My (M/29) friend got engaged last year, we’ll call her Mary(F/29). She found a good man and we were all happy for her.
This happened at the same time that I was having a heartbreaking end to friendships within the shared friend group of Mary and I
3 Years ago an old friend joined into this social circle- we’ll call her Dana(F/29). It began as deep, rekindled friendship but rapidly turned into me falling in love with Dana. Completely onesided, and I knew that from the start. I stupidly told myself that the crush was just rebounding feelings from my recent relationship and would fade, but it only grew stronger. If I could go back I would have told her from the start how I was feeling and we could have talked less, kept an emotional distance, maybe have saved the friendship. But here we are.
After a year I was painfully in love with Dana and couldnt move on. I was already going to be stepping away from socializing so often with this group for unrelated reasons but Id be lying if I said Dana wasn’t the final nail in that coffin. I confessed how I felt, told her it wasn’t fair to her for having kept this a secret, told her that it was too hard to watch her continue to choose dating the same Ahole (everyone in group agreed he wasn’t good for her, this one isnt ego talking), and that I couldn’t keep our friendship together anymore.
It went surprisingly well. We both cried, we had a few sad laughs, the convo ended gently enough but she didnt hide her heartbreak. We truly had grown close within a single year and I take full responsibility for her pain and my actions
Dana told our mutual friend, Sam(FtM/28), about me and he refused to speak to me out of anger. It took 4 months of waiting before he was willing to talk to me. After talking I learned Sam was also in love with Dana but had already turned him down, and Sam was talking behind my back to the group. I believe Sam thought if he made me look evil enough, Dana might fall for his "Knight In Shining Armor" act.
After talking, Sam said he’s too angry to speak to me and he’d reach out when ready.
*I waited a year*, and I reached out to him. During a phonecall he insulted me, played victim, and blamed me for not reaching out sooner. I ended the friendship there.
Through ALL this, Mary stayed quiet. Then listed Sam and Dana as part of her bridal party (BP). Shortly after, Mary and I talked about her wedding plans and Mary said she was unsure about inviting me and wanted her BP to be part of the final say. Thinking Dana and Sam were going to start shit at Mary’s wedding, I told Mary that it is her day, if it eases her fears of conflict she doesnt have to invite me and i still stand by that.
Last week Mary sent a message: "I hope you know that even though I couldn’t invite you today, you are still a good friend to me"
***COULD*** Not? "DIDNT" id be OK with but let Sam twist your arm like that, or play it off like you had no say. Is my anger justified?
AITA?
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My (M/29) friend got engaged last year, we’ll call her Mary(F/29). She found a good man and we were all happy for her.
This happened at the same time that I was having a heartbreaking end to friendships within the shared friend group of Mary and I
3 Years ago an old friend joined into this social circle- we’ll call her Dana(F/29). It began as deep, rekindled friendship but rapidly turned into me falling in love with Dana. Completely onesided, and I knew that from the start. I stupidly told myself that the crush was just rebounding feelings from my recent relationship and would fade, but it only grew stronger. If I could go back I would have told her from the start how I was feeling and we could have talked less, kept an emotional distance, maybe have saved the friendship. But here we are.
After a year I was painfully in love with Dana and couldnt move on. I was already going to be stepping away from socializing so often with this group for unrelated reasons but Id be lying if I said Dana wasn’t the final nail in that coffin. I confessed how I felt, told her it wasn’t fair to her for having kept this a secret, told her that it was too hard to watch her continue to choose dating the same Ahole (everyone in group agreed he wasn’t good for her, this one isnt ego talking), and that I couldn’t keep our friendship together anymore.
It went surprisingly well. We both cried, we had a few sad laughs, the convo ended gently enough but she didnt hide her heartbreak. We truly had grown close within a single year and I take full responsibility for her pain and my actions
Dana told our mutual friend, Sam(FtM/28), about me and he refused to speak to me out of anger. It took 4 months of waiting before he was willing to talk to me. After talking I learned Sam was also in love with Dana but had already turned him down, and Sam was talking behind my back to the group. I believe Sam thought if he made me look evil enough, Dana might fall for his “Knight In Shining Armor” act.
After talking, Sam said he’s too angry to speak to me and he’d reach out when ready.
*I waited a year*, and I reached out to him. During a phonecall he insulted me, played victim, and blamed me for not reaching out sooner. I ended the friendship there.
Through ALL this, Mary stayed quiet. Then listed Sam and Dana as part of her bridal party (BP). Shortly after, Mary and I talked about her wedding plans and Mary said she was unsure about inviting me and wanted her BP to be part of the final say. Thinking Dana and Sam were going to start shit at Mary’s wedding, I told Mary that it is her day, if it eases her fears of conflict she doesnt have to invite me and i still stand by that.
Last week Mary sent a message: “I hope you know that even though I couldn’t invite you today, you are still a good friend to me”
***COULD*** Not? “DIDNT” id be OK with but let Sam twist your arm like that, or play it off like you had no say. Is my anger justified?
AITA?
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Just tell no it’s fine you didn’t invite me. Then take the money you would have spent on a gift get her something cheaper and go do something nice for yourself. When they ask what you are doing say a spa weekend or travelling to somewhere you have always wanted to go. So if she changes her mind you are already busy
ESH
I can understand all sides… But, did you expect a different outcome? You decided to let your feelings grow despite her being taken already. You didn’t address them before hand. Why did Dana have to know at all? If she was already dating someone, what other outcome would there be? You only hurt a friend by doing this. Your feelings are YOUR responsibility and not hers.
Sam sucks because he totally got this all twisted and bent out of shape. He talked badly about you and who knows, maybe he was part of the reason you didn’t get invited. His actions weren’t great.
Mary is one I’m on the fence about. She could have spoken up for you, but I can understand that perhaps she didn’t want to get involved. As for the wedding, maybe she didn’t feel she could invite you because of the drama and the potential for drama? I mean you said you had some pretty intense feelings toward Dana, and maybe she didn’t want to possibly rekindle that? I don’t know, but I still think there must be some way you could be included.
In the end though, a lot of this could have been avoided if you had dealt with your feelings sooner and kept your mouth shut. If a girl is with someone already, not much good comes of going and confessing to them! It just causes drama.
You’re definitely NTA for any of this. Sharing your feelings with a friend you’re in love with is ok as long is you don’t put them in a difficult situation or give them an ultimatum. She didnt feel the same way towards you so you stepped away, which is also fine and probably best for your own emotional sanity.
Sam just sounds like an all around asshole. I’m not sure why he got so upset you shared your feelings with Dana though, since she doesn’t feel the same. I could see him getting upset if you two got together, but that wasn’t the the case. It sounds like he has been badmouthing you to the bridal party and manipulating Mary.
You have every right to feel mad and any other emotion. But, at least for now, you need to keep most of those emotions to yourself. Planning a wedding is really stressful and Mary shouldn’t have to deal with this drama that she’s not really a part of. You could maybe send her a message saying how you being excluded is hurtful and explain the dynamic with Dana and Sam, but try not to frame it as her fault.
YTA for falling for Dana knowing she wasn’t interested in you and then professing your love for her. Not sure why you pursued friendship with Sam. You certainly know that she blew up your friendships within the group.
Kudos to you for letting Mary off the hook. Now do the best thing you can do for everyone including you, go NC will all these people and make new friends.