I am 25m and married to 24f, here is the backstory. We live in the UK and my wife’s family made plans to have a christmas visit to edinburgh on the 20th/21st Dec this year. My wife got confused by the dates and mistakenly thought that that was booked for the weekend of 13th/14th Dec. We therefore told my parents that we would come visit them for the holidays on the weekend of 20th/21st.
As soon as my wife realised the mistake, on the 29th Nov, I messaged my mum to change the plans and offered to come on the 13th/14th or after christmas instead. She is now very hurt and refuses to see us apart from the 20th/21st.
Sorry it’s quite complicated. My wife’s parents live aboard and they are only arriving back in the country on the 14th Dec. We have only seen them in July this year and have therefore prioritised their plans after our mistake. We have seen my family at least 6 times across this year.
I feel terrible and have apologised so many times to my mum in particular. But she doesn’t take any apologies and it feels like she continues to emotionally blackmail me. Saying things like ‘you never think about my feelings’, ‘I’ve done enough crying this week’, ‘you’ve really hurt all of us’.
I understand that it is hurtful and we are so sorry about that. But as I said we’ve offered 2 other options to see them. She also feels that we deliberately give more time to my wife’s family over them.
I should also say that me and my mum have a history of conflict and arguments from when I was child and I often feel that she rarely listens to me and how I feel. Especially now that I’m an adult.
We both work full time, my wife is working up to christmas eve and I am working 3 out of 7 days between christmas and new year. We don’t drive and it is a very expensive and long train, especially at this time of year and we live 200 miles away.
We have decided this year to have christmas day to ourselves for the first time.
So am I the asshole for changing christmas plans based on a mistake we made?
NTA – any reasonable person would accept your apology and accept that this was a genuine mistake and not deliberate.
NTA
You have a very reasonable explanation for your change. It was a scheduling misunderstanding involving other family who it is much rarer to see.
After “sorry for the misunderstanding” you should ignore mom’s complaints … and if she still can’t let go, you can then tell her you cannot change plans back and if she can’t let this go it’d be best not to see her at all.
Ask her to choose.
NTA. Sometimes plans change; that’s life. Your mother needs to loosen up. You didn’t do anything wrong besides after the original miscommunication
NTA
“Mum, I’ve explained this honest mistake several times. As it seems as though you will not accept it, then we won’t make any arrangements to see you over the holidays. Perhaps we can visit in the new year.”
Think of how nice it will be for you to stay home and cozy instead of a slogging train ride where your reward at the other end will be histrionics and baseless accusations.
Fine, we’ll see you in 2026.
I’m embarrassed for your mother, such gringe. NTA at all
NTA. It was a mistake. Stop apologizing. That just makes her feel more entitled. There was no malicious intent. You can say things like I am sorry you feel that way but not just I’m sorry the dates got messed up. Enjoy your non traveling Christmas this year. Happy Holiday
NTA. She’s definitely emotionally blackmailing you. My mom does it all the time. “Oh I didn’t want to be a bother”. I don’t put up with it.
NTA. You have gone above and beyond to rectify the mistake by offering several workable alternatives.
In-laws are coming from out of the country. Definitely see them and enjoy your time with a free conscience.
Mom is being manipulative. Let her stew in her own selfish mess. If she wants to cancel the whole event with her, let her. It’s well past time she grew up.
Your mother is manipulating you.
I see why she is disappointed, but it sounds like she gets more time anyway.
“Mum, I’m really sorry about the mistake, I understand you’re disappointed, but I can’t tolerate this kind of treatment. When you can discuss alternative days calmly, let me know, we’ll let you process everything.”
And don’t call, don’t apologise anymore, don’t beg, don’t grovel. Just let her talk to you. If she tries more manipulation, “I’m sorry this is how you choose to communicate. It is best we skip the holidays.” Then stand behind that, don’t let her get away with bad behaviour because you’re just reinforcing it that way.
NTA. A mistake was made, you provided options. Your mom is throwing a tantrum. You MIGHT try another talk. “Mom, I get that you are upset and that is understandable. This was an honest mistake and we would like to see you and the family. We still have X dates available.” After she cries and accuses and gets upset, follow it with “Mom do you think pushing back on me like this is going to make us closer? You are making it really unpleasant to interact with you right now and maybe more space is the solution unless we can learn to interact in a healthy way. The ball is in your court.”
Your mother’s behavior is genuinely shameful. Stop trying to appease her and drop the rope. She is 100% emotionally terrorizing you. Tell her that’s fine, we’ll see you next year sometime and refuse to engage further. She’s treating you like a child and unfortunately you’re still kind of acting like one with her in the way you’re trying to placate her. Stop tolerating her absurd behavior.
NTA – I have a MIL like that. She can’t see anything other than her own misery and tries to guilt trip everyone into doing her bidding.
You guys got the dates wrong, you told her as soon as you knew.
Honestly I can’t understand why she seems so hurt by it but it’s hard to understand people like that.