I’m 21F, and I’ve been dating a woman for a year (plus another of just being together) and only told my mom about it last week. I’ve never felt comfortable about telling her that before, even though she had questioned me a couple of times and said she didn’t mind if I was dating a girl. The thing is, I have a difficult relationship with my mother; we have fun together and all, but she easily gets mad at me and distorts any sort of situation to transform it into something that makes her a victim. If I do anything she slightly dislikes, she goes on yelling that I ruined her day or that I’m an embarrassment and other much heavier stuff. If my father is on my side, which happens often, she gets even worse and only stops yelling when she has the final word. And, she hardly ever apologized for any of her actions towards me, expecting my own apology to her for things I didn’t even start or aren’t my fault. This is clear to me nowadays only because I’ve been on therapy for 4 years, but formerly, I would’ve fallen into those ‘traps’.
I came out 2 times. On the first occasion, I was a child, and she reacted badly. On the second one, I was a teenager, and she reacted so badly that she finally thought it was the right time to put me into therapy, which I’ve been asking for since my childhood. I never understood if she meant it as a conversion therapy sort of thing, but regardless of anything that made me feel really mad because I’ve been a ‘perfect’ person during all those years to avoid the bad reactions of my mom and I realized this would never be enough. I was always polite, had excellent grades, and I am even going to study abroad this month. In my head, I don’t give her enough reason to be labeled as an embarrassment.
Therapy helped me understand that my sexuality is not a flaw. Last year, my mom wrote me a letter saying she regretted her reaction when I came out and that she was afraid I wouldn’t let her be part of my life when I grew up. It felt a bit nice to read it, but it didn’t change the fact that I was scared of her. And, she had already tried to set me up against my friends; I didn’t know how she would feel about me dating one of them, and I was scared she’d somehow restrain me from leaving our house and prohibit my girlfriend from coming over, so I felt fine hiding my relationship. That is, until I told her a few days ago when I finally felt more at peace with talking about it, and she reacted fine at first, even having a friendly talk with my girlfriend. The next day, though, she started arguing with me that I’m a liar and that I don’t care about her feelings, as if me not being okay with revealing this side of my life to her was solely my own problem and not something due to the way she’s been treating me since I was born. I understand feeling sad about being left out, but I don’t understand such a reaction and how everything always turns out to be my fault. But, I recognize I could be more on the wrong here, too. AITA?
hiding relationships is sometimes the only way to protect your peace when you have a parent who turns everything into drama. trust your gut on this one, you know your mom better than anyone here does.
NTA. Your mom is a textbook narcissist. Keep your peace. You deserve it.
Your mother has classic narcissism symptoms. Read about narcissism or watch youtubes about how to handle a narcissist. Anything goes wrong, she’s the victim even if she was the perpetrator.
NTA. You had to protect yourself.
Move away from her as soon as you can. It would be better to have a separate relationship with your father, meeting him for lunch at his work. or nearby, so you can have relaxed conversations.
NTA. You were wise to trust your instincts and delay things with your mother. Your life is much better with fewer things for your mother to yell at you about. The info diet she’s been on has been for your own protection.
It very much sounds like your life will improve drastically once you can limit any interactions with your mother.
NTA. It’s not your fault for feeling that way. Your mom has been difficult. I get why you felt the need to hide it, her reaction now just proved you’re right. Don’t feel bad for protecting your peace.
NTA
Your mother has shown she is not a safe or trustworthy person to come out to.
You’re an adult, you can set boundaries for the sake of your own mental health and safety
NTA. Why do you have any relationship with her at all? She sounds miserable to be around.
NTA I hide my relationship with my husband for over a year. I had tried dating once in high school and my mom got so up my butt asking about dates the minute I got home that I ended up breaking up after 1.5 months due to the stress. I still hadn’t developed a backbone when I started dating him. I had a bad relationship with my mom for yearsn I had found someone who clicked with me from day 1 and I didn’t want her to ruin it. Found out later on that my brother did date in high school but he just hid it from my parents after seeing what I went through with my mom.
NTA.
She might never change but IF you care to try – tell her point blank “I am scared of you. ” And maybe try to get her to a session with your therapist.
Good luck from one queer to another.
NTA part of her truly apologizing for not being supportive and being better, includes acknowledging that the hurt she caused you can’t go away in an instant with an apology and takes time to repair the relationship. You’re entitled to be protective of yourself and your relationship with someone who has been unreliable and unsupportive in the past.
NTA, my mom is like this. I am now happily gay married and we don’t talk.