Hi Reddit, I’m not sure if I’m just being a bitchy teen, or if there is something else going on and I would love an outside opinion.
Just for some context, I (16F) attend a high school that is quite rigorous, meaning that every night I don’t get home till 5:30 at the earliest and 3 out of the 5 days I don’t get home till 8. Additionally, I have (roughly) about 2 hours minimum of homework per night to do once I get home. My mother is a stay at home mom and I am an only child (don’t know if that’s helpful but whatever).
On many days after school there is a list of tasks for me to do. Normal chores as well additional random things like fixing our security system, putting car seats on her car, and most recently bringing Christmas decorations up and down from the attic (there are 24 bins so this was a bit tedious however, I had no problem doing it since we had scheduled a day when I had time).
Now, recently, it’s been more and more with these random tasks to the point where they are going into the later night (11/12/sometimes 1am), or she disrupts me from my homework to have me do something. She tends to also call be up and down the stairs for small tasks which can get frustrating on its own. I have tried to sit down and talk to her about how this is affecting me and how it is detrimental but she usually gets really defensive and tries to make me feel guilty for even bringing it up.
Similarly, tonight she was putting a tool box together at 10pm. She had called me downstairs to help with something at around 9:55pm then again at 10:02pm (I know the specific time because I did check as I left my room both instances). After I went up the stairs after the 10:02 help, she called me down almost immediately, in less than a minute, to which I was, respectively, frustrated. When she could tell I was frustrated, she began to yell at me that “she can’t ask anyone for help,” and “she will just do it herself like everything else,” and to “just forget about it” etc. While I will admit I had a tone when speaking to her when I originally came down, I did not raise my voice.
So, AITA for giving her tone? Am I just being dramatic?
Hi- I’m sorry that’s happening to you. Are you doing homework on your room? She might not realize you’re doing homework.
I’m a mom to teens and my advice is to sit down with your mom and go over your schedule and work load for every day. Especially for next week with midterms coming up. Outline all the homework and studying you’ll need to do. Plan your sleep so that you’re getting enough. After that plan out a set amount of time you can help around the house each day. That way you know when it’s happening and it doesn’t interrupt homework or sleep. You need to have time to relax and be social too, make sure that’s on the plan.
Hi thanks for your response!
So usually in the car ride home I will go over with her what I need to get done for the night for homework and about how long I think it will take. Also, when I do go upstairs to do it, I typically let her know so that she knows I’m busy. If she does call me down in that period I usually try to remind her but sometimes that doesn’t work and she will come up and fetch me herself.
Additionally, (I forgot to mention this as well) I went over my friends house on Saturday night for a sleepover and cam home early the next morning. She then (whenever I mentioned I had weekend homework to complete) would almost hold it over my head? ( saying things like “well that’s a you problem,” and “you should have thought of that before you decided to go out,” and just kinda making me feel guilty for having a social life).
I hope this is helpful in getting a bit more of a read into the situation! Once again thank you for your response! It’s helpful hearing it from the other perspective!!!
100% this ^. Also, is there another parent in the picture? If there’s no one else your mom can “rely on” she should at the very least not be taking up all your time. You’ve got your priorities too and that needs to be respected. It sounds like you ARE being responsible and taking care of your usual chores already. If you weren’t contributing then YWBTA but in this situation, I’m going with NTA.
The tone here is important. Your frustration (based on what you wrote) was mild and you did not raise your voice. Based on how often you went up and down the stairs by then, I can see why you would be upset.
It’s also possible that as a SAHM, she’s under a lot of pressure. It doesn’t justify her calling you back and forth, but there might be something else going on.
I’ll go with NTA here because a teenager should not be assigned random tasks until 1 am. That is ridiculous. You also were respectful in expressing your feelings and frustrations.
But if they’re something else going on here with your mom, it could be a n-a-h situation as well.
Thanks for your thoughts!
I definitely do understand the pressure she may be under, especially since my father is not in the house. I think it’s more of a matter of communication than anything, however, I’m having trouble figuring out how to communicate with her able how I feel without her getting defensive and walking away.🙃
She sounds lonely. Does she have any activities? Is your dad coming back?
You don’t mention your dad in this but this gives me the feeling that he’s not very helpful around the house and she’s taking that out on you.
He is currently out of the house on a restraining order, hence why I have a lot of more physical tasks now (like moving heavy objects, bringing things up and down stairs, putting things together, etc).
Sorry, that would probably have been a helpful detail!
Keep trying to work with your mom on when you can help with tasks, and when its your study or personal time and not to be disturbed. She clearly needs emotional as well as physical support from you, but she also needs to respect your job, which is school. Can she make a list? And anything after say 8pm waits until another day?
This is VERY important to add. It actually makes more sense. Damn this sucks
You legit have working hours. And a lot of this stuff could wait til the weekend or asked for help for in advance. Like, your 16, learning to help with daily household chores is part of being kid. But at the same time (assuming you start around the time most high-school start) you work like 9-13 hours. Add in 2 hours of homework, yeah, that’s insane. Like, I hope that since your mom doesn’t see it, she doesn’t realize it. But you at minimum need to lay out just how much you are actively working and that chores told to you before hand are fine but expecting you to do surprise non emergency things is too much. Things that can wait a day, can wait a day so you can properly plan around it.
NTA. I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sounds as if your mom is in a difficult situation because of your dad, and she has a lot of resentment. Still, she should not be burdening you as a result. I was in your mom’s shoes, but with three teens. My older two did help me a lot when they could, but I still prioritized their schoolwork, sleep, and outside jobs. Your mom’s requests sound excessive and, frankly, capricious. I think the suggestion to offer a set time you can help is a good one. No one should be expected to “hop to it” whenever someone else has some stray whim. Your mom might benefit from therapy, but I don’t think you are the right person to suggest that to her. Hang in there, OP!
Why isn’t Dad helping with chores?
You have a full time job and that’s your education. When you’re ready to go upstairs to do homework/study, tell your parents you’re going to work now and won’t be available until X (day time frame).
NTA and where the hell is your dad for all this stay at home stuff? Your dad needs to step it up! Ask him if he could help her more