I (F30) have been with my boyfriend (M36) for 6 years. When we met, he made about €2.5k/month, but he miscalculated his taxes and ended up owing several thousand euros. He changed jobs because the old one was toxic and now earns about €1.6k/month + commission (but hasn’t made any commission yet). He also receives about €300/month in government aid.
For the past 5 years, €200/month has been taken from his salary to repay the tax debt. It should be finished soon, but he refuses to call them to find out when because it’s difficult to reach them.
We’ve lived together for 4.5 years. I make about €2k/month. We split rent and utilities 50/50 (around €800 each), but I pay for all groceries (~€450/month).
Because of his finances, we rarely go out unless I pay. I usually cover our outings (around twice a week) so we can spend time together. We also can’t really go on vacations unless we stay with family or friends because he can’t pat anything.
He currently owes me about €1200 from unexpected expenses (car repairs, charge adjustments, etc.). He pays me back small amounts occasionally, like €50–€100 every couple of months.
A lot of his remaining money goes to transportation (€90),cigarettes (€150) and lunches (€200)
because he refuses to bring food from home. He often ends the month overdrawn, and I often lend him money to avoid bank fees (which he repays once his salary arrives).
Yesterday, my mom invited us to celebrate my dad’s birthday at a somewhat expensive restaurant. She clearly said she was inviting us, and my parents are much more financially comfortable than we are.
The bill was about €350. While I was in the bathroom, my boyfriend insisted on paying half (€175).
I only realized afterward. He refused to tell me how much he paid but I figured it out when I checked the menu latéral at home.
Now I’m honestly shocked and angry.
Yes, it’s kind that he wanted to treat my dad for his birthday. Normally I like that he’s generous. But €175 is more than 10% of his monthly income. It basically guarantees that:
– he won’t reimburse me anything this month
– he’ll probably end the month overdrawn again
– I’ll have to pay for most of our outings again if we go out at all
So in practice, I feel like I’m indirectly paying for that dinner, even though my mom had already said she was inviting us.
I’m angry at him for putting us in this situation, and also a bit angry at my mom for letting him do it when she knows our financial situation.
It’s currently 2am and I’m crying on the couch because I’m too angry to sleep next to him. He has no idea how upset I actually am because I didn’t want to ruin the evening.
Usually his generosity is something I love about him, but this time it feels irresponsible and selfish.
AITA for being angry that he paid for my dad’s birthday dinner ?
NTA. I get wanting to be generous, but this was straight-up reckless. Paying that much when he’s already struggling financially isn’t cute it’s stress you shouldn’t have to carry. He needed a reality check before dropping €175 like that.
NTA but you need to seriously rethink your financial split! You paying €450 for groceries whole he pays nothing is absolutely ridiculous. He’s taking advantage of your kind nature and assuming you won’t let him starve. If he can buy cigarettes and lunch he can contribute towards groceries. He’s living beyond his means, at your expense! Absolutely not. No more.
NTA
He was generous with YOUR money!!!!
I suggest you don’t pay for anything. Buy your own food and let him figure it out for himself. Don’t front him money if he is over extended. Don’t take him out at all this month. You can go out with a friend and pay for yourself while your friend pays for herself. He’s not a partner and doesn’t respect you.
You don’ Have to give him your money. Stop blaming him for your choices.
nta to be mad, but yes ta to yourself for staying with him when he is financially draining you. He paid so he looks good. Even if you pay for half of dad’s dinner instead then he wont get credit and he doesnt want to pay you back. so of course this is a perfect excuse, just like you said. If you want to stay with him, he needs a financial planner to make him stick to things. Been there. Can tell you it wont get better until you push or leave. Stop taking him out. Plan date nights in. Tell him the money from the date is going to his debt. keep track. You owe it to yourself.
NTA for being mad about him spending your money but your a big friggin chump for allowing his financially destructive behaviour to keep having a impact on you. Homeboy needs to grow up, cut down or quit the smoking and call up the tax man to see how much more he owes and how long it’ll take him to pay off.
Also you need to quit babying him. He’s a full grown man. Time he started behaving like one
NTA, you’re frustrated because he’s not doing what he needs to to avoid putting you in a tough financial situation.
You know this will get worse if you don’t stand up to it. I think you’re about due for a much bigger reaction. You need to make it clear that he can’t continue this way. Don’t allow it. He needs to cut more from his budget and/or start earning more. Don’t give him more money. No more nights out (for him) until you’re paid back.
I know he’s your partner and you’ll probably continue to support him, but he’s unlikely to pay you back without a harsh reality check.
NTA but stop giving him money. He overdrew his account? Too bad, now he needs to pay the fees. Wants to go out? Nah, you’re treating yourself, he can stay home and figure out his finances.
Neither one of you can afford to eat out period. You can’t afford to go out to eat twice a week and you certainly can’t afford to buy lunch every day. Both of you are not financially responsible, he’s just worse.
So he quit his toxic hobby and now ok with nearly 900 less a month? Why!? because he knew you would take care of him!! Not like he’s going to give up his cig and daily lunches out. You may not eat out every day but he does! And you’ll have groceries to cook dinner with. What a wonderful life! Here’s a thought: he would have never, ever, ever, ever paid for that BD lunch if it would have been his $$. It was yours and he knew it. You’re not happy in this relationship and you need to get out.
I am not sure why you are continuing to supplement his income when he is buying cigarettes and constantly going out to eat. You pay 50-50 except you buy all the groceries and all the dates. You make €2K and he makes, €1.9K with the government help. I thought taxes were automatically done for you all?
He’s 36. This isn’t going to get better.
NTA. It’s nice to split the bill when you can afford it, but he clearly cannot afford it. And on his salary he’s paying way too much on cigarettes and eating out. It sounds like you should have a serious conversation with him about money. He’s using you as a crutch to avoid financial responsibility. You have to stop enabling him.
As someone in their 40’s, cut your losses now. This is how he will be forever. You will always be struggling because of his choices. Don’t have kids with this man it will get worse.
NTA for being angry at him taking on an unnecessary expense to treat your Dad to dinner – you’re absolutely correct that indirectly, you are paying because he owes you money and will likely depend on you to give him a “payday loan”, but it seems to me that part of what you’re feeling is frustration and upset over generally being “given the mushroom treatment” (I’ll explain in a minute) and taken financial advantage of in the whole relationship.
You’re enabling him to be financially irresponsible with his money during the month because he can count on you to be like his “financial mommy” and give him a payday loan to avoid bank fees. I think you need to lay it out for your boyfriend that “the bank of girlfriend” is closed for end of the month payday loans. If he is approaching overdrawn, he better bring some lunch from home, cut back on the ciggies, or walk so he isn’t overdrawn. If he doesn’t – the bank will want its fees.
You should be paid back towards the 1200 he owes you – regularly, not “50 or 100 every couple of months”. Let’s say 100 a month until his debt is cleared and 200 once the tax withdrawals end. Let’s put it out there: repaying you is less of a priority to him than the effort it takes to make himself a sandwich, walk, or cut back on his ciggies. He’s also quite content to take advantage of you feeding him. Just like his mommy used to.
Now about those tax withdrawals – How much did he owe, exactly? Are you SURE they’re still ongoing? I think you’re being “given the mushroom treatment” (kept in the dark and fed on bullshit). If 200 a month has been taken out for 5 years, that’s 2,400 Euro a year or 12,000 Euros over 5 years. You said he owed “several thousand” euros, but a debt of 6,000 at 6% interest would be paid off in 3 years by less than 200 a month.
If you’re subsidizing his groceries, cigarettes, lunches, transportation, AND his generosity to your parents while “carrying” a 1200 debt because the poor dear still owes money to the Taxman, I think you need to see an accounting.