I’m struggling to tell whether I crossed a line here or if I’m just being made to feel guilty.
My mum has always been rude and hostile toward me, but it got much worse once I started forming my own opinions and setting boundaries. She treats me very differently from my older brothers and holds me to much stricter standards than she ever did with them.
For context: I’m currently living on government assistance due to burnout and depression. I can’t afford to move out. My family has always been poor, and I still am. We agreed to live together like a shared apartment in the house my father rents and where we all grew up. I contribute financially as much as I can, even though it’s limited.
My older brother, who is also an adult, still lives with us as well. He is not expected to move out and is not held to the same standards.
Another important detail: my father is 75 and has prostate cancer. I help take care of him, which is another reason I can’t just leave.
For clarity: I already contribute to household chores and caregiving. The issue is that I’m expected to do everything while my brothers are not expected to help at all.
Despite this, my mum expects me to clean the entire house daily. Her reasoning is that I’m a woman, and therefore it’s my job. My brothers are not expected to clean at all. One of my adult brothers doesn’t even clean his own room, my mum still does it for him. She justifies this by saying, “He works and brings home the money.”
In the past, I did what was expected of me without being asked. I cleaned the house regularly and tried to avoid conflict. But no matter what I did, my mum continued to treat me badly and yell at me for not meeting her expectations.
Eventually, I said enough. I told her I’m no longer willing to be the only one responsible for the whole house. I asked her calmly, I didn’t yell or threaten to stop helping entirely. I said that if someone needs something from me, they can talk to me respectfully, I don’t mind helping after all. I just don’t want to be yelled at or treated badly all the time. This wasn’t a sudden demand either, it came after years of trying to meet her expectations.
The rest of my family accepted this. My mum didn’t. She became furious.
Since then, she constantly looks for fights. When I confront her about her words or actions, she twists the situation to make herself look innocent. She repeatedly claims that I’m destroying the family and that I’m the reason their lives are so bad.
At one point, she even told me she regrets ever giving birth to me.
So now I’m questioning myself.
AITA for asking my mum to at least be polite toward me?
I have a whole bunch of links here that may be helpful for you, especially grey rock method
https://www.reddit.com/u/Deflated_Hypnotist/s/BOp4Y9uQVh
You’re not asking for the moon.
You are asking for the bare minimum of human decency: to be spoken to without hostility, yelling, or contempt.
That’s not entitlement. That’s the baseline expectation in literally any functional adult relationship, family or otherwise.
Oh, sweetie. So very much NTA for just asking your freaking mom to stop being a bully.
Your depression and burnout will improve massively once you get a job and move out and away from these toxic people.
NTA.
Your mother is abusive, and is never going to change (I speak from experience). I hope you will leave. Let one of your brothers take care of your father. You don’t deserve this @#$#.
NTA.
“At one point, she even told me she regrets ever giving birth to me.”
as someone who has heard this all my life, there truly is never a good enough reason for a parents to get to a point where they say this and think it’s okay.
truth prevails. one way or another, the right people will take notice of the work you do, and the validity of your concerns. i wish you the best of luck🩷
NTA. Do whatever you can to move out. I know it feels impossible, but you need to get out. Your mom will escalate until she realizes that escalating won’t force you to go back to the status quo. That can take years or decades. Start saving. Look into assistance programs. Find anything you can to start building your escape plan.
NTA but I doubt you’re going to recover from your depression & burnout whilst living in this environment
No you are not thar a-hole, she is.
What you need to do is just stay calm, and never take the bait. Always reply calmly, and firmly. She looks for a fight, act like you do not even care about her existence. You cannot get upset and start yelling too, or that is going to be a victory for her.
My mum is similar and after realizing she had no power over me and I learned to not care about her yelling, I’ve found it to be kind of funny. What will she scream about next and how silly is it?
Treat it like a child throwing a tantrum.
NTA
Btw if you are caregiving for your father you could look into getting compensated for it, most states have programs that pay people for providing care for disabled/sick/elderly family members
NTA! Your bother needs to contribute to work, just being a woman is not equal to “should be doing all household work”
NTA, your mom has so much internalised misogyny istg
NTA
No wonder you have burnout darling, look at how much you’re doing. You’re working the hours of a full timer, with much less payment.
No hun, you’re not a bad person for having opinions, boundaries, feelings, and a limited energy capacity. What’s happening is domestic misogyny. Your mother was probably raised with the “women do chores and caring” beliefs, and is now pushing them onto you. That doesn’t mean you have to accept it.
Your brothers need to pull their weight. Especially the one living at home who doesn’t clean his room. Many people who work live alone, and still clean their entire home themselves; the least he can do is keep his own damn space clean and tidy.
I’m sorry you’re experiencing this, and I hope you’re able to find a way out soon.
NTA, you’re very clearly the scapegoat of this toxic family dynamic.
I get that it’s hard to even think of leaving because of your dad’s current situation, so I am not going to say just up and leave, but when the inevitable happens, I’d probably leave immediately, because she’ll expect you to replace her when your responsibility to your father.
(I’m not saying you legitimately have the responsibility to be the carer, but you feel it, and I am not going to say you’re wrong to take care of him, even if that’s what your mother kinda promised in the vows, in sickness and in health and all that)
I sincerely wish you well and that you’re able to get through this, you don’t deserve to be treated this way, you never have deserved this, you are worth so much more than what you are treated like by your mom.
You’ll be okay eventually, it won’t be easy, but once you’re able to get out of that dynamic, you’ll be free and have peace of mind.
You are a daughter, not a burden, you should not have to bare the responsibilities outside of your own mess if you make it, it’s not your fault your parents did not raise your brothers the way they should.
You’re not a glorified slave just because you’re out of work and should not be treated as one.
You’re a human being deserving dignity, respect and love as a bare minimum.