Hello. I work with someone who we will call Neal, over the past year we have become close and have been emotionally supportive of each other. We are both gay men and there has been feelings involved that were more than just colleagues. Recently my colleague told me that we text too much and that we needed to cut back on it as it was giving the wrong ideas to both parties and confused things. I pulled back as I had already been getting increasingly annoyed with him due to what I perceived as one sided therapy sessions. After that discussion he had texted me every single day about something work related or what was bothering him, but once again only things that were about him. Finally the other day I asked him when he had been texting me all night about our discussion and said “ I’m just really confused you told me on nye we should text less you said it complicates things and we text more than everyone you know and it feels like we are dating when we are not. So I’ve been doing less texting and talking and everyday since you’ve been texting me, I’m not complaining, but help me out here with what you want ? I absolutely enjoy our time and texting together and maybe it’s just one of those complicated things we can’t talk about. “ He responded the next day with : “it’s been good the last week, I know this sounds dumb, but what if you let me dictate what I want our friendship to look like. Like when you pulled back I texted you and chose to have lunch with you even though you didn’t ask. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by you being around me a lot , so this would let me interact as much as I think is good for me and your friendship. So keep doing what you’re doing and I’ll find the balance.” I immediately blocked him and now work is becoming increasingly awkward as we are speaking very plainly and it has not been discussed yet and I am starting to feel maybe I could be overreacting. Am I the asshole?
yes
ESH. An immediate block is a lot for this situation, but I totally emphasize because I finished that message from him and thought “I think the fuck not”—which your block symbolized.
But yeah, you should communicate like an adult and tell him you’re cutting off all the non-work related contact. He’s being very self centered and not considering you as a whole human.
NTA. “What if you let me dictate what our friendship will look like” is absolutely wild. I don’t understand why you need to just be there as he tunes everything as per his mood. Although, how would you communicate about work if you block him? Are you only switching to emails?
In person or on Teams. ;). I’ve kept it very professional this far, but I’m sensing the awkward
Esh- i would communicate to him that he doesn’t dictate squat n that it will be better if yins are just colleagues again
ESH. He is hallucinating if this is his understanding of friendship. And you also went to block him without even saying this doesn’t work for you which is not ok either.
ESH. you overreacted with an immediate block and they suck at relationships. or I guess you both do really just in different ways it seems.
Full disclaimer, I had mentioned before how I was struggling with feeling as if he only talked to me when it was convenient for him as recent as the previous week and I decided that after telling him a dozen times how I felt it didn’t seem worth it any longer to have a discussion with someone who wasn’t actively listening.
I think keep this ‘relationship’ professional. Seems like the other one keeps it whatever they’re feeling on that day. They want to say yes, then no, then let them decide what the boundaries are? Do they care how you feel?
Very messy sounding to me .
NTA he sounds like a controlling person
NTA- but you should use your words instead of blocking, particularly since you’re colleagues. It could’ve been as simple as “it feels like everything is about you and on your terms, and that’s not going to work for me. I wish you will but I’m going to keep things strictly professional from here on out”