I (24F) am trying so hard to rebuild my life. Two years ago, I was struggling with addiction. I got clean. I got help. I started over.
A year later, I had a baby. He passed away shortly after birth from complications. Losing him almost made me relapse. I didn’t. But it shattered something in me that will never fully heal.
My mom (42F) has never been supportive of any version of me. The hurt one, the recovering one, the mother, the grieving one. She only shows up when she can be the victim. She loves attention, but not accountability.
When my baby died, instead of comforting me, she said “You shouldn’t have gotten pregnant so fast after getting clean. Maybe now you’ll be more responsible.”
I still can’t think about those words without crying.
Anyway, I recently met someone (30M) He’s gentle, patient, and kind. The first person who makes me feel like I’m not broken. He knows I’ve been through “hard things,” but I hadn’t told him everything yet.. I wanted to share my story when I felt secure.
So one night he comes over for dinner at my place. I’m nervous, but excited. Everything is going perfect. We’re laughing, cooking, talking.
Then my mom shows up. Uninvited.
Just lets herself in like she still owns me. Obviously I gave her a spare key, we live away from family and it’s just us.
She immediately starts scanning him like she’s a spy. Asking what he does, how much he makes, if he “comes from a stable family,” all with this condescending tone like she’s auditioning him for a job she doesn’t even have authority over.
Then she turns to him and says with a straight face:
“Before you get too attached, you should know she already had a baby… but he didn’t survive.”
I yelled out, “Mom WTF?”
She ignored me.
“She probably didn’t tell you because she feels guilty. I told her not to get her hopes up. Addicts don’t usually have healthy pregnancies.”
Then she said the most evil thing I’ve ever heard:
“Maybe if she hadn’t wasted those years on drugs, her body wouldn’t be so damaged.”
I broke.
I flipped out and everything went black, I just remember calling her every name under the sun and telling her to GTFO my house. My boyfriend was stunned, and I don’t blame him.
She obviously left, arguing on the way out but everything was such a blur at that point I can’t even tell you what was said.
I screamed at her to GET OUT. I remember that. I don’t even remember what I said, I just saw red.
After she left, she texted me paragraph after paragraph about how I “embarrassed” her, how I’m “still unstable,” how she “won’t sugarcoat reality just because I’m sensitive,” and all this other unnecessary stuff I don’t care to hear.
I blocked her.
Now my sister and mother are calling me dramatic, disrespectful, saying I “humiliated” my mother by kicking her out.
My boyfriend has been nothing but supportive. He held me while I cried. He didn’t judge my past at all. He didn’t leave.
But now I’m questioning myself.
Was I the AH?
You are NTA, and your mother’s reaction really says it all. Rather than caring about the fact that she hurt you, all she cares about is her own feelings of humiliation. Low contact / no contact is probably warranted here.
Clearly NTA. Your mother said those things with one purpose and one purpose only, to hurt you. Stay away from her. Do not listen to other family members that tell you not to do so, they do not have your best interests at heart.
Change your locks.
Exactly. She didn’t slip up, she aimed to wound. Anyone defending that isn’t protecting me, they’re protecting her ego if you ask me. I feel like I’m going crazy. Lock change is coming ASAP
My birth giver is like this. The best thing I ever did for myself was go no contact. It’s been a beautifully peaceful and quiet 10 years. I’m also in a great relationship for 7 years with someone who accepts me for me and doesn’t judge. He knows my whole past, but the best part is that I was able to tell him myself.
Change your locks ASAP and put up major boundaries! I am so sorry! Your mom is horrible!
NTA your mom is evil. If you can, change your locks. And genuinely consider if being in contact with her brings anything positive into your life.
NTA, and the fact that others in your family system are trying to make you feel like the AH tells me that your Mom might have narcissistic tendencies. I’m wondering about enmeshed family patterns, triangulation, and how all of these things may have impacted you.
Please take care of yourself.
NTA, but take that key back or better yet change the locks.
I am no therapist but I think you should Marie Kondo her. “Does she bring you joy?”
She is a goddamn monster and you are millions in fact BILLIONS times better without her. One addict to another it’s not easy to get clean. One human to another losing someone you loved so dearly changes you. I’m not a mother and never have had that joy but I am so sorry you went thru that and the woman who should have been your rock was your tormenter. You deserve so much better
I think your mom’s treatment of you explains a lot of the trauma that lead to your addiction. I’m so sorry. You deserve to be loved, not abused.
NTA. Your mother did that on purpose. Plan A was to interrogate and find fault with the guy and mock him. When there wasn’t anything obvious to go with she IMMEDIATELY went for your soft underbelly. And she always will. She could be giving a toast at your wedding and she would talk about how it’s so great that an addict could finally find love. Cut her out like a cancer.
Your mom proved to you she can NEVER be trusted, and any opportunity she has, she will choose to hurt you, and try to sabotage yiur life, and healing.
Your only option is to cut her out of your life completely. Change your locks, and never all her access to you again. That is the only way to have peace, and find happiness.
NTA. Change the locks asap. Keep your mother blocked.
Tell your sister exactly what happened if you haven’t, because you know your mother didn’t give an honest accounting. Give your sister the chance to be a decent human being, unlike your mother.
It’s not important to explain whether or why you hadn’t told your boyfriend everything yet. Your mother assumed he didn’t know and was trying to hurt you and isolate you, intentionally driving away anyone who cared about you.
I’m going to be honest and tell you that hit so close to home for me, I screamed at my screen!
NTA
1. Change your locks
2. Yo mom’s a narcissist and is terrible for your mental health! Stay away from her!
3. Go NC with her and your sister! You don’t need \*itches like them! Go NC with anyone not elevating you!
Effing hate negative people who live to stab someones else’s joy…