I (almost 20) have a sister (late 20s) that I love very much. Shes been a huge comfort and support to me over the years, especially because our mom is abusive and being around her is difficult for me. For a long time my sister has been my safe space and she means the world to me because of it.
For some context, my sister spent a lot of her early adulthood rather isolated due to severe anxiety which I will not get into for her sake. In the past year or so she has become much more socially and romantically active thanks to working in a job that has her meet a lot of people in a fairly casual environment. I think this has helped her confidence in some ways, which is a great thing, but it’s also led to patterns that really worry me.
Lately, almost everything she talks about revolves around her romantic or sexual life. Normally, I wouldnt mind listening at all. But the issue is *how* these situations play out. She repeatedly gets involved with people who are unavailable or likely to hurt her emotionally. Shes monogamous but has pursued people in open relationships, developed strong feelings quickly, and been devastated when things ended. She also reconnected with past partners who are married or trying to reconcile with their spouses. These situations are very frequent.
She openly acknowledges that these choices hurt her, but continues to make them anyway. When I say how much these situations worry me, she often justifies it or brushes it off, sometimes saying that shes doing things "for the plot." Shes even woken me up from sleep late at night or early in the day to tell me about people she’s hooked up with.
My issue is that listening to repeated stories about the same choices she admits are harmful to herself is emotionally exhausting for me. Because of past trauma, not being taken seriously when i express concern is really hard for me.
About a year ago I tried setting a boundary that if she wasnt willing to reflect and change these patterns, I didnt want her detailed play by plays of them. Im not asking her to stop living her life, just to stop putting me in the position of being her main outlet for this specific issue. Ive recommended therapists or talking to her friends and have restated this boundary countless times. She hasnt really respected it and continues to bring these things up regularly.
As a result, I’ve started getting visibly frustrated when she talks about her love life, which i think has made her feel like Im annoyed with her as a person. We’ve argued about it before, and while i remember it clearly, she doesn’t seem to. Recently, she’s been asking me things like "Do you not like me anymore?" which really hurts because that isn’t true at all.
I love my sister and Im genuinely worried about her, but I also feel overwhelmed and resentful when this boundary keeps being ignored. I’m starting to wonder if I’m being unfair or cold, or if this is just normal behavior I should just accept and listen to. AITA?
NTA. You should expect to have these kinds of conversations with your sister from time to time. But not all the time and definitely not being woken up for them!
I’d suggest you practice managing conversations with her, listen for a bit and then use something she says to talk about yourself or to change the subject. If she keeps redirecting the conversation back to her love life, you keep redirecting the conversation away again.
Yes it feels silly to be doing this kind of conversational dance but in my experience it does help you tolerate it.
You ought to set boundaries for yourself. Your sister is the asshole if she disrespects your boundaries.
nTA. Your sister badly needs a therapist, so every time she starts to talk about an unhealthy relationship, tell her, “I don’t want to hear about you hurting yourself. Let’s talk about something else.” And stick to it ad nauseum.
NTA. Looks like your sister needs to learn how to respect other peoples’ boundaries. And also she needs to understand that it hurts you to see her in these kind of situations and that she needs to stop, she is an adult now, I mean as the older sister I try to avoid putting myself into these kind of situations because I don’t want to see my family worried.
NTA. Every time your sister starts talking about her love life, tell her you’re not comfortable with this discussion and she really should be talking to a therapist. Every. Single. Time.
Be consistent. You might also give her a list of counseling resources to drive your point home.
Sounds like your sister is only concerned with herself. She wrecks relationships, she is self destructive and doesn’t care about your feelings. Thats rough. Just shut the convos down completely. Say, “not this again, I just remembered I have to wash my hair” jokingly, then leave the convo. Grey rock her when she starts in. Don’t engage. None of her behavior is under your control as much as you hate what she’s doing you still love her. That’s a good thing.
I mean… she seems to be a homewrecker. She’s creating her own reputation of not being likeable. How can she expect you to respect her when she acts this way? Does she not realize what she is?
NTA.
After reading the story, and I hope I understood it correctly, I understand that your sister really uses you as an emotional handkerchief. It is not very good in large dosages, although sometimes you need to share your experience with a loved one to get support. However, it’s very selfish of her to do this all the time, especially if she can wake you up to discuss her bed matters. Set the boundaries more strictly, and, as already said, try to transfer the topic to yourself so that she understands what it looks like, as they say, use her weapons against herself. Waiting for updates
NTA