My husband and I lost our first dog this past spring. For 17 years my husband described her as his soul animal. 50 lbs of pure mutt black lab(ish) joy.
When our first fur baby was 5, we rescued another dog. She is the complete opposite of our first, 100+ lbs of big goofy lazy energy. She is a guard dog, wary of all people and animals.
Our two dogs for the past 12 years tolerated each other a like/dislike relationship. Our second dog has required a lot of work, especially to introduce her to new people and new animals. Not every time has been successful. She does well at boarding. We love her, so we put in the hard work.
Months ago we had discussed that primarily due to our dog aging and her minor aggressive behavior towards new people and new dogs it would not be a good idea to bring in a new dog at this time. Especially a puppy. On top of this, we have a fairly busy schedule with our 10 year old child and their sports. If ykyk with hockey life in the Midwest.
Yesterday I came home and my husband told me he put in an application for an 8 week old puppy, provided references, references were checked, and we were approved. We could pick up the puppy in 2 days after a meet n’ greet.
I asked about all the things we previously discussed. What the plan was for introducing the dogs? Who was going to take care of the puppy? You can’t leave that young of puppy alone for very long. Only 1-2 hours at his current age and then 1 hour for every month old after 3 months. What about literally 5 days from now when we will be gone for a minimum of 4 hours for hockey? He coaches.
We have holiday parties and more hockey tournaments coming up. We can’t leave him alone for that many hours and can’t board him until at least 4 months (I would prefer longer). We don’t have family who can watch our dog(s) and our second dog, now a senior at 13, has her routine by now.
This clearly means a lot to him. He said he feels like he has a hole in his heart. He was really emotional about it. We talked for an hour about how he is feeling. He wasn’t this adamant about his feelings previously. I have had a hard line in the sand, no additional dog until we lose our second dog. He feels I made that decision without considering his feelings and how much this means to him. He felt a connection to this dog.
He didn’t have answers to my concerns. I offered some ideas as I feel terrible and was trying to talk it out. I said I would be willing to compromise and look to get a new dog in the spring. The hectic hockey and holidays would be over. Family vacation over. Weather would be warmer for caring for the frequent outdoor needs of a puppy. In addition, we would be able to prep the house and plan better.
He did apologize and say he shouldn’t have made this decision unilaterally and without my knowledge or input.
Emotionally I am a wreck. I love dogs, but I am also practical, maybe too much so?? I want my husband to be happy. I would love another dog. AITA and cold hearted?
NTA. you have reasonable points you’re making about the new puppy. I feel like he’s grieving and isn’t thinking clearly. I don’t think you are wrong at all. I feel like he did disregard your perfect reasoning and that’s not okay. I don’t agree with him saying you didn’t consider his feelings because you have to think clearly for you two. Both of yall can’t fall apart. Even though I don’t think he’s an AH because of his grief , he wasn’t the only one who lost a dog or the only one he has to consider.
>He said he feels like he has a hole in his heart. He was really emotional about it
He’s trying to fill that void with a new dog, when what he needs is time.
And speaking of time, as you noted, this is a terrible time for a high maintenance puppy.
Maybe he should talk to a grief counselor? You said this was the first time he had really opened up. Sounds like he’s been bottled up for a while, since the spring when your old pup passed.
NTA
Agree. What he needs is some time to sit with his grief and see what life is like with only one dog. We had two small dogs that were brothers. They both had the same heart defect and died within 2 years of each other (at 8 and 10). Each passing was so devastating, I still can’t think of them without crying. My wife and I agreed not to get anymore pets for a long time since we have small kids and a hectic life — it wouldn’t be fair for any new dog to enter our family now. What we’ve discovered is that while we miss our dogs dearly, we are also truly appreciating the liberation of not having to come home early to walk the dog, being able to travel, no vet fees, etc.
Tell him to give it some time and to take all that love that he had for his first dog and put it into the second because dogs don’t live forever. They all deserve to be loved as much as we are able. We are their whole world.
NAH.
I’d say your husband is a little bit of an AH for going against the plan, but I don’t have the heart.
But you need to stand firm. He needs to figure out REAL ANSWERS to the questions you posed. Who is going to coach the team while your family stays home with the new puppy? Which of HIS FRIENDS is going to pet-sit? Which of you can work from home to train the puppy properly?
And does he REALLY want his new dog to be a maladjusted mess from being neglected?
NTA.
>What the plan was for introducing the dogs? Who was going to take care of the puppy?
These are important questions to answer before getting a new pet.
>He didn’t have answers to my concerns
And that is very concerning.
>He feels I made that decision without considering his feelings and how much this means to him.
This is ironic since he was going to do the same thing to you.
>He did apologize and say he shouldn’t have made this decision unilaterally and without my knowledge or input.
I mean, I’m happy he apologized, but he’s still an AH for going this far without making a plan or communicating. OP, you are NTA and you saved yourself (and probably your husband too) from a lot of stress.
He’s grieving a family member. And like many grieving people, he tries to mend the wound with a puppy band aid.
But in your case you have a lot of reasons why this will NOT work out. A 2 months old puppy needs a lot of training, which neither of you can provide.
If the puppy isn’t what your hubby is expecting, is puppy then discarded?
Everything under the sun has its time. But this is not the time for a new baby.
NTA. It’s absolutely wild that your husband would agree that you guys won’t get another dog, and then go behind your back to start the process of adopting another dog. If he realized he needed another dog, he should have come to you with that before looking at dogs, so you guys could come up with a plan together.
Do not adopt this dog. Tell him you guys can discuss this over the next month or two, and when you have agreed on a plan, then adopting a dog will be on the table.
NTA Your husband is being unrealistic.
You are 100% in the right here. You are thinking like a responsible dog owner who intends to give their dog a good life. Full Stop.
You husband intends to get this dog for his own needs. That is not inherently wrong except that in his case, he thought of nothing and no one else, least of all…the dog.
I hope you don’t get too much negativity from your actions. NTA.
NTA. I completely understand where he’s coming from, but it sounds like your family isn’t in the place in your lives for a puppy even if your second dog had passed. You’re realistic. Puppies need a lot of work and a lot of attention. Is there a compromise to be had here? Maybe instead of a puppy, an adult rescue, maybe even a senior dog? They need homes, too. They are already trained and their personalities are evident, not something necessarily true with a puppy.
Ouch.
He appears to be grieving. I have no doubt he feels like he has a hole in his heart or that his feelings around this are very real. I also have no doubt that he wants these feelings to stop.
You are not an AH for holding reality in place while he works his way through what he is feeling. It is not an easy job though. Grieving can be a bit of a monster sometimes and there has been many a person who has had to keep the ship stable when their family member has lost a spouse or friend. It’s painful holding reality in front of someone when they are looking for a bolt hole.
It must also be hard when you are also experiencing a loss.
Be kind to each other. Sorry this is happening.
NTA
NTA. He is a grown ass man with a wife and a child – he doesn’t get to put his feelings above the actual well-being of that family, his existing pet AND the new puppy. He wants to make ALL of of those miserable in order to give himself happy puppy time. Old dogs HATE having a puppy in the house and he is looking at making his existing dog, who he claims to love, unhappy and jealous and cranky for it’s golden years.
My parents always had two dogs, and got a new puppy when the older one died, leaving a cranky older dog super resentful there was a new puppy around – then the new puppy would get super attached to the old dog and be DEVASTATED when the older dog died. It was horrible to watch every time, beginning to end. Your husband is being so selfish. He has commitments and he needs to honor them, instead of giving this puppy probably a real shitty childhood being left home alone all the time.
And the fact that he went behind your back because he knew it was a bad idea, just so he could spring it on you last minute and make you the bad guy for saying no is so immature and just the very dictionary definition of that dad who does none of the mental or emotional labor and expects his wife to solve all the problems he creates. He owes you so much more than a reluctant apology after making the entire thing about himself. Do not get a spring puppy! Put the older dog first and send your husband to therapy!
NTA
He absolutely should not have made this decision without you. I think he did it on purpose hoping you’d cave with the short timeline. That’s not partnership; it’s manipulation.
NTA. Hubby should not have done this without consulting with you. It’s good you two had a heart to heart talk, finally. You were reasonable in saying to revisit this in the Spring. That will give your husband time to address your concerns in case you get a 2nd dog. Best wishes.