I (30 M) have an uncle who recently had multiple strokes alongside a variety of health problems due to drug and alcohol abuse. He’s currently in a wheelchair with a poor prognosis for the future (they’re not confident he’ll make it through 2026.)
Just to clarify things, our relationship was never too stellar even before his stroke. He was the picture of an angry drunk and made everything unpleasant (cops were called/threatened to be called at almost every family gathering) and he was a shitty parent to my cousins at the best of times.
This is my first time visiting my mom’s for Christmas after he had his stroke.
I saw him there (he has to get wheeled around) he was in pretty awful shape but he tried to make conversation with me. I just smiled politely at him, said hey, and then excused myself and walked off to another area of the house away from him.
My mom saw, approached me and said "Your Uncle is trying to talk to you." and I more or less flat out told her our relationship was bad at the best of times, why would I try to make conversation with him now? I then spent the rest of Christmas (and New Years too) pretending I didn’t hear him calling my name and just avoiding him as much as possible. I get my mom has some positive memories with him but overall he was just an outright pill to me before his stroke.
AITA for thinking a stroke/poor health doesn’t wash away his shitty past?
NTA
NTA
Being sick or disabled isn’t an automatic pass for past poor behavior.
Going away after excusing yourself is ok. Outright ignoring him and pretending not to hear is AH.
NTA – yeah, your relationship with him, your choice. Your mom has a different relationship, doesn’t make your reaction assholish.
YTA for outright ignoring him.
YTA. He was not hurting you in any way that day. So if you did talk to him before there is no excuse in being rude now. Calling him out for his behavior should have happened before the stroke.
So his uncle gets a new chance every day? He’s not 7 years old, grown up actions cause long lasting consequences. He isn’t calling his uncle out, he just doesn’t want to be best friends with him
ESH. That would be a rude, shitty way to treat someone regardless of his health.
While it doesnt wash away his shitty past. If moms hosting your an asshole for not hanging in the crowd and being cordial. Don’t go if you can’t interact without hurting your mom. You said she doesnt have much time left with her brother.
You became the asshole when you chose to outright ignore him, without telling him why.
Drinks suck. He sucks. But also, alcohol sucks and addiction is a horrible thing.
You should have told him something like “I’m sorry your health is poor. I have not forgotten the way you treated our family before you stroke, and I can’t pretend that did not happen. I’m not ready to engage with you, but I do hope you are making progress.”
THEN you can ignore him all you want, because you have communicated a boundary and he doesn’t own your forgiveness.
YTA I was raised with alcoholism rampant in my family. I can empathize with that. However, treating anyone like that in that condition shows such a lack of empathy, it’s disgusting. He wasn’t able to hurt anyone and he might have had something worth listening to. Maybe he wanted to make amends in some small way.
YTA. Things and people change. This medical event could have made him wake up to how poorly he’s been acting. His condition does not change what he did but the least you could do is listen. Ignoring is just spiteful.