. I asked my mother if she would help during the day and she agreed to watch her for four days the next month.
My mom wanted to keep my daughter overnight, I told her she would need to ask my sister who was watching her the next day. My mom began calling me, rude, disrespectful and ungrateful, and a poor communicator. I apologized, but explained I’m under constant pressure: if I work, people are angry they have to help, if I don’t work, I can’t pay bills. She told me I chose my baby daddy. She knows this isn’t true. He lied about his marital status, citizenship and left the country when I was six months pregnant.
A few weeks later, I asked if she would be able to watch my daughter the next month since only dayshift were available. She screaming at me, saying I was ungrateful and made her feel like she couldn’t work. I told her she could work whatever shifts she wanted I was just asking her availability. She continued screaming, my daughter overheard all this.
Two days before Christmas, my mother came over while I was busy trying to get childcare. Because I wasn’t helping decorate, she called my sister and said that I’ve ruined Christmas and that she wouldn’t be attending.
On Christmas Eve everybody came my mom included.
Months ago, I told my family not to come on Christmas Day as I didn’t have money to get them gifts. My mom came anyway. Quietly, thinking out loud I asked myself. “am I a good person?” Before I could answer myself my mom said no You think the world revolves around you, you are selfish and I can’t believe that I raise someone like you. My daughter overheard this too.
I’m asking for an outside perspective. I understand that she may feel resentful, but it’s not appropriate for her to call me names, especially in front of my daughter. I’m just not sure anymore.
NTA for asking, but nobody is obliged to give you free childcare, even family. You need to find a job that coincides with school hours, then you only need wraparound care.
Plus, if she’s as unhinged as you portray her, is she really someone you want to have caring for your child?
> She told me I chose my baby daddy. She knows this isn’t true. He lied about his marital status, citizenship and left the country when I was six months pregnant.
No, thats you choosing a liar, you still choose that.
> I tried to hire three different babysitters. But they were unreliable.
So is your mom, and yet you keep trying her again. Try different sitters.
Your mom is someone who you can’t count around your kid. She’s rude to you, doesn’t listen, doesn’t even sound like she likes you.
Either accept the nature of this relationship or look to change it, don’t whine about childcare.
ESH.
Not a paragraph in sight.
Sorry but YTA
First, you DON’T leave an 8 year old home alone beyond like 20 minutes. 12 hours! That’s horrible, and negligent. Wow. And I believe your mom when she says you’re unreliatble…you ‘thought’ your shift was 8 hours but it was 12? How did you not know that?
It’s not up to anyone else to help run your life. Your mom is right, you picked your child’s father, you chose your career, or lack of, you did not fully prepare for how you would work and provide childcare for your daughter.
If you had no mother, or no family close by, you would need to do this on your own. not to say that people can’t use a helping hand, but you are relying on somone to be a random-hours, random-shifts babysitter for your random, ever changing job. That’s not fair.
I know it sucks and it’s hard but you need to build some networks. Presumably your child goes to school…work with some other parents to swap before/after care, etc. There are likely others in your situation, hard to afford care but swapping time can help.
Back off, find other solutions, AND/OR, be very specific with your mom ‘mom, I’ve found care for xyz days, all I need you for are two Mondays this month, could that work?’ If you show you’re looking after yourself, she may be more willing to help.
I would say at 8 you could go run close by errands for a couple hours, but even I think 8-12 hours is nuts, and I was a latchkey kid!
Seriously, get it together. Your daughter has, from the sound of it, carried the brunt of your very bad decisions and you’re blaming your mother. This is horrendous.
Poor kid. This all sounds awful.
Speaking as someone who was a single parent following divorce, it’s on you. Your choices have consequences and it’s no one’s responsibility to bail you out. Even if you picked poorly, it still takes two. If you do have family who can help, it’s a blessing. If you don’t , you just figure it out day by day. It’s time to stop blaming everyone else and figure out your options.
Look into local services that might be able to help. Consider day care centers. Maybe a co-op with another single friend.
ESH – No owes you free child care, including family.
I’m going to play devil’s advocate here for a bit. So your mom works full-time? And you are asking her to watch your child full-time while you work too (alternating shifts)? That’s 80 hours a week on your mom. That’s an awfully lot to ask of anyone.
Your mom does seem a little unhinged. But I wonder if it’s the stress of working herself and watching your kid.
So you were leaving a child alone that was under 13 and you have to ask if you were the asshole ?
Leaving an 8 year old alone for 12 hours is child abandonment and a crime. YTA and your mother is a major arsehole.
You tried two sitters, you need to try 20 more until you get it right. You should start looking for a day shift. Your daughter can be in school and then after school care, which should be cheaper than a private sitter. You need to let it go, your mom is not helping you. You are a mom now and you have a responsibility to your daughter. I don’t care about your baby daddy or any of that. You need to realizes no one is coming to save you.