I will be using fake names for this story. I am M23 and my friend Axel is M22. We have been close friends since high school. Shortly after we graduated high school, Axel started dating a girl, Britney, whom he met online. They were together through all of college and I hung out with them on many occasions. After my Axel’s junior year of college and her senior year, my friend proposed and they got engaged. The following year, they moved into together a little before Axel graduated. I thought everything was going well in their relationship and they didn’t have any problems as Axel had always made it seem that way.
Shortly after they moved in together in Charlotte, NC where his fiancée has a good job she had been working at for over a year, Axel gets a job offer in Virginia. He really wants to take it, but Britney tells him she will not move with him. I thought this was reasonable as he had another offer in Charlotte that would not require him to move. Moving would mean being significantly farther from family and pretty much restarting so I sympathized with his fiancée. Also, Britney would then have to essentially restart her career and find a new job.
Long story short, Axel broke off the engagement like a month after rejecting the Virginia job because he said "he was resentful of her for it." I try to be supportive to my friend but it seemed kind of pointless now since he couldn’t take the job anyway. He didn’t even seem sad at all about the breakup, which shocked me.
This is where the story gets wild. My friend had a female friend, Ashley, all through college. He swore he didn’t have feelings for her, and she said the same, but Britney was always insecure about their friendship. After the breakup, Ashley conveniently broke up with her boyfriend of 2 years almost immediately. Within a week, Axel and Ashley were together (and a month later moved in together). I obviously thought this was a horrible look and felt quite bad for his ex-fiancée as she essentially wasted 4 years of her life with him.
At some point, Britney reached out to me, asking if I thought he would take her back. I was sympathetic and told her I think she should just move on at this point. I tried to be kind to her because I know how hard that must be for her. I ended up inviting my buddy on a trip with my sisters and their partners to get his mind off the breakup, and Britney basically begged me not let Ashley come with (I wasn’t going to invite her anyways) so I told Britney I would not.
A month or so later, when Axel’s mom goes to their shared apartment to pick up some of Axel’s stuff, Britney decides to tell his mom that I am not on Axel’s side and I was on her side the whole time. She pretty much made me out to be a terrible friend because I texted her and told her the way he handled a lot of the situation was inappropriate and immature.
Axel forgave me, but he keeps bringing it up and making me feel bad. AITA for being sympathetic to his ex.
If you feel like Britney was treated unfairly then you should have had no problem talking to your friend directly about
I did talk to him directly, but he wouldn’t really listen, unfortunately.
NTA. Unless OP is leaving out key info, I don’t see where there’s anything wrong with his communication to Britney. Apparently he was sympathetic and told her she should move on. What else was he supposed to do/say?
OP, when Axel brings it up, just don’t feel bad. I don’t see any reason you should.
nta.
The breakup and it’s details sound suspicious to me, particularly the part of how the new girlfriend became single just at the right moment. I think Britney dodged a bullet here, considering he didn’t feel sad at all about the breakup. That kinda tells me that he’s been over it for a long time and it probably had very little to do with the Virginia job.
Probably just a bad feeling though and me having read too many cheating husband/fiance/boyfriend stories and so I’m seeing that everywhere but then again, it’s just very suspicious to me. Even if nothing happened per say, I think there may have been a degree of emotional cheating.
Axel continuing to bring it up does give me some vibes too, I do want to ask how he words it. Does it seem like he’s actively trying to make you feel bad? because, what you said before about him not seeming to feel sad about it at all keeps coming back into my head when I see that because…if it wasn’t a big deal to him, why is this happening?
I guess he could feel butthurt that you were not 100% on his side seeing as you are his friend but, if it were me and I was handling a situation poorly, particularly a relationship, I would welcome a friend calling my ass out.
I think Britney made it seem like the stuff I said was a lot worse than it was tbh. I think she was upset and tried to make us not friends anymore or something. He told Ashley about it and they both bring it up sometimes. When he brings it up, its like hes says it in a joking way but it still bothers me because I was just trying to be an understanding person. I’ve known Britney for years so it’s not like shes some stranger.
Ah in that case, I’d talk to him about it. If you bottle it up, it might pop out one day and that won’t be good. Communication is always best. Share text messages even and show how neutral what you said was, explain you were just trying to help and it kind of bothers you when he brings it up. Ask why, maybe.
NTA. “Axel” may be your best friend, but that doesn’t automatically absolve him of any wrongdoing. It sounds like this situation with his ex-fiancé was handled extremely poorly on his part. Her reasons for not wanting to move were sound; she had a good job there close to family, and he had a job offer too. Yeah, it’s unfortunate that he couldn’t take the job he truly wanted, but he only would’ve been thinking of himself if he forced her to move with him. That makes someone a selfish partner.
It doesn’t seem like there’s solid proof that something was happening between him and Ashley during his engagement, but that timing is…..interesting. If anything, it seems like he may have been holding a candle for her throughout his relationship with his fiancé, which is also wildly unfair to her. She clearly still loves him, and was likely completely blindsided when he called things off. It seems like the job was just an excuse to end things, since he didn’t even take the job in the first place.
You didn’t do anything wrong by talking to his ex, she likely grew to be your friend too and I don’t think that it’s out of line for you to express that you’re sorry for how things happened. However, you should have told your friend that you thought he was being shady, and that his ex had reached out to you.
It is admittedly a bad look for him to find out from his ex, not you, his “best friend”
If anything, I’d re-evaluate if you want to be friends with this guy. He treated a woman he said he loved really poorly, and is now treating you poorly. If he forgave you, he wouldn’t still be making you feel guilty about it.
Yeah, I did tell my friend that his ex reached out before that all went down. He knew I had talked to her and I told him that I was just telling her to move on and that it will be ok in the end and all. I guess when I told her that he hadn’t handled the situation well (which I called him out for as well) she took that as me siding with her which isn’t true because my friend comes first (even is hes being an asshole).
NTA Generally speaking, our loyalty lies with our friends. That doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything they say and do at the epense of everything else. You can disagree with someone or their behaviour, voice that, and still be a good friend.
If you think your friend mistreated his ex – and he sounds like an absolute mess BTW – you are allowed to voice that opinion or show sympathy. Just don’t be two faced about anything. Unless the ex is entrenched in your social circle, it may be wise to step back – its probably not healthy for either of them otherwise in terms of moving on.
not Omar material
You did nothing wrong. He did handle it immaturely. I feel he used the Virginia job offer as the excuse to break up. He never had the intention of taking it. Of course all assumptions. Plus hooking up with the the friend super super fast is suspicious. The ex had every reason to be concerned for their friendship. And look how fast it happened after he broke up. Friend breaks up with her boyfriend.
You were kind and truthful when asked. Tell Alex and the new girlfriend to knock it off. If they keep bringing it up evaluate that friendship. Me thinks there is a bit too much concern on their side that they keep bringing it up. Guilty conscience of what they could have been doing behind the scenes. Maybe they know they were wrong and pushing guilt onto you. Anyway tell them why keep bringing it up unless they are guilty about it.
NAH, but no one’s on their best behavior either. Axel did not treat Britney all that well (he’s 22; we can only hope he learns to do better). Also he hasn’t really forgiven you if he keeps bringing it up; you two need to talk that one out. Britney ranting about Axel to his mom (????) is inappropriate and weaponizing your sympathy for her against Axel (again, to his mom!) is unfair to you. But she just got dumped in a pretty horrible way so I’m inclined to be forgiving of some less than rational behavior.
You’re within your rights to be critical of your friend, and I actually think the advice you gave Britney to move on was kind and thoughtful, but you should not have promised her you wouldn’t invite Ashley on this trip or criticized Axel’s behavior with her. The trip is none of her business (how did she even know it was happening? Talking to her about it contradicts your advice telling her to move on), and your thoughts on Axel’s behavior are a conversation for you to have with Axel. It’s not really fair to your friend to criticize his behavior to someone itching for reasons to hate him when he’s not there to defend himself. But also, let’s be honest, part of the reason Axel is upset is because he knows he behaved badly and he knows that you know.
Anyway the big life lesson to learn from this is that there’s a difference between encouraging your friends to do better and letting them know when they’ve behaved badly (ethical, good friend behavior) and criticizing their behavior with their exes (messy, will get you in trouble).
YTA
Why talk to her at all?