So some background, me and this friend met a year and a half ago.
We were pretty tight until she went cold one day, stopped speaking to me and started hanging out with other girls.
Months later she confessed it was because she felt less compared to me? We’re studying design, and I have more experience. Said she saw my work, compared it to hers and felt inadequate, couldn’t deal with it, so she pulled away.
I forgave her, since she apologized and owned up to it, we started to hang out again, I became pretty good friends with a girl from her new group, let’s call her B(24)
I tried to befriend the rest. We hung out a few times, and I invited them to my house. This meant a lot to me, because my home life is complicated. So I considered them friends at this point.
First issue arose on Christmas. They made a gift exchange, I wasn’t told about it. Found out cause they brought cake to class, and I publicly said I couldn’t wait to eat until I found out it was just for them.
I let it go tho, since B said it was organized last minute in an impromptu visit to one of their homes.
I wanted to believe me and my friend were over the original fight, I tried to be considerate to her feelings. Not calling attention to my achievements too much. But I still felt her being a bit cold when I did well. One time she playfully told me and B to compete on an exercise, but when I won she looked cold and kinda mad about it.
Fast forward to now, there’s a conference out of state. I found out her and the rest were pooling money and organizing going together. I was never told. Only found out by chance.
In combination with the christmas exchange I felt like the group was keeping me at a distance.
I justified it on a groupchat they’re in and I’m not. I thought, maybe I’m just being kept on the sides cause they talk all this things on groupchat.
Now I realize asking to join the gc was the wrong move, there are girls I just barely know in there, but at this time I was just frustrated.
I told my intentions to my friend and she told me, without mentioning the other girls, that I should respect the gc, that it was made for girls who got together in the first semester, and that I shouldn’t try to get to know them better via the gc.
This hurt, I saw it as her saying: we’re not good enough friends for you to be there. Which is not like it’s wrong, ofc, but being that I did consider them to be good friends, hurt.
So I told her that then the divide did exist and that I overestimated how good a friendship we had, which was on me.
And she got mad, and said that saying that was mean on my side, since the rest had shown they truly cared for me, but that if I felt like that it was my problem.
I told all of this to B later on, who also feels like I’m wrong to feel alienated, and my friendship with the rest is just different.
B was not mad, we were chill.
The friend on the other hand was mad. Went out of her way to avoid me the whole day.
I feel there’s unsolved feelings here. AITA?
She’s jealous of you and feels you’re better, she want to create a space where she has power again to show you how small you are. You’re not responsible for other people’s behaviour
I don’t understand why you’re trying so hard to get into a group obviously wants to keep you on the fringes. I’m not saying they don’t like you or don’t want to be friends, but it seems like they have a closer connection that you just aren’t a part of. Please let me know if I’m misinterpreting anything.
I guess I thought it was a mutual effort. They said they are friends, everyone tells me they care for me, and I am a naturally shy person so I thought it was just an issue with me having trouble interacting. But I think just, there’s not a strong connection there, and I don’t get why she gets mad at me pointing it out
There levels to friendship. To put it into very cold terms, it sounds like they’re level A friends and they have you at level B. It doesn’t mean you all aren’t friends but they just aren’t your A group. You can still be friends but you can’t expect them same interactions they have with each other.
NTA for feeling alienated but realize that you can’t just enter a group that already had history and immediately expect to be at their level if friendship. Stay friends but start looking for your own friend group that you can grow.
NTA. Your feelings belong to you. What you feel is not a problem, but how you express it is your responsibility.
She has a circle of friends who are separate from you (except for B). If they don’t want to include you, then that sucks but it’s not something that they have to fix. And neither do you.
It’s better for you to find your own group. Or maybe you do better with one on one friendships.
There’s simply nothing you can do to change this. I’m sorry, I do feel bad for you. This is tricky territory to navigate and I understand it feels awful.
Sounds like you need to level up, for lack of a better term. The other people feel less talented and prefer to keep a casual distance. Look for your people; they are not it. nta