I’ve been in a friend group that’s all guys for almost 3 years. I really liked the vibe because it was a space where I could be fully comfortable, unfiltered, and just relax. It felt like an escape from school and other social pressure.
Earlier this year, a girl we know from school joined our Discord server just to play games, which was fine. But in the past couple of months, she’s been joining our voice chats more often, even when we’re just talking. At this point, she’s basically part of the group, and everyone else likes her.
The issue is that the dynamic has changed. We’ve had to adjust our jokes and how we talk for decency, which I understand, but it makes the server feel more like school now. The whole reason I liked this group was because I *didn’t* have to filter myself.
No one else is complaining, they understand my point but are still happy she’s around. She’s also developed a crush on someone in the group, which makes things feel even more different.
I’m not mad at her, and I don’t think she’s doing anything wrong. I just feel like I lost the one space where I could fully be myself.
AITA for feeling this way?
(we do not make sexist or racist jokes. It’s hard to reply to everyone and it’s quite literally my first time chatting on reddit so I don’t really know how to like tell everyone in this post HAHA. But we do not make racist or sexist jokes. We make really childish jokes (like we would joke about having a boner) and she just gets turned off. Thanks for giving me the benefit of the doubt.
Edit: Thank you for all your responses and cause of your guys’ responses I realized what are some of my faults that I have! Just for context to add for new responses. We have 13 guys in total (basically a discord server) and there’s just one girl in the group.
If you are uncomfortable saying it around a friend, regardless of their gender, you shouldn’t be saying it at all. The fact you feel the need to censor yourself tells me you know whatever you are saying is wrong.
Just stop filtering yourself…nothing here suggests you have to do something like that.
What sort of foul “jokes” are you saying that you have to censor yourself around her?
NAH. It’s just part of growing up. Your friends are evolving.
It is called growing up.
You entitle to your feelings. But things change. You either adapt to it or find a new group of friends.
YTA
It’s a group. Everyone else wants her there. You need to accept that.
It will also make your life soooo much easier in the future if you start building genuin friendships with girls too. (For women I’m of the same opinion)
Here’s the way I look at it. If you have things that you wouldn’t feel comfortable saying in front of the new woman, maybe you should consider if you should be saying those things at all. A lot of people hold sexist beliefs without even realizing it. Sexism and racism as well for that matter are basically cooked into who we are as people. We have inherent biases. In order to get rid of those ideas, we have to examine ourselves and actively work on that.
Take advantage of this opportunity; life will put you in many situations like this. Adapt; you’re lucky it’s just one girl and not a whole group of people.
I’m telling you this because as a teenager I was very tribal, and the appearance of a new member in my group used to make me nervous. In the end, all those people who appeared became friends.
The world is constantly changing, and it’s not going to stop for you. You can do it.
YTA
If you feel unable to be “fully comfortable, and filtered, and relaxed” just because there is a woman present, you’re an AH. Women aren’t an alien species that doesn’t understand human customs and interactions.
If the jokes and comments you were making before are not appropriate to say in front of women, that means you *know* those jokes/comments are inappropriate, the only difference is that now you have someone there that you feel will call you on it. Again, this makes you an AH.
> We’ve had to adjust our jokes and how we talk for decency… I just feel like I lost the one space where I could fully be myself.
I think the real crux is why you feel like you have to adjust this behavior. Is your “true self” somehow inherently offensive or threatening to **any** woman? If that’s the case, you need to do some serious self-examination. Are you just unused to having female friends and the very fact you are around a woman makes you uncomfortable? That’s half of all people, you need to learn how to be comfortable around women. You will be doing it for the rest of your life.
YTA. Either way, just avoiding all women is not a solution and kicking her out of the group for her gender would be an asshole move. You need to get to the core of what makes you uncomfortable and address it for yourself, not lash out at others.
YTA – the fact that you need a private space AWAY from women for your ‘jokes’ should tell you that you should stop making these jokes 🙄
If you have to change yourself that much because a girl joined the group, you were already an asshole. Take this as an opportunity to become a decent human. YTA
YTA. If fully being yourself means not being a decent person, maybe you should adjust that.
I understand the desire to have a guy group for some reasons, but the way you’ve described things, sounds like you want to make crass jokes or comments that are douchey with impunity because it’s “just the guys.”