Hi everyone, I´ve never done this before, but something has been bothering me a lot these past few days. For context, I’m a 23F and my boyfriend is 28M. We had an argument last week and we haven’t really been talking properly since then.
Whats happening is: my boyfriend is a streamer and interacts a lot with his audience. That was always fine. But last week, one of his exes started commenting on his livestreams and he always responds to her. As if that wasnt enough, he started following her on Instagram (he says he follows everyone who interacts a lot in his lives). I was going to let it go because I’m not usually the jealous type.
My boyfriend uses a wheelchair and we spend all our time together because he needs special care, and I take care of him full-time. I work part-time from home, so I manage to take care of the house and him at the same time. The real problem starts here: while he was sleeping, I grabbed his phone to check the HBO password to watch a series I like and saw a notification from his ex on Instagram. I admit I couldn’t resist and clicked on it as soon as I saw it. I read their entire chat.
From the beginning, they were talking about their old relationship. I obviously didnt like that, but not satisfied, I decided to check his Instagram feed and came across several adult content creators. I looked further and saw that he follows many women in that niche. I was very surprised and upset because I didnt know he was into that kind of thing or that he watched that type of content. On top of that, they looked nothing like me.
Finally, I confronted him. He said it’s normal to follow different types of content creators since hes also a content creator. When I got really angry and mentioned the chat with his ex, he said it was just out of respect for what they had lived through together.
Am I overreacting, or is this something unforgivable? I really love him and I dont want to throw this relationship away. We’ve been together for three years and he’s already a big part of my life. I dont want to feel like Im ending the relationship over something that could be resolved. But every time I try to talk about it, he changes the subject or completely refuses to listen or try to understand me.
Am I the asshole in this situation?
You are not crazy, you are his full time caregiver while he entertains his ex and thirst follows other women, and the bigger problem is he won’t even take your feelings seriously.
Yep! I second this. I will point out that my personal feelings on age gaps is 5 years is the limit… and meeting a 20 year old at 25 and dating them is just bordering weird in my opinion. Ag 25, I could never have dated a 20 year old. Your prefrontal cortex is starting to develop and if you’re still in the relationship by age 25 and not completely stuck, it’ll end by then. Him dismissing everything you say is a huge problem, “I follow everyone who interacts with me” “I support content creators of all kinds”. 🙄give me a break. Also, the women he follows in the adult content niche look nothing like you because he follows creators he mentally feels comfortable objectifying and dehumanizing. It’s still gross of him, but I doubt it’s because he isn’t attracted to you. This is all really painful and I’m so sorry.
YTA – Stop trying to control what he can do and who he’s allowed to talk to.
If you don’t want to date someone that talks to his ex or to other content creators, that’s fine, but that means this guy isn’t the one for you.
You don’t get any extra say in what he does just bc you take care of the house or of him.
Get a full time job and move out of his place.
I’m not trying to control him just because I feel insecure when he talks to his ex or follows other women. I’ve never said I should have extra say in anything, nor did I ever say that he owns the house, that’s just your assumption, the house is mine. I only want him to listen to me, because I feel like he’s not taking me seriously. I only work part time to take care of him
Then kick his ass out!
It doesnt matter if the house is your or his or someone else’s.
You don’t get to control what he does, who he talks to, or who he follows on social media.
You don’t get to change him.
If you don’t want to date a guy that does those things, then *don’t date a guy that does those things.* Show him the door and date someone that gives half a shit about you.
YTA for trying to control what he does and YTA to yourself for staying with him.
How many followers does he even have if he’s interacting with everyone? And what exactly is he contributing to this relationship? With the limited information you’ve shared, the dynamic reads more like mom/maid than girlfriend. And no – people don’t follow adult content creators without a certain kind of interest.
YTA. Just because you’re his caretaker doesn’t mean you don’t have to respect his privacy. Following creators like that isn’t a big deal if he isn’t trying to actually interact with them in ways that would be relationship-boundary breaking. If he’s talking about missing what he had with his ex, then that’s understandable to be uncomfortable with. However, it feels like you’re overreacting and owe him an apology for blowing up. Learn to talk properly.
There’s a really simple rule that would cover a lot of posts in this subreddit, OP: once you snoop, the trust is already gone.
ESH. It is inherently A-holish to snoop. There is no getting around that invasion of privacy. Once you’re at the point of snooping being ok to you, the trust is so eroded that finding nothing wouldn’t comfort you, it would make you more paranoid.
But that said, hiding things from you like he has is also A-holery. The fact that you had no idea he was following adult content creators is a big deal. It’s not a big deal that he does. It’s not a big deal that you don’t know exactly who, or that they look nothing like you, or anything at all that specific. A relationship where you do not know, generally or in the abstract, that your partner is consuming or engaging with that kind of content is doomed from the start.
It doesn’t matter that, as he claims, it’s more about being in the creator space and less about the actual content. If you were partner to a leatherworker, you would expect to be told if the leatherwork conventions he goes to a kink-friendly or kink-unfriendly. If you were partner to an audiobook narrator, you would expect to know whether he works with romantasy books with explicit scenes or not. You’re not going to go listen to them or search them out, unless you like that kind of thing. But it’s important that you know which way your partner leans, personally or professionally.
I also don’t love that you are his full-time caretaker and only working part-time yourself. Especially given what you’ve found and what you know and feel now, it feels a bit like a trap. There’s going to be a conversation if you decide that this is too much for you about what that means for his living conditions. And to be clear here… you owe him nothing along those lines. He is a working adult and responsible for his own life.
Yes, I did mean to explicitly say that this might be too much for you, and that this might be the end of the relationship. The facts are that you can either accept your partner as he is, or decide to move on. Any changes he makes that stem from this situation are only going to be compromises that have been coerced by the threat of losing the relationship. If he was going to be honest about his connections/followings, he would have been by now. If he was going to be open about his relationship with his ex, he would have been by now. He can say that he’ll cut those things off to save the relationship, but you’re already in a place of distrust, and you won’t believe him, and nor should you, since he’s only giving you those things under the duress of losing the relationship.
This! I get that his disability may mean he can’t do things for you, or help around the house, and even that more burden falls on you as his caretaker, all of which conditions you to not expect much from him. But all of that means that basically the only way he can show he loves you (other than empty words) is to show he gives a shit about your feelings which it doesn’t sound like he is.
YTA
Super insecure behavior here. Lemme guess you have been cheated on before or have done the cheating?
Dude probably shouldn’t be put on trial for having a gf before you two were a thing
NTA while different people have different comfort levels in a relationship in terms of what content the other consumers, reminiscing with an ex is generally crossing a line (unless they’re friends and you’ve hung out with her too), and following women on IG is a little worse than like a -orn addiction cause these are actual people he could be dming, so I think your discomfort is normal.
BUT the worst part is him dismissing you! Couples have to discuss and work thru stuff like this, you’re trying to talk to him about how something he’s doing makes you feel, and him saying “I don’t think it’s a problem” end of discussion is him saying I don’t care how you feel if it inconveniences, burdens or otherwise asks anything of me. You may love him, but does he love you?
ESH
OP – only because you snooped.
Hopefully soon to be ex – what exactly is he livestreaming? If he is streaming games on Twitch, a majority of those who would comment on his stuff would be fellow gamers, not adult content creators. Additionally, if he is streaming games, you would think he would follow more gamer-centric stuff to garner more followers from there. Now, if he is doing adult content, then sure I can see him following similar creators.
In the end – he is ignoring things that obviously bother you and that isn’t something you should tolerate. Even if you ultimately disagree and break up, you deserve to be heard – ESPECIALLY if you are also his caretaker. Definitely not something I would tolerate.
“This makes me uncomfortable and if you have any respect for me, you would stop doing things that make me uncomfortable. If you can’t understand that and compromise, I need to reevaluate this relationship. Because a real ‘content creator’ and a successful one, isn’t going to make a big deal out of a few followers because they aren’t going to make or break you. Also they aren’t here taking care of you, I am, so I deserve some respect because I assure you none of them are going to do it.”