I(21m) recently got into it with my brother(29m) and SIL(28f) over the fact they feel that my gf and I use the living room too much.
For some context on my living situation, I am a full time university student but I do work part time(about 8-10hours a week). When I first transferred to my university from community college my brother and sil offered to let me live with them so I didn’t have to worry about housing cost or food. They said they were happy to cover the cost of groceries and rent since they both have well paying jobs and I would only need to pay for myself if I wanted to go out or order out. I’ve also taken over virtually all chores to try and make things more equitable.
Everything seems to have been going well these past few months but things are weird after my gf came to stay with us. She attends a university out of state so we are long distance and she is spending her winter break with me. Since the semester is over we have a lot of free time and have just been focusing on making up for time lost and just enjoying each others company. The first instance I got that something was off with my brother and sil was when I sent her my grocery order for the week to my SIL, my brother almost immediately texted me and told me I was asking for too much. I had added some additional things than I normally would since my gf was visiting and I wanted to make us dinner. A few of the things my brother had a problem with was that I asked for ground beef, chicken, steak, and shrimp for one week, but I tried to explain to him it was ingredients for a recipe I had looked up. He and my SIL did eventually concede and added it to the order with the condition they would use some of the ingredients for themselves to "make the cost worth it."
I thought that was weird but another weird thing that’s been happening is when my SIL gets home from work, my gf and I have usually just finished making our dinner for the evening and are sitting in the living room watching tv. It is the only room in the house with a TV. I could tell she’s been annoyed when she’s been getting home, but didn’t think it pertained to me or my gf until my brother approached me at the end of the week and asked if me and my gf would please try to be out of the way and up in my room when my SIL gets home from work because she doesn’t like seeing us "all over each other" and is also annoyed because she would like to watch TV.
I feel like both my brother and sil are very frustrated and the level of frustration has surprised me. It’s almost like it came out of nowhere. So I’m posting here to get some perspective.
Edit to add requested context:
Did I ask my brother and sil if my gf could come stay? Yes and no, they’ve always extended a welcome for my gf and I didn’t ask if she could stay, but my brother and sil asked if she was planning to stay for winter break (around early November) and I said yes and they were both kind of like "okay cool" as if it wasn’t a big deal at all.
For the grocery order – I usually make my own dinner and not for my SIL or brother because they prefer to cook for themselves. It’s always been our arrangement that I take care of myself when it comes to dinner. I’ve asked for steak, chicken and shrimp before but never in one order so I can understand where my brother and sil got upset. I think I was overzealous and wanted to do something nice for my gf while she’s visiting.
Your brother agreed to cover rent and groceries for *you,* not an extra person, it sounds like you’re taking advantage of their money and home by asking for more and for monopolizing common areas of the home.
Did you talk to them about the additional burden of your GF spending time with you guys? Typically that means another body taking up space in the house, more food eaten, toilet paper used etc.
I can see this being problematic. I’m sure they are budgeting to accommodate you alone and now that’s being thrown off. Personally, I think it’s tone deaf to ask for ground beef, chicken, steak and shrimp for one week. Especially in this economy. Better budget friendly meals could have been found.
YTA for not offering them money for the increased grocery order. C’mon, man, you want to cook special meals for your girlfriend (that’s fine!) you need to pay for them yourself.
They’ve asked you to be out of the living room when she comes home from work – do it. You are shooting yourself in the foot if you don’t. Apologize and retreat to your room. Or, conversely, offer to pay rent money.
Yeah, that was probably one of the big things that made this extra frustrating.
You move in an extra person, fine, but then you’re adding steak and shrimp to the groceries for date night??
When my brother was younger and did that for valentine’s he made a point to use his own money and made my mom a special meal for appreciating her letting him take over the dining room/living room for his special night.
YTA for playing house with your GF while a non paying guest is someone’s home. You should be striving to be out of sight, out of mind as much as possible. If I came home from work and had 2 freeloaders sitting on my couch watching TV everyday I’d be pissed too. Treat her to lavish ingredients on your own dime.
Bruh, they aren’t upset at you for using the living room too much. They’re miffed that you’ve invited a whole ass person to crash in their space *and* on their dime.
Your girlfriend should not be getting free groceries. You need to pay them back for her portion to try to even start to fix this.
Soft YTA because you’re 21 and honestly, I was more clueless when I was 21.
YTA – You are wearing out your welcome. You are a guest in their home and you are VERY lucky you don’t have to pay for housing or food. You should be helping around the house and making sure you are earning your stay there, instead you’ve invited another person to stay there, use their house, hog the TV and living room, and eat their food. You should be contributing to their house not taking as much as you can from them. You should be cleaning, cooking, and helping out, not inviting others to mooch off them.
Think about what you’re going to do if your brother and SIL decide they don’t want you there anymore because that’s where this is headed.
It sounds like you’re not only asking for extra food (that they didn’t offer to cover) but also pricey food! They offered to house and feed you, not you plus one on a lavish budget.
Also hogging the living room and only tv when they get home and want to relax isn’t cool when you’re living rent free as a guest and you have brought an extra person into the equation. Watch something on your phone or computer in your room or read books, but give them some time in their own home.
You should make sure you’re cleaning up immediately after using the kitchen and bathroom and that you’re not using the shared living spaces too often when they’re home without an explicit invitation from them.
YTA
I’m curious, did you ask them first if your girlfriend could come stay with you over the break? That’s pretty brave to expect your brother to cover all her food expenses too. YTA
Omg, YTA all day long.
Yta from your title alone
You should be being uber considerate ALL DAY LONG!
THEY’RE FACILITATING YOUR LIFE!
And that’s before you moved your gf in.
And then added to their shopping so you could cook expensive stuff for her (not all 4 of you????)
And then you’re dominating the shared space.
Is this a joke post?
YTA. This isn’t about the living room. It’s about your blatant and ungrateful entitlement. You don’t pay rent or groceries and now your girlfriend staying for an extended period has completely upended the routine of the entire household. Doing chores hardly compensates that.
Your brother and SIL were generous, but that doesn’t mean you get unlimited access to their home or money (asking for steak when you don’t chip in for groceries at all!). And be honest with yourself, this didn’t “come out of nowhere”. They were likely irritated for a while and finally spoke up.
You’re acting like you’re a paying tenant with a signed lease who should get equal say in household dynamics when in reality you’re a non-paying guest who is quite frankly acting like a leech.
YTA- You’re young so you won’t understand, but you’re old enough that you should have consideration. You’re already staying there for free, your gf coming over for the winter is literally one more person (to feed). If you/your gf are not contributing, sending an extended list (with literally 4 different types of meat) would throw off anyone, and it is understandable for them to want to use from these items, since it’s their money paying for it.
I think if you guys are always in the living room: coming home after a long day of work (everyday?) and seeing the two unemployed people who you’re basically funding, just relaxing (everyday?) as you enter your home is annoying. ESPECIALLY if they are NOT related to you.
I think it’s just a stand point of you are overstepping boundaries, and not realizing it. So i would also recommend if you’re using the living room do it within the hours that she’s at work, and go in your room at least an hour before the time she’s accustomed getting home.
YTA 100%. You expect them to cover food for your GF and they are not even complaining about that yet. Did you ask them if your GF could come and stay? Did you consider it is THEIR home and maybe they cannot relax when there is a guest there all the time? Seriously, man, give your dang head a shake. Your brother and SIL sound amazing tbh. Paying for all of your costs? That’s incredible. But from the example you gave, you don’t even cook for them when they are working and you are making dinner for yourself and your GF. You are so in the wrong. You’d better be giving them an amazing Christmas present too.
EDIT: I reread it – I think this is likely just a rage-bait post, as who orders steak and shrimp and expects someone else to pay for it. Shame on me for believing this was real.
You make the situation sound so wholesome for you and your gf but you sound so insufferable. If I were your brother I’d kick you out. You are disrespecting them and the audacity of you to ask for groceries and not even offer to make dinner for them is beyond me. They opened their home for you and it’s like you’re using them.