hello everyone I come here to see if im totally in the wrong or if im justified in my decisions. buckle up because this one is a woozy. For some background my husband is Hispanic and I’m white. Me and my husband have been married for 5 years and together for 9. we have 3 kids, 2 of them are with him and I have 1 daughter from a previous relationship. He loves them all equally and has never given me a reason to make me think otherwise. Me and my MIL have always had a decent relationship but the language barrier has always made conversations a little difficult from anything surface level. she is very old-school Mexican in her way of thinking and not really showing emotions to her grandkids and always lecturing us about how we need to stop babying the kids and how we are to nice to then etc.
The other day my husband was going over to visit his mom and dad and my daughter said that she didn’t want to go and she would rather stay home. My husband asked her if she really didnt want to go and she said yes and then my husband said okay and she stayed home with me (i didnt go because I was going to stay back k and clean the house and also just have some me time). After a while me and my daughter were sitting on the couch watching some TV and she was telling me how she feels that her grandma(from my husbands side) doesnt love her and loves her little brothers more. she was sobbing while telling me this. my heart broke for her. I decided next time I was going to talk to her about it and maybe clear this up. Well the conversation went sideways so quick before I could even understand what was happening. when I started talking to her I said "hey grandma daughter thinks that you dont love her and how you prefer the two little ones over her" she looked me in the face and said "I love them all the same but if you would to teach that one to behave and be more affections towards people I would be nicer to her". I was shocked. my daughter is a little shy just in general but I never knew that someone would hold that against her. also for her to talk about how she wnats my daughter to be more loving to her while she is a cold wall of no emotions other than scolding the kids throws me for a loop. we left it at that I told my husband we had to go and went back home. I decided then and there that my MIL would not see my grandkids and that she should really see a therapist before she causes more emotional damage to my kids. I talked to my husband about this and he is totally okay with it (he himself has seen a therapist and has found out a lot about how his childhood was damaging to him and how things he thought were normal were very much not and were mildly damaging to his psyche.) So am I blowing this out of proportion or am I just in my decisions?
You are not – blowing this out of proportion. You are protecting your child from feeling like she has to compete for love.
And the fact that your husband is on board after unpacking his own childhood? That’s even more telling. This isn’t new behavior.
If MIL can’t reflect, apologize, and genuinely change, then yeah, access to the kids gets limited. Protecting your daughter’s mental health matters more than grandma’s feelings.
Kids remember who made them feel small. You’re doing the right thing by not letting that continue.
Worst part, I talked to her about going to therapy and she said that she has no reason to go to therapy because she isnt “crazy”
what a great statement “Kids remember who made them feel small.”. I’ve never heard it before, so thank you for imparting your knowledge to this random person.
NTA and I think your husband’s reaction tells you that.
If the MIL can’t show a grandmother’s love to her grand kids, then it can be emotionally damaging.
It’s not like you’ve said “never again” either. You just want MIL to get help to treat her grand kids right.
My husband is sad about the situation himself and really is heartbroken but is very understanding that his kids come first and that his mother is very much hurting the grandkids feelings
NTA. Grandma is emotionally immature and is treating her relationships with her grandkids based on what she feels she’s getting out of it and thinks the children need to do the work for her affection.
NTA.
I’ve been this kid, the one left out even though I’m blood related to my dad’s mom. It really damaged me but I grew up to understand she won’t change and that she picked the ones she liked and rubbed on my face as many times as she could.
Bare in mind, I’m the first born grandkid and only granddaughter. My grandparents had 3 sons. She never wanted a daughter (or granddaughter) I was told many times. My parents didn’t step up and the abuse continued. I, at the age of 13, said no more. And haven’t spoken to her since. I’m in my late 30s. Best decision I could’ve made.
Edit: she also protected the person who sa’d me at the age of 8. I was physically abused by her and no one did a thing to help me. Don’t let that happen to your daughter.
Also be ready to face A LOT of criticism. People will tell you to be the bigger person, even if you’re wronged.
I’m not sure if it matters, but I’m Latina. And in my culture men are more well liked in comparison to women.
NTA. I’m glad your husband is on your side on this.
NTA. Listen to your kids when they say they are uncomfortable around relatives. Don’t force them or they will not trust you anymore.
I removed my parents and family from my daughter’s life before we even adopted her from China. They were toxic to me and extremely racist. I did not want them around my daughter.
Best decision.
The fact that your husband is on board with this tells me everything I need to know. You’ve done the right thing
NTA—MIL doesn’t understand that a child won’t warm up to a cold disciplinarian. If she is actually treating your younger two kids the same way, they will probably also stop being affectionate towards her as they grow up to be more conscious of her coldness. And if she’s treating them better than your oldest, well, none of your kids need that blatant favoritism in their life.
NTA. It takes A LOT for a child to be open like that about how an adult makes them feel. You’re doing the right thing by listening to your daughter and then trying to address it separately with the adult in question. The fact that she was not mortified that your daughter feels how she feels and blamed a child says a lot about her. Your husband is backing you up because he knows you’re right.
Not showing emotions to grandkids is not old school Mexican. Latinas are many things, but emotionally inhibited is not typical.
Mexican here! Kids having manners is a very big deal in our culture. You’re expected from a very young age to respectfully greet everyone with hugs and kisses. Showing respect and love to your elders is very much a big deal. The kids who don’t do that are called “Mal criados” or badly raised. It’s very much an old school thing. The younger generation isn’t really following those steps. With that said, grandma is acting very childish and cruel. Her words were cruel and she is expecting some groveling here because she’s the one to be respected – in her mind. She should really overcome her ego and accept that your daughter is shy. I see this as a cultural clash where the matriarch is being stubborn, and her family is accepting of it. Conversations and understanding needs to happen on both sides – grandma needs to understand to love above all else and your daughter understand that it might not be so personal as it is cultural. I hope grandma comes to her senses.