For context, I am F18 freshmen college student and I’m living on-campus rooming with another F18 in a double. In the beginning I struggled to share my space because I was fortunate enough to have my own room so, it took time for me to get used to living with another person. I didn’t have anything against her until I found out she had been talking about me to other about things she is annoyed by, like alarm going off or guests, etc. When I found out that from another person, I lost the respect we agreed upon in the beginning of communicating if we have a problem. So, like when I do have a problem, I don’t say anything and just ramble to my friends to reciprocate the same energy. However, I believe because I grew up with a sibling and in not the wealthiest household, I am more accepting of smaller things that are a bother as a opposed to making a big problem. Yet, with her, she is very particular about certain things and has mostly made the rules for the room that we share but also goes to bed earlier than I do, which is something I already mentioned and is something we agreed upon before becoming roommates.
Anyways, the point is, recently I’ve been staying up later, like not as late as 1:30-2, but around 12:30, to catch up with some old friends, whether that is online or with facetime. And, when I was on call yesterday, she said, "Since it’s Tuesday can you be off the call by 12?", it was 11:30 then, and I understand it’s late, however, I’m not loud or obnoxious when I’m on call when she is also in the room and I allow her to have a noise machine to help her sleep, while I decide to sleep with headphones on to block out noise. In a way, it made me think there was some underlying reason behind why she said it, because it felt passive aggressive when she said it. I’m not trying to be unreasonable, but she could also use her own headphones when going to bed if it seems like I’m staying up late, because that’s what I would do if I was in that position. So, AITA in this situation or should I suck it up and just not have calls at night?
For more context, a day or two ago, I was on call later at night with my friends, which I ended up falling asleep to, but I wasn’t really even talking loud or anything, so could that have been the time, like maybe my airpods disconnected and it was loud or something?
Soft YTA. Having a phone conversation past midnight on a weekday is pretty inconsiderate. You need to take that somewhere else.
It sucks that she’s talking about you behind your back, and you’re right that she should be communicating with you like an adult rather than doing that. But it sounds like she DID communicate with you by asking you to be quiet by a certain time, and you’re resistant to that because you don’t think it’s a reasonable expectation (it is). Retaliating by not talking to her like an adult and gossiping about her is the reason this leans away from E S H and into YTA, for me.
YTA.
Maybe it’s the old man in me but midnight on a school night is entirely too late to be having audible phone calls with friends when someone else is trying to sleep.
ESH – she should have talked to you directly, you shouldn’t “reciprocate her energy” intentionally (very childish) and having phone calls late while someone is trying to sleep is rude. You were on a call late and FELL ASLEEP? Get help.
YTA, for talking on the phone in the same room as someone who is trying to sleep. And for dismissing her when she tried to talk to you about it.
YTA
You’re staying up way too late talking with friends on a weeknight. Take it elsewhere, you share a room and have to be considerate.
It does sound like you two need to sit down and talk things through and come up with compromises. You both have ventured into being passive aggressive with each other and it’s going to get worse and turn into resentment.
ESH. She needs to talk to you directly if she has a problem that she wants you to solve, and you need to learn to clock off calls before falling asleep.
YTA. She shouldn’t need to tell you not to have Facetime conversations after midnight in a shared room.
>I lost the respect we agreed upon in the beginning of communicating if we have a problem
>So, like when I do have a problem, I don’t say anything and just ramble to my friends **to reciprocate the same energy**
So, you’re intentionally part of the problem.
Additionally, having calls at 12:30am is too late. It’s unreasonable to expect the other person to use sound deadening devices to compensate for your lack of consideration.
You’re living on campus. People need their sleep for classes. You’re going to have to get used to co-existing, and not willfully antagonizing people. That’s probably why she’s talking about you to other people. The next step could be a formal complaint.
YTA
YTA. What other people say about you generally isn’t your business. She may have decided that it wasn’t a big enough deal to bring up but was enough to annoy her.
Midnight is a VERY reasonable quiet time. It doesn’t matter if you aren’t being loud, you can still be heard. Quiet hours are usually 10pm so you should be glad she’s made it so late on a weekday. She shouldn’t have to sleep with headphones on because you decided to have a full on conversation at 1am on a Tuesday night
YTA for calling and face-timing friends when your roommate is trying to sleep!!! RUDE AF! Don’t you have any manners??? Leave the room if you want to talk late
YTA. Step out for phone/video calls. Common courtesy.
Unfortunately, YTA. Go into a different room (if there is one). Since you share a room, you need to accommodate her sleeping. Maybe don’t get on calls after a certain hour?
Hi! I’m actually an RA for a freshmen dorm so I feel qualified to give some advice. Ideally your roommate would have talked to you about these issues if there is a legitimate problem. It’s also possible that she knows that you can’t change certain things like needing to set an alarm to wake up for a morning class, so she talked to friends in order to blow off steam without realizing that it would seem like she is trash talking you.
You should talk to her about this because right now you have building resentment (which is totally understandable when someone has been talking about you behind your back) and it’s coloring your perception of your other interactions in a more negative light. Asking you to end the call a bit earlier is directly stating her needs, but you are seeing it as passive aggressive because you already have some negative feelings there. Her ask is also reasonable, because while 12:30 isn’t that late it also isn’t too early for someone to go to sleep and it is a weekday. You might be comfortable sleeping in headphones but that might not be comfortable for her or she may not have as good headphones as you. Noise cancellation also does a much better job blocking out white noise than talking.
I think you should approach her at a time where you both aren’t too busy and it at least before 10pm because it’s harder to have a productive conversation if she’s getting tired. You can say something like, “a while ago I found out from someone that you had been complaining to them about some of the things I’ve been doing. I felt very \_\_\_\_\_\_\_ and so I also started to do the same thing when I had problems. But I’m starting to think that not talking about our issues is negatively impacting our friendship. How can we make it so we feel comfortable coming to each other?” When you are having this conversation, try to consciously choose to interpret her words in a neutral way. Assume she means what she said and not assume she’s being passive aggressive. You can also always ask your RA to mediate the conversation. I’m not going to call either of you assholes because you both only just became adults and are learning to navigate a new situation. Though if you didn’t end your phone call or leave the room after she asked that would be pretty asshole-ish, as is talking about each other to other students.
YTA
You’re lucky she hasn’t reported you to RA. If you want a single, pay for it.
You are automatically the asshole for having a FaceTime conversation at 2am while someone else is sleeping in the room.