My friend (21F) (let’s call her Ann) and I(18F) are not too close but in the past year or so, we have. We have a mutual cousin (we’re not related, just the mutual cousin is related to both of us), let’s call her Nat that came into town in August 2025 so my friend and i decided to make a plan with her since it’s never just been the 3 of us.
Even before the plan was confirmed my Ann kept on saying ‘Oh what if she judges us, what if she tells xyz (people we don’t really like because somehow Nat was friends with them as well), i hope i don’t talk too much etc etc. It was getting to me a little bit but i just keep quiet and told her that it was would be and it’s not that deep.
Fast forward to after the whole plan happened we dropped her off and Ann started again with everything she was saying before and as usual i just said the same things as well and again when we went both got home she messaged me asking ‘do you think she enjoyed’ ‘do you thing i spoke too much’ and i wasn’t even trying to be harsh when i said this but i said ‘You’re reassurance seeking, you’re just making it worse. I know you don’t realise it but it does’ and this is coming from someone who has struggled with (not diagnosed yet) OCD for the longest time and 1 thing and i can tell you is that reassurance seeking just makes it 10 times worse. She didn’t reply to me after that.
Since that day (August 2025) she hasn’t been the same with me, she still greets me whenever we see each other but she’s very cold and dry toward me, i’ve tried starting convos multiple times online and in irl (because i do see her quite often since her other cousin is my best friend) but she’s very cold towards me. I know it’s because of what i said because she told her cousin (my best friend) about it and she seemed offended. I don’t think i did anything wrong but for the last few months i’m thinking ‘maybe i did’
A little side note here, i know many of you might say she may be struggling with anxiety and i get that, i get that but i also get that reassurance seeking is one of the worst things you can do for your anxiety and yes it wasn’t right for me to tell her ‘it’s not that deep’ etc but again she wasn’t offended at that, it was me calling her out for reassurance seeking that made her not want to talk to me for 6 whole months
So AITA?
sounds like she’s holding onto it. maybe she’s just sensitive about it. can’t change how she feels about your honesty.
yes i was also thinking this but the way i said it was not harsh at all, it had emojis and everything ygm? and she just ghosted me after that, so i was a little confused at first
I wouldn’t worry about it too much. Be polite to her and friendly as you would be to anyone else and if she still gives you the cold shoulder, that’s not your problem. It sounds like she was needy and kind of a pain in the ass and you are better off not having her drama in your life.
Sounds like Ann might have [Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria](https://www.google.com/search?q=Rejection+Sensitive+Dysphoria&oq=rejection+sensitivity&gs_lcrp=EgZjaHJvbWUqCggCEAAYsQMYgAQyDAgAEEUYORixAxiABDIKCAEQABixAxiABDIKCAIQABixAxiABDIHCAMQABiABDIHCAQQABiABDIHCAUQABiABDIHCAYQABiABDIHCAcQABiABDIHCAgQABiABDIHCAkQABiABNIBCDUxMTJqMGo3qAIAsAIA&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8&ved=2ahUKEwiUsLuG0vaSAxUhXkEAHeKSCk4QgK4QegYIAQgAEAU), or extremely low self esteem over-compensated with pride, leading to cutting out anyone who dares question her. Hopefully age and maturity will help her grow out of it.
You’re NTA for calling a spade a spade, but there may be two lessons here for the future. 1) We mustn’t belittle anyone’s worries, even if they don’t seem like a big deal to us. 2) Instead of actually calling someone out for reassurance seeking, a more subtle approach might be not to play into it. Firm but friendly shutting it down as early as can be considered kind.
Perhaps you are better matched with less needy friends, or you and Ann and rekindle a friendship after the dust has settled. Either way, good luck! 🌈
thank you, this was really helpful!
Nah you’re not the asshole. You were just honest and calling out behavior, not attacking her. She’s offended because she got defensive, not because you did anything wrong.
INFO Is she always like this or just when your cousin is concerned?
from what i know she’s always been like this but at the same time she’s a ‘idc’ type of person so not sure