I (F23) and my girlfriend (F23) have been together for almost 2 years. I genuinely want to marry her and have know as much since the first time I saw her. Throughout our relationship we have had some arguments but I feel like it has been pretty normal stuff, except one thing. I have this friend, lets call her Kayla, who I have been friends with for quite some time. For context, she didn’t start out as my friend, but a part of my brothers friend group. I am extraordinarily close to my brother and all of his friends. They all saw me grow up and I few all of them as almost siblings. Kayla was a newer edition to his friend group, but I ended up viewing her the same way I do everyone else in that group, as siblings. I am relatively touchy with all of them (hugging, sitting close on the couch, sitting on their laps when there are no other seats). I realize that this may not be normal behavior to other people, but I never thought anything of it because it was normalized in my family. So, a few months into dating my girlfriend, it was my college graduation. I threw a huge party and halfway through, my girlfriend disappeared. I found her incredibly upset and she left saying that she might meet up with us for clubbing later. When she came out later, I couldn’t have a good time knowing she was so upset, so I took her outside to try and figure out what was so wrong. She told me that she wants me to just break up with her because she can tell that I’m in love with Kayla and how she was going to take her fears to her grave but she can’t anymore etc. I was completely taken by surprise. I had no idea up until this point that she had any issue with my friendship with Kayla. If she had told me that she was uncomfortable at any point I would have absolutely created boundaries in my friendship and given reassurance or anything she needed. We ended up staying together after this fight but it has been a massive issue throughout our entire relationship. I’ve tried talking about it with her, trying to move on, asking what I can do to make it better etc. but nothing has helped. This issue is now once again almost causing us to break up and it has been well over a year later. I don’t want to completely not talk to Kayla anymore because it would severely impact my relationship with my brother and everyone else in the group. For context, Kayla is straight, now lives across the country and is engaged to a man. There has also never been any kind of infidelity in our relationship or anything weird. Cheating is strongly against my moral code and I would literally never cheat on someone in my life. To be clear, I’m not saying that she should just have stayed uncomfortable and dealt with it, I just really wish that she had told me about her feelings before it got to the point where–in her words–she experienced the biggest heartbreak of her life. So, AITA? Because I feel extraordinarily crazy at this point, especially because it has been going on so long.
Edit: for context, yes I fully now understand that it is weird to sit on someone else’s lap and have never done it since. I have never done so since and apologized profusely to my girlfriend for that bit and told her that I completely understand why that would have made her uncomfortable.
> If she had told me that she was uncomfortable at any point I would have absolutely created boundaries in my friendship and given reassurance or anything she needed. …… I don’t want to completely not talk to Kayla anymore because it would severely impact my relationship with my brother and everyone else in the group.
So not anything she needed. Which is more reasonable than pretending every/anything was on table.
NAH. Sure, she could’ve said something she choose not to, and it didn’t work. Cest la vie.
I don’t think sitting on your friends or being touchy feeling with them is considered normal behaviour for most people, more so when they are legitimate dating material. I feel like that’s not fair to your partner. I would have no problem if my partner kept all her childhood friends, but it would feel disrespectful if she was sitting on her guy friends and being touchy feely. It would show a real lack of respect towards me and our relationship. So, YTA.
But is Kayla dating material? Would my husband think a gay man was dating material for me (I am a hetero woman)? That’s essentially what Kayla is. She is not of the same sexual orientation and therefore, not dating material.
That doesn’t negate the fact that OP could have feelings for Kayla though, that just means Kayla doesn’t have feelings for her.
Exactly.
INFO: what part of your interaction with Kayla bothered your GF?
Being touchy feely/hugging people is ok, but a grown person sitting on another grown person’s lap would be outside of comfort zone for many partners. It just isnt normal social behavior after a certain age.
So it totally depends on what bothered your GF and if you are minimizing it or if she is overreacting.
Since your girlfriend cannot accept that you have no romantic feelings towards Kayla, I would imagine she could not tolerate you having any female relationships at all. She sounds deeply insecure and I do not think you have much of a future with this being an issue so early on. I would recommend breaking up with her. She has stuff to work out.
NTA, you can’t fix what you don’t know is broken, and by the time you found out about her insecurities, she was mentally checking out (asking for you to break up with her) This is something that she needs to work on maybe in the past she had gotten cheated on and its an irrational fear coming through I don’t know but you didn’t do anything wrong and shouldn’t have to cut someone off completely especially when nothing is going on. I would gently recommend therapy for her, or even a little relationship counseling, so you both can talk without it escalating.
NTAH
I think in this situation your girlfriend is feeling extremely insecure but that is not on you, unless you are ignoring her for this Kayla person when they’re both around I can’t see WHY she would think that you’re in love with Kayla.
Maybe this is a good time for both of you to reevaluate your feelings and discuss how you are going to move forward if she can’t trust you with someone who is just a friend. I personally would find someone who aligns with my life better if this issue is as persistent as you say because relationships are built on trust and communication and obviously she’s falling short on the trust. If you truly want to stay with your girlfriend she needs to work on her self esteem and maybe talk to someone that’s not you about this.
My unfounded two cents is that maybe you deep down have/had some sort of feelings for Kayla and your girlfriend is seeing the way you treat her in the way you treat Kayla. Have you ever had feelings for Kayla before meeting your gf?
Commenters are very much missing that this is between two 23yo women not a man and a woman
I feel like we are missing some context here. What happened at the party for your GF to react this way? Also I understand you being touchy and everything but you haven’t known Kayla for that long so how can you see her the same as the other friends in your brother’s friend group who saw you grow up?
I think that you can still be friends with Kayla as long as you make sure to have some boundaries with her to make your GF comfortable! If you love her like you say you do, I think that you would want to make sure not to hurt her right?
Maybe she had an experience with a cheating/ overly flirty partner in the past and seeing you being touchy with someone else triggered her?
You guys should have a good conversation regarding boundaries and if your GF doesn’t make sense or doesn’t try to find a compromise and not force you to stop interacting with Kayla, then maybe she’s not the girl for you?
Good luck OP, hope things get better soon
NTA
I… would given up at this point. I have never cheated, and I have a habit of removing people from my life if they threaten the relationship I have to others, and to have this level of distrust from a partner? It is exhausting.
NTA