Hello Reddit,
I am a 25(F) and I had a now exboyfriend 28(M) of 9 months and I have been thinking if it is really the norm for accepting man and boys as the way they are.
In the first 2 months everything was fine with him as we shared common interest like travelling, going out, having social life etc. But after that I realized that he started to let himself go in a lot of terms, especially when he was with me. He didn’t have a skill to handle usual "manly" task like hit a nail in the wall etc., but it was okay for me because I would prefer to move the lawn in the garden instead of cooking tbh. I consider myself very independent. The thing is..he couldn’t cook, do domestic staff when he was with me. He was only eating pasta, until I told him that is not healthy so he learned to cook other things. Nevertheless he was always saying to me that he is going to sign me up to cooking class. Mind you he made a soup out of a porridge mix breakfast that needed only hot water because he couldn’t do it. Then I realized I am even better "chef" than him. When he visited, I had things to do in the city I told him to grab some lunch in the meantime. Mind you he could not comprehend that I had 2 keys for the front door and the apartmant door. They are normal keys. (I explained to him before) And he could not get in. He was waiting for me 1 hour to go back and open the door.
He is travelling with his friend every month, but when he travelled with me he literally couldn’t read a map and I had to take care of everything.
Every time we went to a bar with friends and went for drinks he literally sperated from me and went behind all my friend for him to just get his drink and not mine. My friend invited him for a drink that he happily accepted. With the same night I have been pushed on the dancefloor by guys because there were many people. As they were pushing me, he was seeing it and holding my hand as emotional support.But at this moment I wished somebody would backed me up. I had to tell alone to the others not to push me.
I was saying to myself that at least he is not toxic, he communicates well, he is trying to improve his skills (every week there was a new skill issue he couldn’t do)…but I was literally exhausted being with him as I had to take care of everything (mentally:preparing, organizing, making him advices etc.) Thinking back, I was literally training him how to be a boyfriend. Honestly I was thinking,how will he take care of a baby if we are a family in the future.. So I eventually broke up with him but I wish I did sooner. My mind is finally not overwhelmed.
The most annoying things to all this that almost all my friends and family were saying to me that but he is nice at least, everybody can have mistakes, issues.. They said I don’t have patience. How is it so accepted for men to be this incompetent?
I am the asshole for not having the patience for teaching a man how to be a boyfriend?
NTA, intentional incompetence is a thing that lazy men do so their partners will take care of them. Find someone who’s an equal partner, not a passenger. (Speaking as a male who has seen friends’ marriages)
NTA. A 28-year-old that can’t cook, hammer a nail into a wall, read a map, or figure out how to open a lock with a key? No thank you. Whether male or female, those are the most basic of abilities. This dude is either lazy or stupid. Why would you want to be with a man you have to mother?
NTA. It’s really shitty having to do basic stuff for a man who is pushing 30. The key situation is wild. Like why didn’t he try every key until he got in?
Um, he wanted to sign you up for cooking classes, not him? Doesn’t spend time with you on a date, and conveniently forgets how locks and maps work? You need an adult, he wasn’t one yet. NTA.
NTA. He is 28. Old enough to understand how to be an adult.
You did the right thing, hon. He was just waiting for another mommy to come along and look after him. Girlfriend mommy. Ugh, it’s so creepy.
NTA – It’s ok you didn’t want to continue the relationship, when I was single I was definitely looking for someone who was my equal in terms of household capabilities. I’ve gone out with people who barely knew how a washing machine worked and ended things quite soon after. You don’t have to keep seeing someone if you’re not into it.
That said – men and women are both complex, and as individuals we have strengths and weaknesses. I’d urge you not to enter into relationships where you feel you need to change the person somehow to make it work. There are things I’m better at than my husband, and vice versa. If I belittle him for things he’s not good at, what’s to stop him belittling me for things I’m not good at? What good does that do for either of us?
I’m just going off the title – no
We need to just let natural selection do its thing with these types.
NTA WTF? He couldn’t even unlock a door. Noooo you had a toddler not a man. He needs to teach himself how to adult. That’s wildly exhausting and… what?! How did he make it to almost 30 like this?
This is the kind of realization that has given rise to angry men on incel sites.
They’ve been entitled to women for generations, with intentional incompetence when it comes to cleaning, cooking, childcare, elder care and the like. In the olden days, women held poorly paying jobs (it’s still less but better) and could not hold bank accounts. And they didn’t swing hammers. In today’s world, they can watch a YouTube video or hire someone to fix the fence. And there is less stigma involved in never marrying. Men need to get it together, as sheer entitlement doesn’t work anymore.
Hence the new culture war: keep them barefoot and pregnant versus holding men to higher standards or even staying single.
NTA, you wanted a boyfriend, not an adult sized child. Being nice doesn’t excuse being absolutely incompetent and a burden to your partner, and you are spot on that it’s idiotic of society to push the idea of women constantly having to baby their men into functioning human beings. We are not free second moms or therapists. You did the right thing in leaving him
NTA – You ain’t his momma
NTA that’s weaponized incompetence