I(21M) have had a rocky relationship with my father(46M) since I was a preteen. We have had several large verbal disagreements, one in which I was genuinely afraid of him. Most of our arguments were over very trivial things like saying “yeah” instead of “yes” or whistling in the house. My father is a Caribbean man who went to the army at 18 and later became a cop (yikes) So he’s honestly a very sensitive man. He’s never put his hands on me and has always taken care of me like I was his own. He’s constantly said me and my siblings are the most important things in his life, and I believe him. In recent years, since I was around 18, he has cooled down significantly and we haven’t had any fights. We have made a lot of progress in our relationship and we are at a point where I can joke with him. We used to get lunch together and he held me as I sobbed at my grandfather’s funeral, which meant a lot to me.
A few months ago my mother(45F) decided to divorce my father, something I had long predicted to happen. I also learned that my father had emotionally/digitally cheated on my mom multiple times. Although the cheating barely scratches the surface of problems. In simple terms my idiotic father destroyed our family over the course of about eleven years. Now we live in separate houses. Me and my younger siblings live with my mom and my dad lives by himself about an hour away in an apartment.
As the months have gone by I’ve seen him a lot less. He knows that our relationship isn’t what it should be and he keeps asking me to come stay with him when I can but I keep avoiding it. I love my dad and I want to be close to him, especially since he’s been so sad. I know that if I were to cut him off he would be crushed, so I can’t do that (he also pays for half of my college funds). But something happened with him at Christmas that really set me off and now the thought of him has me seeing red.
To explain it as simply the only thing I put on my wishlist was “money for grillz” after coming back from an almost 2 week trip abroad he gave me and my siblings book marks and later pulled a lego car out of a bag and said who wants this one. Later on in the evening realized he was wearing grillz. This completely took me aback as my father is a fairly traditional man who never expressed a previous interest in grillz. When I asked him about it he brushed me off and I didn’t want to make a scene so I dropped it. I kept my cool that night but I have been thinking about it recently. I know that it seems like he’s being an ass on purpose but he really is genuinely this stupid and has done similar things before.
I have been fuming about the whole ordeal for the past 2 weeks and have been avoiding him since. When I talk to my mom about it she points out that that’s the way he is and he’s my dad so it’s important that I try to have a relationship with him. Am I the asshole for not getting over the incident and avoiding him even though I know it was an honest mistake?
YTA – 90% of this has absolutely nothing to do with the issue at hand. Yes, you are an AH for being upset that you didn’t get money for “grillz”. That is one of the dumbest reasons I’ve ever heard for going low contact with a parent. You have a lot of growing up to do.
Eh NTA cut who ever of for whatever reason, but seriously TL:DR aita for cutting my father off because he bought Grillz for himself and not me. This whole post was pointless.
For clarification- the explanation of our past relationship is to give context of why I was quick to anger at the most recent offense that technically isn’t horrible. To compare it to somthing simple my situation is a “I told you I dont like it when you do that” Im also not mad he didn’t get me grillz I am mad that he got himself grillz and ignored the fact that he knew I wanted them.
Usually when adults have an issue they discuss it, not avoid each other.
What are grillz?
Teeth jewelry
Oh.
YTA
NTA. I feel this one in my bones.
When I was a teen I drank Dr.pepper and ate snickers bars every chance I got trying to win a geo tracker. I ate/drank those so much I can’t even look at them today. Anyway my mother, who had no interest in anything like that went and bought a geo tracker. And then to add insult to injury she wouldn’t let me drive it down the street but let my boyfriend (who she had just met).
So NTA for right now because I understand. But if he’s a good dad overall when you can maybe have a conversation with him about how that felt.
this is a hard one to judge as everyone has a right to set boundaries with their relationships and if avoiding someone is your boundary then that is fine.
going low contact over the grillz comes across as quite petty and entitled.
you seem to put very little effort into the relationship, which is fine that is your right and maybe your reasons are valid, but you expect a lot back. you can’t keep punishing him/pushing him away yet still expect him to keep paying for things etc.
we don’t know enough about you or your dad to give much meaningful advice or judgement. you have to decide if you want a relationship with him or not
YTA.
By your own words, this is a man who has been a great father to you, and is paying for your education, and you’re going no contact over dumb teeth jewelery.
Something, which is actually bad for your teeth and will mean that you find harder to find a job as it is seen as unprofessional.
YTA and you need to grow up. This is a silly issue that sounds more like something from a 13-year-old, not a 21-year-old man.
NTA. It seems like you’re avoiding your dad for the right reasons, but let’s be real, you’re also avoiding the chance to finally ask him why he bought grillz for himself and not for you.