My (21F) boyfriend (21M) and I have been dating for 1.5 years. Ever since we started dating we would take turns to pay for our dates. It’s been a pretty fair back and forth system.
But in late October last year he lost his job.
Since he lost his job I’ve been paying for 80% of our dates. He has covered the bill maybe twice in the last 3 months. We average about 1-2 dates a week. During this time, I was also managing certain personal costs (minor surgery, college fees, Christmas gifts etc)
He’s recently got a new job and I’m very happy for him. The hours are good and the income is a little more than he was earning before.
We go on our first date since getting his job and he offers to pay, but fast forward to last night, I had to pay again. It seems we’ve gone back to taking turns, when I really thought he’d take the load for a little while.
I’m not expecting him to pay for the next 3 months. I understand I was earning and he wasn’t, but I felt a bit hurt we’ve just gone right back to the usual system.
We’re both students, working casually and living at home with our parents. We don’t have any extra expenses other than managing our cars.
So anyway, is it unfair to expect to him to pay a little more? Please be kind, I just want to know if I should be more understanding.
Edit – I left out a very important part lol. I did communicate this to him on the date he didn’t pay. He got quite uncomfortable (as most people do when talking about money) and said he felt it was fair if things just went back to normal. I told him it isn’t really about the money tbh. It’s the fact he didn’t want to treat me more. If he offered to pay I wouldn’t have accepted, but I just wished that he did. He said he wouldn’t have expected me to. He had to leave for a friend’s birthday which cut the conversation short. We haven’t talked today. I want to know if IWBTA for pushing him on this.
Have you told him how this makes you feel..? if you have, then NTA
if you haven’t and you are basically wanting him to read your mind then yes YTA
Financial strain can be tricky. I don’t think anyone is in the wrong here. Sometimes, as a partner, you can pick up the slack and be a good partner. Going back to your norm should be good enough. If you ever hit a rough spot like he did, I would hope he’d do the same for you in that scenario. Now that he’s back on his feet, don’t expect him to try to make up for it. Soft YTA.
Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments.
If you don’t tell him what you are expecting, you are setting him up so you can be mad for the thing he doesn’t know about.
Your not the asshole. You need to talk to him.
“If you don’t tell him what you are expecting”
Imo even saying something now is too late, aka “since I paid for x dates the last 3 months you should pay for x dates the next months.”
That should have been said when things started, “I will cover our dates until you get a job and then I want/need you to cover the next X dates. ”
That would have given BF needed info to decide if they should cut back on dates and/or cost.
But right now it is like OP offered to “pay” but really was keeping a running tally/total and is not handing BF a bill saying you owe me $X.
Also, why did they need to go on so many dates when one of them has no job and the other is dealing with other major fees.
They should have stopped going on dates.
Or at least go on cheaper/free dates. Watch a movie at home, make some sandwiches and go on a picnic, go to a park, etc. be creative!
>is it unfair to expect to him to pay a little more?
It’s unfair to have this expectation *without telling him*, and then feel hurt when he doesn’t meet an expectation that was never communicated to him.
YTA. Not for wanting him to cover more date costs for a little bit, but for expecting him to read your mind.
I’m mixed. But I’ll settle on YTA. Mostly because of a lack of communication. You can’t expect him to just do something because you think that’s fair or that’s what you would have done. If you feel he should do that, you need to communicate. Communication is a huge issue in relationships due to the amount of misunderstandings it causes. Ideally you would have had a convo beforehand.
Ideally, if I was in your shoes, I wouldn’t have made an issue about it. I would hope that if I were in a bad situation, he’d reciprocate. I’d much rather have a relationship where I know if I fall, he’ll pick me up. Than a relationship where if I fall, I’ll owe him back.
ESH – he could be more generous. But if you don’t talk to him like an adult, it’s unfair to blame him for not reading your mind
Don’t make it transactional.
Have you communicated this, bc he’s probably not a mind reader
Speak to him! Ffs.
Also, why did you keep going out twice a week if he wasn’t earning?