Hello, this is my first time ever making a Reddit post. I have recently been getting in arguments with my fiancé about his online gaming. I am on the autism spectrum and I really struggle with plans changing on me often. My fiancé since moving in together has not made a schedule for when he’s going to be online with his friends. I’ve asked many times so I know what’s going on. He says he will but then just springs it on me right at the last second. Even this evening, I got up to go to the bathroom while we were spending time together and he decided that was the perfect time to get on his game. He claims that he can’t plan because he doesn’t know when his friends will be online. Which I really think could be fixed by simply talking to them. I don’t want him to not have time to do fun things with his friends. I just want to know ahead of time to be able to plan and anticipate. Am I the asshole for being upset with my fiancé for playing video games?
I think the ditching in the middle of hanging out would bother me a ton more than the last second plans tbh. Last second plans is inconsiderate. Ditching you in the middle of plans is straight up rude. NTA
Soft ESH, hear me out. People have lives, those lives can either be consistent or not but either way there are other lives going on. Hopping on the game with friends is not something you can just force into a schedule on a whim, BUT if he is already spending time with you he needs to learn to pass up on these gaming sessions because it isnt fair to only have these plans affect you and not ever them. Communicate that he cant just bail out when hes doing stuff with you, but do let him do his own stuff also.
I think you two have very different outlooks of what it means to spend time together. It sounds like your fiance is using it as fill-in time if his friends aren’t available to play. I think asking him to plan out play time might be too rigid, but the better thing is if you were already going to be spending time together, it shouldn’t matter if his friends came online.
You deserve someone who actually wants to spend time with you. You’re focusing on the wrong thing here, which is that it’s unplanned. It wouldn’t really matter if it was unplanned if he didn’t keep ditching you to do it, correct? Please don’t marry someone that cares this little about you. NTA btw.
I definitely don’t think you are the asshole for how you are feeling! Having autism means there will be things that bother you, but no one else. Sometimes it can be hard for other people to really understand just how much their behavior affects someone with autism. In my experience, many people with autism like to know other people’s schedule so they know what to expect and how to adjust their schedule accordingly. Have you tried explaining why it is important for you guys to try and find a compromise? I understand where he’s coming from with not knowing when his friends will be available, but I think there could be a way for you both to work something out! You aren’t the asshole for how you’re feeling. I think it’s all about how you handle those feelings.
It’s really not that hard to have set plans with friends for gaming together. My adult kids meet up online with gaming friends regularly, and I know which days and at what time they are unavailable. Because they play games as a team, it is a commitment for them so as not to let down their team. I bet the fiance could do something similar.
Tiny ESH. Instead of asking for him to warn you in advance of every time he hangs out with friends gaming (which edges close to controlling territory), you both plan and schedule dates. Those dates can be a movie or couch night, but it is time you set aside to spend time with each other. That feels like a good compromise. And if he leaves in the middle of an established date to go play games, you can decide if that’s a relationship worth sticking around for.
I mean if him playing games is TAKING AWAY, from your relationship that’s one thing, but to expect that he have a schedule for his gaming is a bit absurd. Do you have a schedule for when you’re gonna be on Reddit? Or scrolling on your phone? Idk seems odd to expect that he makes a schedule of the time he will be wanting to play his game.
Now if he’s playing it to much that it’s taking away from your relationship that’s a different issue that needs to be addressed.
YTA for wanting him to make a schedule. You say you were spending time together. But since yall live together where you just hanging out on the couch or was it a date date?
Are you actually compatible with one another?
Please think about this before going further in your plans to get married.
Maybe go to a couples counselor.
Eh, I’m leaning toward NAH. You prefer an extremely scheduled life, and he prefers a more spontaneous one. Neither is wrong, but you need to find some sort of compromise because you asking him to schedule every last hangout is no more reasonable than him springing them on you at total random.
NAH. Instead of asking for a schedule of when he intends to log in, which it sounds like he will not provide since it is spontaneous, maybe you could ask for scheduled time together
Yeah YTA. If the gaming is not impacting his responsibilities in the home and your relationship, I don’t understand why *you* need a schedule. Get a hobby to do while he games. Better yet, join in the gaming.
Is he backing out of plans already made to game? Is he still doing chores? Why are you hanging around for him to do stuff?
You can live together and still keep hobbies and independence. I think you should seek marriage counselling to see of you both are actually compatible.
Yta people dont have to tiptoe around you. Thats what coping skills are for
NAH, yet.
You get to ask for things, like for him to make a schedule. He gets to say yes or no to those requests, and why– which he did. You get to have feelings when your request doesn’t go the way you want. Feelings are always valid.
It’s down to what comes next:
Now you know that he can’t accommodate your desire for him to schedule his gaming, and why– his friends’ schedules are too spontaneous, so that doesn’t work. It’s up to you to decide what you want to do with that knowledge. You can try to figure out if there’s another request you can make within that context that will still allow your needs to be met– maybe you and your partner can schedule time together where he agrees not to game, and that will satisfy your need for predictability while still leaving him open for spontaneous gaming the rest of the time– you can try to live with things as they are, or you can decide that you can’t live with it and you can break up. All of those are reasonable options, and will not make you TA.
What would not be reasonable would be things like trying to insist on the request, lashing out, expressing your feelings destructively, stuff like that. All feelings are valid, but not all behaviors are. (There’s obviously no indication that you’ve done any of those things! I’m just laying them out in contrast to the above.) Similarly, if he gets angry with you for trying to problem-solve, or for even making the request in the first place, or if he lashes out at you, that would make him TA.