So the context is that a close friend of mine for several years has been having a hell of a month so far, drama from her own friends across the board. She’s been feeling very burned out, very tired, all of that. I understand that happens, ‘cuz I’ve gone through it before, who hasn’t, right? Last two weeks it’s been weird. She suddenly keeps telling me she doesn’t want to be comforted, meaning no hugs or sending positive vibes basically ‘don’t help me’. Which, okay. People deal with stuff their own way, I just kept wishing her well and said I’d pray for her to feel better soon.
Every day her response to me asking how she’s doing, is to complain that she’s tired, burned and on the edge. And I can’t complain about it, I just assume the drama in her life was THAT bad to warrant it. She still kept telling me she loved me, still told me I was helping, etc. And.. okay. I offer to play games with her, no dice. Offer to VC, offer to just hang out, laugh and stuff, no dice. She called herself fat, gross, a slug, I said she wasn’t, she immediately countered it by repeating herself, I sighed and gave up.
Come to find out, she’s BEEN hanging out with people, playing games with people, letting other people hug her or whatnot. She kept saying she doesn’t have many she considers ‘friends’, yet there always seems to be one just right around the corner she’s hanging out with. Eventually I just got burned out myself. It’s so depressing just talking to her, nothing positive I do or say ever does anything to change the vibe. Like at what point can you just say ‘you really need to start getting over it / start fixing yourself up’ without sounding like a dick?
So I ended up confronting her about it. Why is she telling me she’s all tired and spiky and not wanting any comfort and whatever, but she’s having the time of her life with everyone else? People heal in their own way, but I just don’t understand why she doesn’t want me specifically to do so. I don’t even know she IS online 80% of the time, and when I ask what she’s up to, maybe I can start something for us to do together?
She got an attitude, said I sounded like her ex-friends that just left or some shit, said she was tired and refused to partake in ‘drama’, so we ended up having to split in our respective corners to chill out. We’re very close, contemplating outright dating, but I outright feel like I’m being shelved until she NEEDS something from me. My own battery drains when trying to help her, and she just plain refuses anything I do, only to just find it elsewhere? Like what am I supposed to do? I don’t understand.
So I just got too tired of trying, I just couldn’t keep up with it, and now there’s arguing and silence. Am I wrong for faltering, trying to keep up but getting second-hand depression, and getting annoyed that I’m apparently a second thought despite being THE only one trying to help?
INFO: What are the ages, genders, and length of friendship between OP and the “friend”? Perhaps it’s as simple as the “friend” doesn’t want to have a public relationship with OP for whatever reason.
I’m 35f, and she’s 27f. We have known each other for two years coming up on, and we dated on and off for a bit more than half of that. We took a break two months ago due to some irl issues on both ends, before getting back ‘together’ going out again, we were discussing where we want to take it about a month ago.
Sorry but this relationship just seems toxic for both of you.
You say she had a rough month (as in the trouble started). You got back together 2 months ago and a month ago you both started discussing.
It’s going to be tough (I have been in something similar) but I think it’s best for both to cut the cord (on friendship and relationship).
NAH It sounds like you’re toxic and like she keeps you at arms length for a reason.
– you help, but then hold it over her head, expecting her to reward you with gratitude and attention and extra friendship stars. That doesn’t seem very genuinels caring
– you claim you’re the only one actually helping her. Well, looks like she perceives that very differently, and it seems you very badly want to be celebrated as her savior here. You want her to be in need of your care so you can feel good about yourself, and you want to be the center of her world. But clearly, you’re not
– you know she has a bad time. You hear she struggles with social connections. And yet, when she hangs out with others, you’re not happy about it for her, instead you get jealous and take it as insult.
– you expect her to hang out, text you, laugh on vc, play games, knowing that she is miserable. If course she says no. And that’s fine, cause you’re not entitled to her time
– you can’t read social cues. She is not telling you she is online, because she doesn’t want interaction, or maybe just not with you. Her happily hanging out with others and gaming, but not with you, also sounds like it
– you say you are considering a relationship. Uhm… Hello? You think the person who doesn’t want to even hang out with you or hug you wants to be in a romantic relationship with you…? And you even say that when you do talk it drains you and feels negative. Why tf would you wanna date her? You’d be miserable.
Yes, it’s okay to stop “helping”. Infact, I’d strongly recommend it in this case, along with a good hard look at your own motivations and patterns
ESH
Sorry OP, but you’re too blinded by your desire to save and “get” with this person. “Esh” because you’re being too cruel to yourself. Kuudos to you for trying to help, but at this point, you’ve been nothing but a sounding board and encouraging all the whining and complaining. Saying all the things she wants to hear, showing all the empathy and support for how hard her life must be…
There comes a point where you have to step back, recognize drama, and realize that your ideal outcome to this situation is just fantasy. Don’t get me wrong, i understand where you’re coming from because i’ve been in a similar situation. You want to be all the no-pressure support possible, see that person grow and feel appreciated/valued.. and maybe see a future with them! But thats not going to happen here. For your own sakd, you need to step back and stop putting all your love and care into someone that just wants to soak up the attention and give nothing back.
As for her.. for all the above reasons, she’s the real AH here. Nothing but two-faced drama, getting whatever pity and caring attention she can from you while living up life with others. I dont want to say it’s the age gap.. they just sound really unreliable and immature. You can do much better, OP. You deserve a relationship that doesn’t demand you putting in 110% to hold your partner afloat
Writing’s on the wall, I suppose. The answer I was just dreading, but.. what can I really do.
Thank you kindly.
Unfortunate outcomes will just serve as experience towards your next relationship 🙂 not all efforts were wasted!
Can redirect some of that energy into grinding out some extra exp instead in your games. 😀
Snrk, haha.
I appreciate the levity, sincerely.
Thank you again.
NTA, get over yourself. Let her go.