So last night, my (27F) boyfriend (30M), confessed to my mom (62F) that his mother is a kept woman. His mom has been provided for by his step dad for a long time, and my boyfriend has had a hard time telling my mom about it. Last night, he randomly confessed it to her, and I knew what that meant, that meant that I would have to answer any follow up questions. This morning, I woke up and my mom immediately starts asking me questions. She said “How long has she not been working?” I said “I don’t know, years.” She said “So she lives off of the government?” I said “No, she isn’t a citizen. Their step dad provides for her.” This is when she said “Don’t you worry that kids are a reflection of their parents?” This is where I may have been the asshole. I responded and said “Why would I judge someone based off of their parents? I don’t think that’s fair, and it feels like that’s what you are doing to him. He has worked hard, and is in school after getting out of the military. What if someone judged you off of your absentee father?” And she immediately started screaming at me. She said “YOU KNOW WHAT? I DONT WANT THIS TO BE AN ARGUMENT SO JUST FUCKING WALK AWAY RIGHT NOW IM SO SICK OF THIS.” So I did just that. I left the house while she was in the middle of her sentence. Keep in mind I didn’t raise my voice at all. Maybe it was presumptuous of me to think she was attacking him, but in the moment I felt like asking the question made me think that she is judging him off of his mom. So Reddit, AITA?
EDIT: So I should give context as to why I referred to their relationship that way. She isn’t technically a housewife, but she also isn’t a kept woman. It’s like, in between? They are unmarried, and live separately, but the kids call him step dad. He provides for her.
NTA, your mom obviously was judging your boyfriend and his mom. In what universe is having your spouse financially provide for you if you can’t work some kind of shameful secret? Plenty of people can’t work for legal reasons, disability etc. and have spouses who financially support them. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that as long as both people in the marriage are fine with it. Even if the mom were doing something wrong, your mom would be an AH for judging your boyfriend based on that. But it’s really weird to act like her husband being the breadwinner makes her an awful person.
How is this any of your mother’s business?
I’m going to call your boyfriend the mild a-hole for feeling like he had to “confess” this to your mother.
Using your logic, my mother has been a kept woman for her entire 65 year marriage to my father. Who the heck cares? They can afford it, it works for them, it’s no one else’s business.
No, she was absolutely attacking him and you didn’t misread it. Good on you for walking away rather than letting her harangue you for hours
NTA, she is!
Please, learn what a kept woman is. If she was married to the man providing for her, that doesn’t necessarily make her a kept woman. Is she providing sexual favors in exchange for him providing for her? That’s what a kept woman usually is. And since you refer to him as “step dad”, are they still married?
I’m confused as to why you even told your him, or why he did. This sounds like so much not her business.
Tell your mom you hope people don’t judge you based on her behavior. She sounds awful with that screaming at you.
ESH, because this whole thing is confusing and oversharing.
Your mom can dish it out, but she can’t take it. That makes her the asshole, IMHO.
NTA.
Info: Do you mean his mom is a mistress, or is she a housewife?
NTA. If someone says kids are a reflection of their parents, they shouldn’t be shocked when the mirror gets turned back on them.
NTA. It made you think she was judging him based on his mom because she *was* judging him based on his mom. She said as much. “Don’t you worry that kids are a reflection of their parents?” How else are you supposed to interpret that?
The fact that she reacted so harshly to you bringing up her father kind of proves the point – it isn’t cool to judge a kid based on their parents, now is it?
Also, you say “kept woman” but it just sounds like she’s a SAHM/homemaker? There are plenty of people who don’t work and are supported by their spouses, and they don’t need to defend that choice to anyone outside their household. Even before she asked about him, her questions sound very harsh and judgmental.
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NTA. Your mom straight up implied your bf is lesser because his mom doesn’t work, and you just held up a mirror using her own logic. People love to dish that “kids reflect parents” crap until it applies to them, then suddenly it is “stop arguing.”
You didn’t yell, you set a boundary, and you walked away when she escalated. That is textbook reasonable.
Kept woman is a loaded term. You’re painting his mom like a concubine when she really just sounds like a stay at home mom. If my wife needs to go on maternity leave after she gives birth am I keeping her? My mom retired before my stepfather. Was he keeping her?
Sounds like everyone’s the asshole but your man’s parents
I am confused about this due to the use of the word “confess.” It’s giving that you judge him for having a SAHM and that your whole family for judge him/his mom for this. The fact that you use the term kept woman over stay at home mom (which is so common!) is also showing judgement.
How is any of this 1) your business 2) your mom’s business 3) a big deal anyway???
YTA for making this a thing when it’s not. If you stayed out of this woman’s business, you wouldn’t be in an argument with your mom and your mom wouldn’t be making comments about your boyfriend.
YTA for calling your bf’s mother ‘a kept woman’, which implies a mistress ‘kept’ by some man, said man usually being married to someone else . If she and her husband choose to live without her working, that is their choice and frankly not your business. Not even her sons really , certainly not to have him ‘confessing’ to other people about their situation.
I don’t understand the “confession” of his mother being a stay-at-home mom? So her husband supported her, you make it sound like she was a “kept mistress” NTA