Am I the asshole for telling my(f23) boyfriend(m26) that I can’t control my emotions on my period?
I’m(23f) gonna start out by saying I was recently diagnosed with endometriosis and PMDD. So basically my uterus is my number one enemy. No amount of over the counter pain killers or homeopathic methods help. Trust me I’ve tried literally everything. My last one in particular was so bad I was shaking and screaming so I had to go to the ER. They had to hold me down to put in an IV so they could give me morphine and anti nausea medication. When the morphine didn’t work they gave me two other pain killers in my IV that also did not work. That’s how bad my cramping is to put it into perspective. They ended up sending me home with oxycodone pills and anti nausea medication so I don’t have to constantly go back to the hospital when I’m in pain. I was snappy with my boyfriend at the hospital I’ll admit it but I was shaking, screaming, crying and being pumped full of pain killers for 6 hours. The doctors and nurses were looking at me like I needed an exorcism.
So now my boyfriend is on this whole thing about how I can control my emotions on my period and that apparently midol will make “everything better”. Which in itself pisses me off because no shit I’ve tried midol and it doesn’t work. The most it does is help with bloating. He told me that normally women aren’t like this when they’re on their period and I’m extra mean and extra snappy. He thinks he knows because he has sisters but neither of them have endometriosis and one of them has two kids and claims after having them her periods are better (she was a teen mom so she didn’t even really suffer from cramping that long to begin with.)
So now it’s just basically him saying that I’m too mean and hormones are no excuse to “be a bitch”. While I try to explain that the pain is so severe, my hormones are going crazy and the mixture of all the pain and hormones makes me emotional and “bitchy.” He says that’s not an excuse. I can just “shut my mouth” and “not say mean shit”. Now I’m just pissed off and upset. He’s getting mad at me for something I can’t control. It feels like an alien is trying to escape out of my body and is ripping my insides to shit in the process. I’m literally about to order a period pain simulator to put on him and show him that’s how I feel walking around for a week while bleeding out. It also just hurts that my GROWN MAN boyfriend dating a GROWN WOMAN isn’t being understanding. Am I the asshole for being snappy and blaming my attitude on my emotions? I genuinely want to know.
Are you sure he’s 26, not 16? He really needs to grow up and step up. Absolutely NTA – he is.
ESH- he sucks cause he is genuinely not being understanding. And he’s acting like he knows when he does not have a period.
However, I’ve been in your spot. I’ve had hospitalizing cramps. I’ve actually had even worse so because I had an ectopic pregnancy earlier this year which is more painful than any period cramps because a baby was quite literally growing in my fallopian tube, which is not meant to stretch, causing internal bleeding. The point is, I get your pain. And yes while you cannot necessarily control your emotions. You can always control what you say. You are always in control of the words that come out of your mouth. And you’re always in control of your actions. You being in a bad mood may not be a choice but you saying mean things is always a choice. I could elaborate more on this, but I feel I just be talking in circles so I’m just gonna leave it at that. Everybody sucks here. Both of y’all need to be nicer to each other. He needs to learn to be more understanding. And you need to not take it out on him because he didn’t put you in that position of pain.
What medical advice did you receive? Your period sounds horrible and I would hope that a ob/gyn is advising you of options and what they can do about the pain, etc. NTA for something you can’t control. But sounds like you may want to seriously consider surgery to remove ovaries or full hysterectomy to get your quality of life back. Your bf needs to be a lot more understanding; men can’t conceive the pain we go through.
So if your boyfriend’s hit by a car and shatters his leg he’s allowed to verbally abuse you on the drive to the hospital?
ESH but only because of the Midol comment.
If you don’t live together, I would tell him to reach out after he calms down and not make degrading comments. Not every woman is the same and he is dating you. He should do research on what you have and be understanding. Fighting with each other will solve nothing except damage what he is already damaging. Don’t let someone talk to you that way and focus on taking care of yourself. I’m sorry you’re in so much pain too. This is a medical issue and that would be exhausting trying to justify why he shouldn’t compare your health to other people. If we compare him to other men, I promise you there are others who would handle this better. He is showing he can’t be there when you need him in a painful situation. The fact the hospital is giving you such strong pain medication in six hours is insane to me. I’m under the impression they are very careful about giving that type of powerful medicine to patients to avoid pill addiction among patients. Focus on your health. You don’t have to justify your pain when you are the person living it. Lean on your family and friends for support. Your health is more important. His comments were so bad too.
Yeah his comments sucked hearing. Especially acting like midol is going to be more effective than MORPHINE. We do live together so after this hospital visit we obviously went home together. It’s always randomly brought up but especially when it’s actually happening. Also yes especially in my state they don’t hand it out like that. But I was crying, shaking and screaming like I was possessed. The nurses were doing anything to make me stop shaking so they just went straight to shooting me up with all sorts of things. By the end I was not only still in pain but felt like I was in outer space lmao. It is exhausting to justify ESPECIALLY to a man. That’s what irks me. He’s always trying to call women in our lives (friends/family) and ask them if what I’m doing is okay and if they feel the same way. Like he can’t trust my word he wants to call his sisters or mom or whatever. I think me being upset that that is his mindset adds to the attitude. Sometimes in a weird way I wish we didn’t live together sometimes because it just gives us more time to argue about my uterus. MY uterus.
NTA. I’m a man, with a cousin who has endometriosis, and what I’d say to any man is “imagine everyone expects you to be nice to them while you are being kicked in the balls 24/7 for a week every month”. You adapt or you let go.
why on earth are you with a man who tells you to shut your mouth? so incredibly disrespectful. he doesn’t view you as an equal. this is the man who’s going to be taking care of you when you’re old and in diapers btw
NTA, but I would think morphine would impair your control more than pain. That’s a hard drug. It’s wild that he expected you to be in your best behavior while in extreme pain and on hard drugs.
For context, I know period pain and what it is like to have way more than normal and be dismissed. My periods were so bad that the doctors were concerned about how well I handled pain in labor 😆 when I was about 5 cm they asked how the pain was and I said “as bad as my really bad periods”. When I talked to my OB at the 6 week check, I told her that most periods were like when I was 3-4 cm but 5 cm was like a bad one. She then informed me that none of that is normal or okay and I shouldn’t have been able to function (which I couldn’t for the bad ones, to be fair).
Some people internalize pain, and some externalize. It sounds like you externalize. You should obviously work on controlling yourself as much as you can so you don’t hurt people you love, but his lack of grace and compassion for someone in bad enough pain for morphine is appalling. Of course you shouldn’t be mean to your partner, and also they forgive you for out of character behavior in extenuating circumstances. It doesn’t sound like you think your behavior was good, it sounds like you think it’s excusable given the situation, which I think is appropriate.
I think maybe you need a more forgiving partner, and one who’s willing to listen to a doctor about your condition and pain.
I do think ESH mainly because you definitely shouldn’t be like verbally abusing someone. That’s not ok.
However, he is not a good support system for you. He may never understand the pain you go through monthly, but you’ve been together for 2 years? He should know how to better support you. He probably should have learned that sometimes you just need him to be quiet and listen.
I would keep an eye on this because your period is not the only thing you’ll go through in life. Especially since you said you wanted kids? He thinks the period pain is you over-reacting? What about all of the *joys* of pregnancy – before, during, and after?
If your experience would have been more peaceful without him there, I think that’s telling. I hope there’s good parts in this relationship.
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. When you go to the gyno, please tell them everything. And if your gyno doesn’t work with you, don’t be afraid to go to another one. Also, don’t be afraid to try different BC methods.
The ER doctor told me I need to get an IUD or go on the pill after witnessing the horror that is my uterus. But it’s not as common as he makes it out to be. It’s only bad when I’m curled up in a ball, crying and screaming and vomitting and he gets in my face for one reason or another. I get overwhelmed and my immediate reaction is to yell at him. I’ve literally broke skin from clenching my fists so tight with my nails because I try to hold back and can’t. I don’t want to be mean to him, I love him and I’m not saying I’m innocent. But it’s also not fair that he tells me I’m acting “like the devil” while I’m crying in pain he will never experience. Like I just found out I have confirmed endometriosis and I’m suffering and you wanna say I’m “acting like the devil”? Because the devil doesn’t apologize and make you cinnamon rolls from scratch out of guilt😐 but I will 100% acknowledge it’s not fair I take it out on him but we live together. If he wants true horror stories of me on my period he can call my sister lmao.
ESH Him because he thinks he knows what your pain levels are like by generalizing from other women. You because while we don’t have control over our emotions and hormones, we do have control of our actions. You don’t have to follow through on the urges that your emotions are giving you. Yes, it’s hard not to be peevish when we feel bad, but it’s also not fair to our loved ones to be mean to them for something that’s not their fault.
He can be a little more understanding and you can be a little kinder.
NTA with a slight ESH but truly, deeply, I feel for you because I have PMDD. I know exactly what it’s like to feel such extreme pain and emotional turbulence. It’s really awful but now that you’ve been diagnosed, hopefully you’ll find treatment that helps you in the long term. For some people, that’s a form of birth control, but that doesn’t work for everyone. I feel quite lucky that formal birth control works perfectly well for me. It would also be worth connecting with a therapist about this if possible to help with emotional regulation around your period until you’ve found a treatment that works for you. Good luck.
You should dump him for calling you a bitch for one thing, but also you should look into things that will actually help. It is not unreasonable for someone to not want their partner screaming at them and being horrible to them every month for 5-10 days. If he provoked you in the hospital, fuck him completely, but you didn’t mention that he did.
Painkillers only do so much, obviously, but there are other options even if you want kids someday. I had horrific periods and cramps for 10 years, I got the Mirena IUD which got rid of my periods entirely. After 2 years (and nearly 2 years using zero pads/tampons) I removed it because of personal reasons, and my periods after the IUD were 3 days long, barely any cramping if any at all, and less than half as heavy as before. I don’t know if the IUD changed it for me or if all the bullshit (lead and other heavy metals) in pads/tampons really did fuck me up entirely.
I now use only a menstrual cup and liners, it’s been 2 years since I took it out, periods have never been longer than 4 days and cramps have never been anywhere close to how they were. Sometimes I need to take some naproxen, one time (unlike how I used to count down the minutes til I could take more for multiple days at a time). Highly recommend an IUD and switching off conventional period products.