A few days ago something small happened with a close friend of mine in college, but the way it unfolded has been bothering me more than I expected.
For context, I’m a day scholar and my commute is about 21 km, so it takes a lot out of me just to get to college. Since it was almost the last day of our first year and we only had a few classes, I casually told my friends I might not come the next day. One of my friends who stays in the hostel jokingly said something like “If you don’t come tomorrow I’ll never talk to you again,” which I took as sarcasm. Another friend who also commutes said she might skip too.
After that, the hostel friend seemed to get really upset. She became very quiet, put her head down on the table for a long time, and eventually just got up and left without saying anything. I didn’t run after her, partly because I didn’t really understand what I was supposed to do in that moment and partly because I had some work to finish.
Later I heard from another friend that she said something along the lines of “I think I have too many expectations from people.” Oddly, hearing that didn’t make me feel guilty the way I thought it would. It actually made me feel irritated. I never asked anyone to have expectations about whether I’d show up or not, and it made me uncomfortable to feel responsible for disappointment I didn’t knowingly create.
The next day I did go to college (mainly because of attendance), but things felt awkward. I kept things neutral and distant. At one point she asked for help dictating something for her notes and I said no because my voice was messed up. After that she got even quieter and seemed more upset.
What’s confusing me is that this isn’t the first time something like this has happened. She can be very sensitive and moody, and in past conflicts in our group she has often felt hurt by things others didn’t realize were a big deal.
The part that’s bothering me most right now is realizing that if something this small could shift the entire vibe between us, maybe the friendship was more fragile than I thought. I genuinely thought we were close, so it feels disappointing.
Now I’m stuck between wondering:
– Am I being a bad or insensitive friend here?
– Or am I right to feel uncomfortable about expectations being placed on me like that?
I don’t really know how to move forward with this friendship, and I don’t want to keep carrying this weird mix of irritation, guilt, and disappointment.
NTA.
It certainly does seem like this friend is too dependent on you, practically and emotionally. Her use of threats and coercive comments is way out of line. She seems to make a habit of using her emotions to get people to do what she wants.
I suggest that, instead of worrying whether her demands are reasonable or whether you’re a “good friend,” you simply trust your own gut about what you want to do. Each time do what’s best for you, and keep her needs in mind only as far as reasonable.
If she decides to “never speak to you again” then she will at the same time prove that she is an unreasonable person, and given you an excuse to remove yourself from the problem.
Mhm that’s true, the dependence did feel strong but I brushed it off saying she’s living in the hostel for the 1st time and plus is a little sensitive and I thought like any good friend I should be there for her and I tried to help without crossing my limits, but what kinda pissed me was her keeping expectations abt me and being upset at me and the same day she called me for some work and I was speaking normally trying to keep it like how our calls use to be by jokingly talking abt how much work I have and her dryly or rudely reply “it’s a U problem” two times after which I stopped.. idk but that seemed very rude to me n pissed me off 😭.
Both “putting her head down” and “leaving without saying anything” were intended to demonstrate her emotional state without complaining or making a scene. But she hoped you would to ask “what’s wrong?” or run after her and agree to whatever she wanted. Same with the “expectations” comment, expecting you to want to prove that statement wrong.
All very manipulative.
A little more context she did tell she wanted to go to a canteen and then kept her head down.. and that kept being delayed because I had to get an object returned from a senior plus I was waiting for another friend because I had to discuss some internship work with her.. and another friend who was with us was talking on a call and eventually amidst all that 30 minutes had gone by and then she just stood went and the friend on call followed her with a confused face and me still sitting in class.. then the friend who was on the call called me and I told her it’s alright I’ll stay in class by that time the intership friend had come..before this itself things got awkward. It probably wasn’t exactly manipulation I hope, probably a lack of communication from my side as well..
NAH. You both are extra for no real reason.
I’m just trying to be patient and understanding 😭, but this time idk I’m pissed but feel bad abt being pissed fudge my life :’).
You aren’t doing a good job of it.
Understand your friend is needlessly extra and be patient to not join them in an absurd spiral.
This reads more like a drama-off than you as the victim.
I’m not trying to be a victim, I know I didn’t do anything wrong but yeah.. this situation seems to turn bad..idk how to do a “good job” anymore….
Easy, let your friend be upset sometimes. Don’t presume every eb and flow of their emotions is a call to action for you to fix something.
ngl this sounds like shes doing the whole silent treatment thing where she expects you to chase her and validate her, which is honestly exhausting to deal with especially when youre already burnt out from commuting 21km. the real issue isnt that youre insensitive, its that shes putting emotional labor on you without actually communicating what she needs and then getting mad when you cant read her mind
Mhmm she did mention in the past that me not being there makes it lonely for her, although we have a friend group she doesn’t talk to the other that much, but yeah the silent treatment is still being continued… you’re right 😭